h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

Unterweltraumfuehrerin Brunhild von Forchtenstein zu Hinterpfuiteufel has been assigned an office in Room 310, A Deck, next to the Communications Room.

She will be sending you reports on her observations. Her English is not perfect, but it is better than the Captain's.

Ma'am, could you please do something about all the bad spelling? We're being tortured in here.

Respectfully,

Rory Donahue

Lt Thingy,

We hav finisht the seckuritee taps. They are all messt up. We cant find annathing on them abowt Sgt Christowhatsis.

We are playing peaknuckle. Want to join? We need a 4th.

Why do we need speeling lessuns?

Jones, Davis & Smith (Found the &! Yay!)

*Memo to the people in the office behind the Library from Lt Anya*

Thank you for looking at the tapes for me, why would there be anything about a Sgt? Oh and No offence is meant about the spelling lessons trust me! I just thing English could be improved aboard the ship, to help I’ve corrected your last memo. -

I just think that we have finished the security tapes. They are all messed up. We can’t find anything on them about Sgt Christowhatsis.

We are playing peaknuckle. Want to join? We need a 4th.

Why do we need spelling lessons?

* Lt Anya leaves a message for Rory*

Thank you Rory, your the only one who seems to know what's going on here! And of course, i'll see what i can do about improveing spelling aboard the ship.

Lt Hadubandsdauther -

Thank you, ma'am. A spellchecker might help.

Respectfully,

Rory Donahue

daily report of Unterweltraumfüherein Brunhild von Forchtenstein zu Hinterpfuiteufel



The crewmen of the Mariposa are respectless and don't keep their uniforms in order. This will have to change.

I cannot accept the office I got unless it is redecorated. I told the Geal what to do. I expect to have a proper office as soon as possible.

*Memo*

To: Unterweltraumfüherein Brunhild von Forchtenstein zu Hinterpfuiteufel

From: Lt Anya

Welcome aboard!

I'm sure some one will get round to it they always do.

It's ok, romulens arn't scarey it's ok it's ok it's ok ahhhhhhh romulens..no it's ok BREATH </>

daily report of Unterweltraumfüherein Brunhild von Forchtenstein zu Hinterpfuiteufel

Is it really impossible that anything goes right on this ship?! What did you think when you told whomeever to redecorate my office?! I expect it to be in good order tomorrow! I will repot to my superiors that I am treated very badly on this ship!

The Gael laughed at me! This is inacceptable!

Don't be silly Lt Anya! Who are you anyhow?!

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

To fill you in - but please don't file this, lives are at stake here - Frau Thingamagummy the Romulan liaison ordered her office redecorated.

The Captain gave this task to the three ensigns who otherwise occupy the back room of the Library - Smith, Jones and Davis.

Apparently, they misinterpreted the Captain's orders - I have no idea how this could have happened. After all, chain of command, CLEAR instructions, intelligent military minds...

Be that as it may. The aforementioned three ensigns have apparently painted the floor instead of the ceiling, removed the vidscreen, and placed furniture in the Frau Unterweltraumfuehrerin's office that is both tastless and age-inappropriate.

So we have only a few hours to remedy the situation. Or she will shout at us some more.

A word of advice, ma'am - don't bother replying to her 'reports'. It only teases them.

Respectfully, tiredly, and hungrily,

Jamison Douglass

Official Records, Library Copy. CLASSIFIED


Photographic Evidence Enclosed.

This creature is the size of a large hill, approximately 300' in height, being twice that in length. It was seen to have a shuffling gait, as yet we have no evidence of its intelligence, nor of its attitude to territorial invasion.

I trust this information will be further investigated at a later date.


Layla Mai. Cdr
Galactic Rangers
Mariposa.



This report is to be filed under classified until further notice.

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

An update for you, ma'am, on the whereabouts of Frau Unterweltraumfuehrerin Brunhild von Forchtenstein zu Hinterpfuiteufel. The Romulan liaison's office will now be Room 412, B Deck.

