h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Life aboard the CSS Mariposa...

The Gaels live in the warren. The Captain lives on the bridge, or in his rather luxurious and quaintly appointed quarters. The crew live in quarters according to rank and privilege, from suites to barrack-like dormitories. Malaba Ayin lives in a chicken shed (don't ask).

Philip Kindred chandles in the Chandlery, and lives in his own mind.

The great starship itself is currently docked at GCAB Station, the hub of Planetary Engineer activity, while various tasks are being performed, various missions completed, and various amounts of Dewhurst's Pale Ale imbibed.

Who will do what, with what, to whom, is the ongoing question...

The answers may (or may not) lie in the forthcoming prose, but you can rest assured...

We *still* demand carefully demarcated areas of doubt and uncertainty, and therefore *still* belong solidly to the Hootoo Universe.

Write on, my friends...

*Kyra laughs*

Relax princess, I'm not in the least bit interested.

*She smiles as she thinks of Mowgli*

*All eyes suddenly turn to the barn doors, where the pigs are being led in*

*Oswald gets to help Olaf today. They lead Hamlet, who lunges crossly. He's annoyed at the racing pod strapped to his side, at the noise, at the muzzle... Orville follows*

*The announcer shrieks into the microphone*

Laaaaaadies and gennulmen, here's the THUNDERHOGS!

*A good part of the audience claps and cheers, but other try to drown them out with booing and stamping their feet*

The Hogs' pig pilot today will be Oooooooorville Harris!

*Orville walks in, to more applause, but shouts up at the annoucer*

Hey! The term is "hog jockey", stop using *Boar* talk on us!

*This results in more bellowing and whistles as he takes up his station beside his pig, and puts on the helmet he was carrying under his arm*

*Janaheja wriggles excitedly*

Oooh, watch!

*The announcer watches the gate*

And now, may I present the BOAR STEWARDS! Piloted by Ottooooooo Harris!

*This time, the hissing and cheering factions are reversed, as the Boars parade in, dressed in golden leather with a flying skull on the back*

http://www1.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/513627/2/istockphoto_513627_flying_skull_biker_tattoo_style.jpg

*Their pod is crimson, and painted in baroque golden swirls, which have also been shaved into the fur of their pig*

*All eyes are on the two pilots - or jockeys - as they exchange formal and very hostile greetings, and the announcer is hard-pressed to find anyone who will take interest in the third team, the White Sausage, who indeed have an albino pig and a pattern of hotdogs on their equally white pod and uniforms*

*When all three are lined up just in front of the starting gates, the tree riders mount up*

*The pods look a bit like a cross between a canoe and a reclining bicycle, and are strapped sidecar-like on the left side of each pig, balancing on two wheels set behind eachother. The pilot lies down with his head facing the direction of travel, though only a small angled mirror allows him to see what's going on. His hands firmly grasp two handles that will allow him to throw his weight around in order to steer, and his feet rest on two pedals*

*Orville pushes the visor of his helmet up briefly, in order to grin at his many fans, and then settles back comfortably, allowing Olaf to fine-tune the balance*

*Kyra looks rather disinterested*

Poor pigs.

*Janaheja rolls her eyes - it's obvious that Kyra knows nothing about this sport*

*She, of course, considers herself an expert by now. After all, her boyfriend is one of the jockeys!*

*Down at the starting gates - which were once milking stands for goats - a referee with a monocle is carefully checking something at the back of each pod*

*Nobody pays him much attention, because a man on an old-fashioned motorcycle is already rounding the track, to show the audience the route and its perils*

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*Janaheja, however, leans over and whispers to Kyra*

What's he doing? </>

*The man sitting on the other side of her smiles indulgently*

Checking the boots for spikes and things, the most important part!

*There is, indeed, a boot hanging over the backside of each pig, held back at an angle of about 45° - a plain right leather workboot, oainted to match each pod - and the referee runs his fingers over the toe of each, and hefts each one thoughtfully*

*Finally, the pigs are coaxed forward into the gates, and the assistants take off the muzzles and hurry away to safety*

*Kyra turns back to Janaheya*

You really like him, don't you?

*Janaheja looks surprised*

Of course I do! What's not to like?

*She squeals and elbows Kyra in the ribs when an official with a black-and-white checkered flag steps out onto a haybale beside the racetrack*

Watch!

*The announcer is sounding a pre-recorded drumroll through his microphone*

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand -

*The flag falls*

- they're off!

*The pigs, too, squeal. The pilots have started pedaling hard, and this makes the boot rise and fall, rise and fall, kicking each pig and thus driving it forward*

*The jockeys - or pilots - shout as they throw their entire bodies wildly to the side they want the pig to turn toward. The pigs snort and grunt and squeal. The audience cheers and boos and shouts and stamps. The announcer is so excited as to be unintelligible, especially as he's holding the microphone too close to the speakers, causing a loud shriek of feedback*

*Janaheja is delighted. She jumps up and down excitedly, shouting as loudly as she can*

*Kyra winces and rubs her ribs, and when the 'race' starts, she gets up in disgust*

This is barbaric.

