h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!

Yes, siree!!! Starfleet has done it again!!! Not only do they let animals - ANIMALS!!! - write to your ol' Snoop to tell him the air's just fine (but they probably like the smell of swamp gas, too, so who can believe them) - not only that!!!

They're trying to get rid of Yours Very Truly as well. The Captain himself,or someone posing as the Captain, who knows, who knows, nobody likes an Honest Journalist - is telling me, that being Snoopy, to transfer OFF THE SHIP!!! Hah, can't take the heat, get your Romulan Army Ants out from under the magnifying glass!!! The Truth will out!!!

There's also a much preposterous claim that the consoles are free. Ladies and gentlemen officers, tell it to Bartholomew the Berserker!!! If we didn't keep him fed up on cigarettes and things less legal, the crew lounge consoles would all *happen* to be occupied until the correct number of poscreds had disappeared into his hands never to be seen again, as every Man Jack and Woman Jane of us knows.

I put it to you, sirs and ladies and other things occupying the rank of an officer, that you are out of touch with Things As They Are Down Here.

Ahem. But we digress. There is a matter of utmost importance. We must unite again, must form a bond stronger than that of the Great Culinary Revolution, must join hands (metaphorically speaking, unless you have very long arms) with our fellow downtrodden on the other ships.

Starfleet has decreed that as of tomorrow, we are on GST - an abbreviation meant to confuse us, but ol' Snoopy has access to a console and its dictionary, bought with a bag of peanuts and a promise to polish Bartholomew's boots. It simply means Standard Galactic Time. The smeggers plan to ROB us of an hour's sleep, by moving Third Watch forward one hour as of tomorrow. That's all fine and dandy for the officery types, less work, but what about us, on the Third and Fourth shift??? It's hardly what I'd call good *leadership*, giving yourself an hour off.

SO!!! Don't buy into the nonsense. Take your hour!!! Arrive for work at the regular time!!! They can hardly space all of us, we're the hamsters in the Wheel of Progress, not lemons°.


Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of YOUR ship.




°Or whatever the little animals from that computer game were called. I seem to recall they liked cliffs.

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!

Today, me, being your Snoopericious writer, I am quite, quite shaky, having escaped from a fate worse than babysitting teh Bugblatter Beast of Traal.

Me, myself and I combined our shore leave to have three days off, and were just looking for somewhere cheap and close to get drunk and monkey around, when what to our wondering eyes should appear but a message from a loyal reader, saving us from making the same mistake she did. As a public service, I will now yield the floor to SpaceSweetie.



Hiya, Snoopy!

Just thought I'd, like, warn ya... Me'n my gals were all down on on, y'know, Ecu Terranove 9, 'coz it was cheap, and we figured the local yokel might, like, need showing a good time... Total waste of time, dude! The beer's like as expensive as here, and they'd never heard of putting jacuzzis in the hotel rooms...

Breakfast was totally early 'n stuff, and it was all junk like eggs and oatmeal and you could just so totally *tell* some peasant had made the bread himself, right? And the woman there, she was all bossing us around, "put on something warmer, it's going to rain", like there's not all umbrellas for that...

We had to like buy a map, and we were like omigaw, all these houses look the same, it's worse than the Mariposa...

http://www.kilduffs.com/Homes_5_Construction_1914_rowhouses_BaltimoreMd_photo.jpg

We were trying to go shopping, yaknow, what else would ya do on shore leave, right? And we totally walk in the wrong direction, and we're suddenly in the middle of a bunch of green nothing with the most stupid barns in it. And they all look different, it's like they don't care about the houses, but the cows *totally* need something to look at, right, I mean, how dumb is that?

http://www.thebarnjournal.org/round/barn001/pic1.jpg
http://www.maxheimphoto.com/images/photos/barn01.jpg

We asked some dude why they're all round and stuff and he said pigs don't walk in right angles and we told him if there's pigs, that's just gross, and we're looking for *downtown*, or is this it, with all these idiots and animals, and he just gave us the *weirdest* rudest look and so we just went back in the other direction and we *finally* like found the shopping street, and we were just staring.