The Captain has requested that if you encounter Commander von Forchtenstein, you not attempt to engage unless absolutely necessary, and that you report said engagement to him by memo.

He has also requested that all her demands in regard to food and accommodation be referred through channels to the appropriate office, as she appears to believe that the ship's crew exist as wait staff for her convenience.

In other words, don't talk back to her, but don't take any guff off her, either.

Respectfully,

Rory Donahue

PS She's already thrown me against a bulkhead, ma'am, so she's used up my goodwill for the duration.

Lt Hadubrandsdauther -

This is just to let you know that the Mariposa will continue in orbit above the lovely planet (not) of Tantalus for the foreseeable future.

The CSS Orion is coming to join us, and a survey team will be taking stock of this uninhabited planet - or is it? The marines saw a strange creature down there, and Starfleet needs to know what it is.

Planetary engineers are a strange lot, ma'am - I'd advise keeping your distance. They make bad puns. Their motto is 'We leave no stone unturned'. This should give you an idea of the sort of damage they can do to a well-ordered mind such as yours.

Primarily, the survey team will be making a map from orbit, and using bridge facilities for that, while a team goes down onto the planet with the aid of our marines, under the direction of Cmdr Layla Mai. Scientists need bodyguards, ma'am. Gaels will not be going down - we are useless as bodyguards, and there's nobody to talk to down there.

We'll stay up here and watch.

Respectfully,

Jamison Douglass

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

How's the spelling programme coming, ma'am?

You will notice the three ensigns are not in your workroom today. They are occupied elsewhere - Captain's orders.

Respectfully,

Rory Donahue

* Memo to Jamison Douglass*

Lot's to do today, thank you for keeping me updated on the Romulen Liason officer, it's nice to know what's going on. I did wonder where the people in the workroom where....

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

The ensigns are recalibrating the lateral sensor array. They may be gone some time.

Respectfully,

Jamison Douglass

daily report of Unterweltraumfüherin Brunhild von Forchtenstein zu Hinterpfuiteufel

It seems to be impossible to get a proper office on this ship. I got a new one today, but it isn't any better. I even have to live with these awfully blue walls. But I don't complain.

I had to redecorate it all by myself, for starfleet doesn't seem to be willing to help me. But I don't need their help anyhow. They get it all wrong.

daily report of Unterweltraumfüherin Brunhild von Forchtenstein zu Hinterpfuiteufel


One of these nasty Geals was in my office today. Without my knowledge. He was making an 'inspection' he said and the Mr Kapitän obviously knew about it. I wasn't informed. That's not acceptable, I demand to be informed if anybody enters or leaves my office.

The Gael said he was looking for vermin, but I don't trust him. Although there really seems to be vermin on the ship. I heard strange noises in the walls, like animals. Big rats maybe. That is disgusting. I thought even starfleet would be a bit hygienic.

*Lt Hadubrandsdauhter sit's in the librery and sighs*

nothing ever seems to get done in less i does it myself. Well no more! I'm sick of running around after silly people who don't have a clue what's going on! And the spelling on this place is atrocius. That's it i'm setting up an ebglish class or something..</>

*Lt Hadubrandsdauhter sit's in the librery and sighs*

nothing ever seems to get done in less i do it myself. Well no more! I'm sick of running around after silly people who don't have a clue what's going on! And the spelling on this place is atrocius. That's it i'm setting up an ebglish class or something..</>

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

Just to let you know, ma'am. The CSS Orion is in a lower orbit around the planet Tantalus. We are exchanging information, and the survey mission is being prepared.

So if you see a lot of people in strange (i.e., standard) Starfleet uniforms, it's the Orion crew. Also, there are some civilian scientists visiting.

The officers' messes are serving expanded hours, ma'am, to accommodate everyone.

Oh, and ma'am, if you see a deep blue cat with a collar and pendant stalking around - it's probably Lt Hawkins' wife Cleopatra.

She's a true Gheorgheni cat, ma'am, and has the rank of Lieutenant. The ensigns are supposed to salute her. I hope you'll pass this along to them.

Respectfully,

Jamison Douglass