h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*takes out 12 guage shotgun and loads a couple of rounds. Puts to shoulder aims and fires at lampshade*

BOOMM !!! BOOMM !!

*remains of the lightshade are scattered in all directions and a few shuttlecocks gently float down towards Tonkers*

There you are old bean. I've kept me eye in you know - handy for teaching the servants a few manners.

I've kept my eye in as well, donchaknow. Damned glass ones so easy to misplace is you take them out. Lost the real one in hand to hand combat with a gurkha - doughty little fighters.

Actually it does come out now and again - do shine it up occassionally when the great-grandchildren fancy a game of marbles, what!

I say, my hotpants seem to have ridden, somewhat...

* Polidari quickly pulls an eye-patch out of a pocket and places it over his good eye.

Uncers! What the hell's going on man?!

You're not wearing a tie, and club rules clearly state if you're going to wear short trousers then then you simply must wear long socks. And that bally makeup makes ya look cheap and tawdry dear chap. Pull yerself together Sir, and have a drink what.

I say I'm getting a devil of a chaff, feels like I've got a bally shuttlecock down the back of me strides....

(shuffles off awkwardly)

TF

Thats the spirit Feffers ... can't let standards drop what ! Don't hold with all that sloppy cross dressing malarky meself - Mrs Redders is a splendidly stout woman and nothing would ever fit me, eh

Where's the BALLY DRINKS !!!!

*pulls out the emergency decanter from under the high-backed chair he's almost dozing off in*

Anyone for a tot o' rum?

Splendid idea old boy. Just what the doctor ordered while we wait for those drinks. Might help my sight clear after Unkers shenanigans too.

Yes, it was rather an eyesore, wasn't it.
Can't think what's gotten into the old devil.

* Still behind his eye-patch.

Might be shell-shock, what?

*canters arthritically from the room*
*returns in full dress regalia*

Hmmmmmm....think I prefered the hotpants......still, suppose one must uphold tradition, and all that, what!!
Anyone fancy a drop of McLurchers, while we wait for Scrotum to come out of his Coma??

* Wakes out of a mild doze...

Hmmph. Did someone mention McLurchers?

* Profers glass.

*pours out a very large measure*
There you go, old chap, wrap yersel` around that. It`ll deaden the pain of waiting for that useless lump of a waiter!!

Oh, well if you are offering? Very kind of you old bean.
Who is in charge of the servants round here? They need to extract the digit as this lot a are a shower, and absolute shower.

We're obviously not having them beaten enough. I have My Man Godfrey beaten twice a week, whether he needs it or not. Suggest we start doing the same with the miserable lot round here...

Mmmmm, beaten indeed, with birch rods what!

Did me the world of good as a lad, makes a man sit up and take notice yer know. Winstom wouln't know who he was without a regular hiding.

Did someone say McLurchers?

TF

This must be where I've been going wrong with Risely alll this time!

Blasted fellow just needs a swift tap on the backside, what!
And now we're back to Eton again.

Ahhh....memories! Grit your teeth and think of England, what !!
Here, have another snifter, in fact have several, old chap !!

A snifter?

If it's a drink I'll take it!