http://www.rootsweb.com/~usgenweb/md/baltimorecity/postcards/lexst.jpg

I mean, ok, don't expect, like, the Sky Mall from them, but PUH-LEAZE, that's just so totally out of it. We didn't buy anything, it's like they're too stupid to figure out how a sewing machine works and they made it all with their *hands*, and those skirts had like enough fabric for four people... So we went for a drink, but they told us it's like not time for cocktails yet and we'd have to have just plain soda. And that waiter wasn't even cute, why don't they put him somewhere we don't have to look at him?

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/d/d8/Soda_jerk_NYWTS.jpg/476px-Soda_jerk_NYWTS.jpg

At least - at least, we thought then, but he was just being a big poopyhead - he told us where there was something fun to do in the evening, some big festival. We went there, and they were, like, standing around cheering at the pig racing! Pig racing!!! And a swimsuit competition, too, but just for the sheep...

http://www.cornbeltsports.com/mt-static/images/photos/05/shinyobjects/Wilson%20County%20Fair%20pig%20race.jpg
http://www.cornbeltsports.com/mt-static/images/photos/05/shinyobjects/Wilson%20County%20Fair%20sheep1.jpg

Man, we were like totally bored out of our pretty skulls by then. We went inside where the women were, maybe *they* were doing something better than the ugly dudes in the dirty overalls, but it was just a bunch of old hags standing around arguing whose pie was the best, and whose quilt was prettiest (easy, all prettier than them, certainly!)

http://www.saintceciliawilbraham.org/festival/festivaldm0005.jpg
http://www.westerlyarmory.com/Quilt%20Show.jpg

And you know, they're so obsessed with those dumb dull row house things, they picked that as being one of the top 100 quilts since the planet was settled...

http://www.flavinglover.com/images/JPGpictures/row_houses_fl4.jpg

Anyway, we were fair, and all that, and we like totally tried to have fun. We went out to their fairground thingy but it was all lame-o by the dozen.

http://www.civilization.ca/cwm/artwar/images/artworks/art28490_fairground_h-badham.jpg

So we just did what any sensible girly group does when they're somewhere dumb. We left, and spent the rest of our leave on G-CAB, by the pool...

Just forget that place, it's *useless*!

SpaceSweetie



Well, dear readers, it's certainly been an education!!! Stay away from ET9, or be a bored person that smells of cows!!! Thank you, SpaceSweetie, it's been a pleasure.

Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of YOUR ship

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!

Old Snoop's been down to the planetoid of Transomania, and what a place that is!!!

It's a smallish planetoid with just three continents: Mouldy, Geldingia, and Sevencastle. There's an ocean that's so dark and polluted (sure, they *claim* it's squid ink) that they use it to fill printer cartridges, though they expect you to buy postcards of it if they call it the "coffee-dark sea". There's supposed to be another ocean with good fishing, the Tunathian, right in the middle, but it's actually a mountain range. They just haven't noticed.

Planetary Engineering did a terrible job of making the planet believable. They probably let the beginners practice on this one. The forests you can actually see up close are all wrong - who mixes chestnuts, oaks, and acacias??? Probably, they had someone whingeing on and on about wanting to do some fjords, so they let him do the leaves all squiggly to shut him up. The bits that are farther off use a standard pine tree texture to cover everything, just so there's not a lot of white space.

They use standard textures for the cities a lot, too, especially the "small squashed house with a tin roof" or the "big huge apartment block" stamps, though they try to fool you by painting them different and making the roofs from shingles sometimes, when they run out of tin. For big buildings, they didn't even bother making their own stamp, just re-used the ones from other planetoids, though they gave them tin roofs, too, in order to have something to collect and melt for making missiles. Then, they throw handfuls of cables over everything.