*She bends back down to Janaheya*

I'll meet you outside.

*She leaves quickly, scowling in anger*

*The Boar Stewards and the ThunderHogs dash ahead quickly - the race is between them, really, as the white boar has decided to mindlessly gore one of the haybales, causing excitement - and new bets on whether the jockey will be able to get it back on track before the race is over*

*The leaders jostle for position as they approach a hairpin turn. Orville has stopped kicking and is now standing up in the pedals to get more leverage in an attempt to swing the pig tightly around the corner, his pod suspended only a few centimetres over the haybales, while Otto is kicking faster and faster, taking the longer, but easier outside edge*

*Janaheja holds her breath - it looks like Orville's pig is going to tip over - Orvilles pig does tip over - he reaches out one strong arm and pushes against the haybales, righting it again, to the booing of the Boars' supporters*

*He's behind by a length - half a lenght - he kicks again, Hamlet grunts and shoots ahead, Hamlet leads through the finishing line...*

*Janaheja bursts into tears of relief and happiness*

*Down by the gates, there is much shouting at the referees, by the referees, and around the referees, as the legality of Orville's manouvre is debated*

*Kyra kicks at a can and sits down on a barrel, sighing*

*The sound of cheering comes out of the barn, and the muffled, but joyful voice of the announcer, and rather soon, exctied people spill out of the gates to discuss the race among themselves - very few stay in there to watch the other events, the main attraction is past*

*Janaheja walks next to Orville, who has taken his helmet off and handed it to Oz, has unzipped his jacket, and is busy pulling his gloves off with his teeth*

*He looks hot and sweaty more than triumphant, but Janaheja is beaming*

Wow! You can put that in the books as an "Orville"!

*Orville grins at her*

We'll name it after you, Princess - there's already an Orville manouvre.

*Oswald emerges from the tent where Otis is helping Olaf take the pod off the pig, and trots over to Kyra*

Hey! How did you like that? Wasn't that just totally, well, wow? And will you be at the party this evening, to celebrate? I'd, er, I'd love to have you there, really!

*Kyra's frown softens to a smile when she sees Janaheya*

Sure, I guess I can come.

*Oswald stands beside Kyra protectively as the crowd grows thicker*

Oh, wow! That'd be great, really. Do you want to go eat something now? I can get us some of the roast pig, do you like roast pig. Or, I know! We can go watch the...

*He lowers his voice*

You know, the worm wrestling.

*Orville tosses his gloves in Oz' general direction, and then puts a creaky leather-clad arm around Jana's shoulders*

Come on, Princess, let me show you off a little.

*He's in no hurry to change out of his racing clothes, strutting around proudly like he owns the place - today, he does*

*He is trailed by several of his group, as these things can turn ugly, especially if someone's lost a lot of money - and nobody will call the police if something *does* happen*

*Kyra manages to keep a straight face*

Well, worm wrestling sounds interesting ... but what was that about a party?

*She notices Oswald's protectiveness, and isn't much bothered by it. He seems harmless enough, and Oz doesn't seem too perturbed. If she looked a little closer, though, she may have noticed that a group of men - or boys, really - are ribbing him about being ditched*

*Oswald looks seriously at Kyra*

Oh, the party isn't till after afternoon lessons, you know, else half the group wouldn't be able to make it!

*He blushes*

You'd be welcome to come to school with me in between, but I'm afraid it's boys only at PE.

*Kyra has to bite her tongue to keep from laughing now*

Uh, thanks, but I'd best be going anyway.

*She decides that these boys are not any danger to Janaheya, and she's free to leave*

*Oswald blushes and scuffs his shoe on the ground*

Ok, I'll see you at the party, then.

*He rounds on someone who's standing just a little too close*

What're you staring at, wormface? Go find your own girl, shoo! Go on with you now!

*He's about to get really worked up when Orville beckons him over*

Sorry, gotta run!

*He trots after Orville loyally*

*Kyra heads away from the throng of people and walks back to town alone. She is tired of babysitting; she wants to go home. She settles for checking into a motel. She's gotten out of the habit of sleeping anywhere, and she's a little ashamed to admit to herself that she prefers to have a bed nowdays*

* Eli returns to his quarters after a long day searching at the space station, armed with a print-out of the tarot card Arthur sent him, a voice-activated microrecorder (hidden in his inside pocket), and Frankie. *

* When he activates his console, some of his weariness is lifted as he finds a message from Lucy. He smiles, gives Frankie a pet and orders food for the two of them from the Senior Officers' mess, before settling down to read the letter. *

*Jamie Douglass is eating lunch, ho, hum*

*Not the lunch, which is excellent, as always*

*Just the fact that nothing much is happening*

*Jamie realises that it is a bit of a letdown after the PDA buildup*

*He hopes the shuttle pilots enjoy their flying mission*

*But then, Lt Larrikin starts a balloon fight with the crew, and they all join in, and ennui is forgotten*