Of course, they don't accept Starfleet poscreds. Instead, they expect you to carry arround pocketfuls of small plush lions that they picked up cheap somewhere - apparently, nobody else wanted them. They're all named Ron, but nobody calls them that.

http://www.stadt-koeln.de/fifawm2006/english/fan_articles/bilder/goleo_sitz.jpg

The shuttle takes you down to the capital city of Buck-and-Rest, where you can use a cheap ground transport to get to the other bits - and the emphasis is on *cheap* - takes forever, and rattles your thoughts around like your skull was being used as a dicebox. Also, the entire smegging place is hotter than Eccentrica Gallumbits' stage show, which is saying something, whoo-ee!!! They must heat it up to sell more beer, which is apparently made from trees. The food is stored in church, so there's more room in the cellar for drinks.

The national dish is what appears to be a bowl of yellow pus, named "placenta" - though that could possibly refer to the lumps of boiled meat or the reddish squidgy things it comes with. Breakfast isn't something the Transomanians can figure out, either, because nobody wants to get up and go to church to fetch anything to eat that early, and coffee is sold in little baggies at the back of alleys, and worth its weight in little plush lions. It's a lucky thing that they have a Big Bang Burger in nearly every town!!! The burgers are probably made of whatever animals they scrape off the streets, as the Transomanians have not invented fences, though they do build walls around their front gardens to keep people from stealing the missile collection on the lawn.

The Transomanians keep these around because they like to play Starfleet. They love a good uniform!!! But they can't be bothered to learn proper English. Transomanian has been invented just to annoy people. You simply take an Auberginian word, spell it wrong, and add an "-ul" to the end, except when it's a word you actually need, in which case it will be something completely different.

Their names all end in -escu. Snoopy was considering renaming himself Snoopescu until he heard the reason for this from a very reliable source, the least-drunk person in the pub!!! It's an acronym, which means it's short for something. ESCU - Evil Sucking Creature (Undead) - that's right!!! They're all vampires!!! Luckily, the guy down at the pub, what was his name, Dragonet, sold your ol' Snoopster a necklace made of garlic and bat bones. Whiffy, but it kept them off!!! They claim there's no such thing as vampires, and then try to sell you statuettes of them, anyway.

Ol 'Snoop didn't even bother with the many little satellites: the moons Blue Crane, Moveova, and Hungry, the asteroid just named "Bulgy" and the twin space stations, an amusement park called Black Mountain and the hotel/restaurant "Serving Ya". No indeed, Transomania was quite enough!!!




Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of YOUR ship

Dear Readers, here's Auntie Em, the sexy sage, ready to dispense advice!!!


Dear Auntie Em,

The love of my life is gone. He's been gone for a very long time already - nearly, like, months now! - and I still cry myself to sleep over him every single smegging night. It's not like there's anyone here to take my mind off him, neither. They're all too old, and too ugly, and their name isn't Simon. What's a poor girl to do?

- Missing Him


Dear Missing Him -

Oh deary me and tut-tut, as we in the industry say. Really, noone? Just send Auntie Em your communicator code, because I- uh, that is, Auntie Em has some very sweet friends who'd be happy to help you with that!

Hope to have helped!

Romantically-mindedly yours, in a sweet older-lady type of way, of course,

Auntie Em


++++Auntie Em's thought for the day: It takes 43 muscles to frown, only 17 to smile - and only 3 to extend your arm and punch the smegger who's annoying you on the nose.++++


Auntie Em, if that is indeed your name-

How dare you! Are you even qualified to dispense your so-called "advice"? I think NOT! In order to really be able to help people, you have to take classes first. Really, they don't appreciate it if you can't communicate with them properly! Any good advisor makes sure the needs of those seeking counsel are always the TOP PRIORITY. I note your apparent success with increasing alarm, just THINK of all the people whose lives you ruin!

Cordially,

Vanessa Simmons



Vanessa Simmons, if that is indeed your name-

I've looked you up in the crew file. My, my, we've got a personal stake in this, haven't we? Just take a long walk in a short airlock! And take that broom you push around all day, and push it somewhere that would shock the hamsters!

Auntie Em,

who's ten times the advisoress you'll ever be. I'm a counselor, hear me roar!






Got your own question for Auntie Em??? Don't hesitate to ask!!!

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!

Well, not really. It's slower than a snail race on the salt flats around here. In case nobody's noticed yet, we've been cut off from our supply of fresh babes. (I know there are 100 or so of you on this ship, ladies, but you know Ol' Snoop, there's more than enough to go around!!!) Also, we seem to be in hyperspace again, either that, or all the viewscreens have gone wonky and Maintenance is too lazy to fix them.

So since there's nothing else to do, anyone who's *really* bored. (Well, all the men, Playsnoop has more interesting ideas for the ladies!!!) can contact Cpls. Larris and Larris (or presumably Larris or Larris or Larris, they're not very original about names!!!) for details of the band tryouts they're holding.

Anyone welcome, just strut your stuff!!! Only drawback is that you'd be playing in a band with them...

This has been a public service announcement by Snoopy himself, who just might start his own band someday - chorus line dancers already welcome for personal auditions!!!



Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of YOUR ship!!!

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!

And his aim today is to pour salt on the gossip fires!!! This is a day that calls for HEADLINES!!!



GARDENER TRIES TO TRY NEW METHOD, PUSHING UP DAISIES FROM BELOW - FAILS

At last, Snoopster has his revenge for the hamster racing incident!!! Not that yours truly has anything to do with it, but it's very just justice that someone's shot one of them Larrises - not that anybody will notice, there's a redundant copy after all. Sickbay said they expect him to come round again eventually, but he'll be very sore in the meantime, serves the smegger right!!!



LARRIS LASS LIKES LIQUOR - LOCATED BY LAW, LYING ON LAWN

That's right!!! They found the security-flavoured one flat-out drunk on the grass in the Arbo, after she'd AWOL, too, as sources inform us!!! Security has the following to say on the matter: "Mwah..." Yeehaw, that's gonna mean a demotion, at least!!! And this just in - one of our operatives just happened to be passing by the area, and says they found a Security phaser there, too, thrown away!!!

All together now:

They shot the Larris, it was probably the deputy!


Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of YOUR ship!!!

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!

Folks and Folkessas, this news is sizzlin'!!!

Remember, you heard it here first!!! And you're getting some method for your money, this is how I did it:

Snoopy's seen that Security's getting nowhere - small surprise, with the pace they mosey around - and so he's taken it on his own self to do a bit of Snoopin' around!!! Not for cooperating with the cruel opressors, of course like, just because he wants some shore leave with beautiful Auberginians, and this brings us all a step closer.

Rhi-ly-ah-bull sources have revealed that they'd imprisoned our own Giacomo Giactometti, everyone's favourite gullible fool and general handy man to have around if you have something that needs doing. So ol' Snoop thought to himself that maybe they've found his stash of magazines that'd make Eccentrica Gallumbits blush, or maaaaaybe, he knows something.

So upon the joyous news that Giacy has been released, Snoopster tried out his best questioning and detectin' skills, which involved taking the Giacster to the mess, buying him a beer or five, and simply talkin' to him - bet you didn't think of that, Mr Currant sir!!!

Turns out that annoying as Samantha Larris is (one of them, you know!!!) she's not the drunken sop we'd though she was - they'd just sent her in after the dust bunnies -

Right under bunks 16-18, row F, dormitory 11 - write that down in your little book now and pretend you've found it out for yourself!! </>

- and then for good measure, they stuck her head-first in a bucket of Falifrisolm Cactus Juice and used her to mop the floor or something along those lines, explains the drunken stupor and the scarcity of Falifrisolm Cactus Juice on this ship.

He's also told me about a few more practical jokes they'd planned, and it would've been a riot!!! Foo on you for locking them up, Ensign Sultana!!! And if you need any more of my help in the future, m'boy, don't hesitate to ask, I'll try to fit it in my busy schedule. Maybe I'll even let you take credit, provided you're really nice.



Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of YOUR ship!!!

OBITUARIES


Friends, Readers, Starfleet crew, lend me your screens!!!
I come to bury Stafford, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;
The good has now been shot off into space;
So let it be with Stafford. Ensign Curran
Has told you Stafford was a murderer -
Indeed, he tried - it was a grievous fault,
And grievously, the man has answered it.

Here, Snoopy is permitted by the Captain –
The Captain is an honourable man,
As are you, readers, honourable men –
To report on Stafford’s ending.
He was a friend, perhaps, to some.
But Curran found he tried to murder;
And Curran is an honourable man.

He tried to choke a corporal with a shoestring
And stabbed our Sergeant Larris in the back.
What if, in this, the murderer had succeeded?
And when he heard his sentence, Stafford has wept:
A murderer should be made of sterner stuff.
Yet Sharpe had heard the man attempted murder;
And Sharpe’s for sure an honourable man.

You all did see it, on the viewscreen
When they launched Stafford into hyperspace.
Where he did then explode – was this, then, murder?
Yet Starfleet found him tried and guilty;
And Starfleet’s laws bind honourable men.

I speak not to disprove the Captain’s words,
But here I am to tell what I have seen.
He did not space this man without just cause:
Does this withhold you then, to mourn for him?

Harsh judgment! What are men but brutish beasts,
But Gaels showed mercy for they gave to him
A lily in his coffin there, with Stafford
To guide him safely to a better self.

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!

Alright, alright - after all your protests, the Snoopster is not going to write like THAT anymore!!! But all your patience with him will now be rewarded. Hold on to your seats, goys and birls, and stand prepared to witness the interview of the century!!!

IN WHICH our intrepid hero goes to the very limits of his endurance and bravely goes where no journalist has gone before - the ceiling of a seedy little dive aboard Le Duty-Free - to bring you the hottest of news!!! And gets a nearly-real Ringo Starr autograph which will be auctioned off to line the THICK NUZ coffers, or at least the tea kitty.


Ol' Snoop was just moseying along the concourse at Le Duty-Free, doing research for the kind of article that gets THICK NUZ syndicated to° various other ships, when what should his unbelieving eyes behold but his Triocular Too-Cool-For-Wordsness, Raaaaaaay Starr!!!

With the usual fervour that will someday let him earn his rightful place in the Hall of Heroic Journalists right alongside Peter Parker and Tintin, Snoopy went right ahead and plied the great man with absinthe until he was ready to talk. This, dear readers, is the result!!!


Snoopy: Mr Starr, we notice something conspicuously missing from our GV programme – OffShoot has disappeared!!! What’s going on???


Ray Starr: Well, quite simply put that's because we actors are on ...a strike.


S: On strike??? All actors??? Does that mean our other shows will be drying up, too, once they run out of already-filmed episodes???


RS: No, no... fortunately it isn't like that. Yousee, at least I don't think it's like that. OffShoot has been running on a very heavily strained budget and... the station has well, I'm on strike now so what's that matter *ahem, I'll say it* run out of funding for the show.


S: Well, yes - it does have a lot of special effects, they must gobble right through the poscreds. So, is this the end of OffShoot, from one day to another, or is there hope for all the loyal fans out there???


RS: Well, did I say station? I meant to say studio. You're right Snoopy, it does. We keep a highly trained staff of six eyed experts and humans both for the compositing. Our editor in fact is a giant eye, and almost nothing gets past him, (unless you look very closely in the early episodes when he switched to contacts btw).
No, there may be another season later, but we the actors need higher salaries first. I... It may be lower budget.


S: Higher salaries for the actors??? Soooo, let a simple journalist get this right. OffShoot, beloved of anyone with any sense, is in danger because it's barely meeting the budget, and rather than tighten your belt and soldier on in the name of arts and entertainment, you're demanding a higher salary, which will lower production values all round if it even gets produced again??? How do your fans react to this news, Mr Starr???


RS: Um, in a way yes.
However, they are reacting a little more positively to it than that because I am auctioning off several of my possessions to help make ends meet.


S: So what could your fans be hoping to buy, seeing as it's in a good cause???


RS: Well, I have a classical period Aubernagian pipe and some of my guitars from back when I was in different bands. Green Comet, Black Hole, the Good Old Days (a pop group) and Bad Ionic Stream.


S: *chuckle* We'll be sure to keep our eye out for those. I remember BIS, I had them on my lunchbox at school. Are you still doing anything on the musical front, Mr Starr???


RS: Oh yes, them, - our bassist was a mutant from another dimension. He played a two-necked fretless.
Yes, do you remember that one song *hums a few bars* Total Malfunction?

(Bada - bada bada!... TOTAL MALFUNCTION. something like that probably).

He and I wrote that together. We're going to do a documentary on how he comes up with those lyrics. He (or it) speaks backwards though so it will require a new technique. I don't know how the other bandmates are doing. Perhaps there will be some sort of an electronica concert during a reunion tour. My gut says yes. Well, the two of them do.


S: Unfortunately, Mr Starr, "Total Malfunction" would seem to describe your career fairly well at this point. It's rumoured that you're not making payments on that mansion you bought - we all saw it featured in "Playbeing", or if you're a hoity-toity officer, in "Better Homes and Asteroids" - and that's why you're auctioning off memorabilia and holding out for more money.


RS: *third eye squinting* My word but you're good. Well, yes, I've been holing it up with my father but as soon as he gets the lease rights on his lartest invention things might be a little different. You're also aware that my race possesses telekinetic abilities, yes? I see you are enjoying standing on the ceiling during this. That, was one of his devices. I can turn it off with my mind Mssr. Snoop.


S: That won't be necessary, I'm quite enjoying the view. So, what else have you got planned for us, Mr Starr? Are you appearing in any movies??? Made-for-GV specials??? Soap operas??? Laxative ads??? Or must we sadly wave good-bye to a once great career and turn our attention on Mr Humperdumper???


RS: Well, we were planning on doing a music video using the antigrav my father developed. Xomnos the Flambulent and I were. Nobody understands what he says but he seemed pretty excited about it. No, All My Larvae about a man and his sentient parasites got cancelled due to Health reasons you know. There is a movie we'd been working on involving the Doctor and some space dragons but it's still kind of in limbo. Hard to say. You still get the Y-mas special.


S: That sounds fabulous, Mr Starr, if not downright flabulous! What is there about your father's special form of antigravity that lends itself to music videos??? And does it have applications in, say, getting journalists back down onto the ground, gently, if possible???


RS: Well, we'll be the first group of people in history on this dimension to play a song entirely upside down. Xomnos has a little experience in that from his one. Yes, you can come down now if you want.

*shuts all eyes to produce a weak beam and the machine turns off.*
(under his breath) : Lucky for you there were cushions there.


S: Xomnos and Ray, Upside Down!!! Soon torturing the parents of teenagers everywhere! Thank you, Mr Starr. And before you go, could you just autograph this for me??? Only please make it from *Ringo* Starr, his autographs are fetching a lot of money these days.


RS: Very funny, Ringo was an icon from your species, was he not?

I'll just sign it under Starr and you decide Snoopy. Leave it to the buyers to guess. Have fun with it.


S: Thank you for your time Mr Starr. We'll be sure to keep our readers posted on the future of OffShoot. This has been Snoopy, Space Reporter Extraordinaire, interviewing Mr Ray Starr of OffShoot fame.






°Sneaked, snuck, sneakified, or otherwise covertly brought aboard of

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!

The scene is set in Crew Lounge Three. The air is redolent of, well, mostly beer, but beer that smells like anticipation! Someone has set the ring tone on his communicator to "Ta Ra Ra Boom-Dee-Ay" and there's a distinct feel of checkered flags!!! Ol' Snoop would show you all this, but StarFleet is too stingy to spring for a proper camera, so he'll have to muddle on with the Power of the Pen.

Using his press pass and rather sharp elbows, Your Man On The Front Lines has secured a spot right *at* those front lines, separated from the track only by several light years and a GV screen. Welcome, dear Readers and Readerettes to the glory that is Outer Mongolian Snail Racing!!!

Snoop' has a beautifully auburn pint before him and a beautiful° auburn lady beside him. Time to see what the lady has to say - press passes, boys and girls°° are your friend!!!

Here we go, then...

S: Hullo, love. Ever wanted to see your name in 100% recycled electrons??? I can make it happen. Our faithful readers want to know, and so do I: Come here often???

BAL: I am not your love and what is this stupid thing about recycled electrones? I do not think anybody has to know where I am often and where not.

(Looks like we have ourselves a real sweetheart!!!)

S: Ok, ok, calm down, and let me order a pint for you. Snoopy, Reporter. At your service. I work for the rather excellent Herald-Intelligencer-Clarion Krant, Newspaper, und Zeitung - Mariposa edition!!! So, what's your name, then???

BAL: Hauptschifführerin Charlotte Ahrendt. And what does your newspaper want from me?

S: Just a bit of time and a few words. Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit!!! So, Hop-Shiverin. Who's your favourite to win today???

BAL: It's Hauptschifführerin... and I think Sliding Steve has good chances today. That's number 5. Hurrying Harry had a bad start today.

S: Yeah, that might be so - but have you seen Hopalong Hindenburg??? That snail can escar-go!!! So, you're a hat chauffeur, then?

BAL: That is right, but I do not think he can make it today. A hat chauffeur? What is that?

S: You tell me!!! That's what you keep saying... You drive hats??? Woah!!! Look!!! They're already coming up to the one-foot mark.



°Jealous, RSM O'Riley??? Get me that camera, and you, too, can see her!!!

°°But mostly boys!!!

+++ Out Of Hamster Error - Redo From Start +++

Sorry, folks, stand by for your Sky Spy standing by to finish up his adventures, In Which Our Hero Enjoys A Day At The Races And Meets A Beautiful Woman.

Having kicked his hamsters back into operation and ordered another beer, ol' Snoop is now ready to pick up his narrative. Luckily, the Beautiful Auburn Lady didn't even notice that his portable console fell down.

BAL: I never said that. Ah, yes... see? I told you he has no chance, he must be very lucky to win this race.

S: So where did a girl like you learn to judge snails???

BAL: I just picked it up. Easier than horses, believe me.

S: Ah, well, horses are for eating, not for racing. But never doubt the courage of the Auberginians - they discovered that you can also eat snails!!!

BAL: I wonder why. I didn't find their cooking that bad.

S: You've eaten something a snail cooked??? And I thought they could only - RUN, Hindy, RUN!!!

BAL: The Auberginians, I mean. How should a snail cook?

S: Well, low sodium, for one thing. but where were we??? Oh, right. Are you, dear lady, or are you not, a reg'lar afficionado of snail racing???

+++ Out Of Hamster Error - Redo From Start +++

Sorry, folks, stand by for your Sky Spy standing by to finish up his beer and find a proper table on which to balance his console. And tomorrow, we're back to a proper newspaper with an editor. Live - well, you see how 'tis live.

BAL: Yes, I watch it quite often. They have good beer here.

S: Hee hee! Don't they just! An' pretty women. And los' more beer!

BAL: Barkeeper! Could you see that this... gentleman gets home? Thank you.

S: Hey!!! We're not done here!!! It ain't over till the fas' snail wins!!! Where you going???

BK: - worry, ma'am. Have a good watch. As for you, buddy, I think you've had enough!

S: Don't innerup' my interwiew!!! Don't you know we're live??? Every - ev'rything. EVERY THING you say goes live direc' to THICK NUZ!!!

BK: Really? Hi, Mum!

S: Whistlin' Wilbur for the win??? Why???

BK: Ok, that's it. This interview is over!

S: Don' touch that, you'll -

+~+~+~+~+SNAP+~+~+~+~+





Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of *your* ship

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!

Today was to be a grand day!!! Today was to be the day of days, when Snoopy TELLS ALL, revealing to the world the secrets of Gaels, Goths and Gheorghenis!!! The day, in fact, when the "G" volume of Encyclopadia Galactica, printed on plastivellum and bound in nearly-platinum embossed wub leather, was due to arrive.

But it was a sad, sad day, for instead, it turns out there's a second "F" volume!!!

So here, my friends, are some tidbits starting with F.



Flageolets:

These are not, as it turns out, small donut-shaped flags. Instead, they're little flute-y things with only six holes for one-handed Auberginians and lazy people. They apparently sound a bit like a bird with the hiccups falling down the stairs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HXJoBSVVho

The fact that they involve "fipples" sounded interesting, but alas, a fipple is merely a bit of wood that isn't even shaped like a nipple. Fortunately, it's hard to run into one of these, since most planets haven't been bored enough to invent them.



FROGs:

These are much better than the green hoppy things you can only eat bits of. They're a kind of alien discovered by the Romulans, who called them "Fremde Raumschiffe Ohne Galaktische Seriennummer", which is their complicated way os saying "Strange Starships Without Galactic Serial Numbers". They're made of some kind of plasma-y stuff, and look like you filmed someone out of focus through a defective lens.

http://www.zukunftia.de/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/orion-4.jpg

These guys are really hoopy froods!!! They can kill people so that they don't even notice they're dead, and don't drop their teacups. They have origami spaceships.

http://www.zeigermann.com/cartoonist/images/2002/10/22/1_Frogs_Monitor1.jpg

Unfortunately, they don't make very good lovers because they don't like oxygen. The best way to kill one is to blast them with a Romulan phaser that looks like a spiky trumpet.



Foreign languages:

These are what aliens and other plain old weird people use when they're too stupid to speak English, as the following bit of Auberginian shows:

Un homme qui parle trois langues est trilingue.
Un homme qui parle deux langues est bilingue.
Un homme qui ne parle qu'une langue est anglais.

A man who speaks three language is trilingual.
A man who speaks two languages is bilingual.
A man who speaks only one language is English.

That just goes to show, we don't *need* no stinkin' languages!!! Generally, people who use them are just trying to get on your nerves or show how educated they think they are. Don't let them get away with it!!! Talk slowly and loudly and repeat often and they'll have to admit they get it eventually. If they really won't, here are a few of the more important expressions to know in any language.

http://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/useful.htm



These have been the Fs - Part the Second!!!


Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of *your* ship

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!

Froods and Froodettes, eat your epad after reading - this information must not go higher up the chain of command!!! Let them see where not knowing things gets them.

All we know about the next port of call is that it's called Mayonnaise or something - all we know officially anyway!!! So the Snoopster has done a bit of snooping, and here's the horrible truth for which you should brace yourselves:::

The winner of last year's Mayonnaise beauty pageant looks like this!!!

http://lh6.ggpht.com/_hVOW2U7K4-M/SRvXOlLQD6I/AAAAAAAArdg/uWjYdx6_Rds/s640/w45y5ehthfgnd.jpg

Gives you some idea of how bad the others must be... Also, they all wear skirts, even the soldiers!!! That's why the Confederation recommends wrapping yourself in a large towel to stay safe.

Nevertheless, maybe you'll find a nubile° green-skinned young thing that makes you want to take a tin opener to her suit, you'll need to find a way to get at her pushbutton panel for psycho-biological needs. Good thing you have the Snoopster!!! because he's researched the ultimate Mayonnaisian pickup line. So repeat after me:

Mea navis aëricumbens anguillis abundat!!!°°

No need to thank me, Snoopy's your faithful servant and all that. Though he does appreciate having a beer bought for him now and then.

Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of *your* ship




°Unfortunately, that just means old enough to get married, not willing to be extra-kind to heroic journalists!!!

[note to monolingual hamsters who wouldn't be interested in humanoid girls anyway: look it up here, last phrase... http://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/latin.php ]