h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*MacAlpine is still sitting on the scanner table, his left palm turned up and the arm laid flat against his chest, supported at the elbow by his right hand*

*He looks at his injured palm. He looks at Isolde. And he comes to a decision*

Apparently, self-medication is the only way I'm going to get adequate medical help around here. You had no right whatsoever to give me medications that'd make it *worse* - no right! And with no warning, either! I'll report you to Dr Swiftwater for malpractice. "Holistic medicine" seems to be another name for snake oil... Is that salve even approved? I suspect not.

*He looks around the room, his eye resting briefly on the technician, and then eases himself down to the floor*

I'd rather try my luck on my own than with a quack.

*He stamps out, unfortunately hindered by the fact that he's not wearing boots, and his bare heels don't make much noise*

* Isolde exchanges a glance with the scanner technician as MacAlpine leaves on his high horse and sighs. *

Poor fellow. Why in Zarquon's name did he join StarFleet? </>@

* She says goodbye to the technician and walks back to her office to update MacAlpine's file. *


@ Yes, no accent. By now you should know why.

* Eli's research into the meaning of the verse of the card has turned up some interesting results. After ordering food for himself and Frankie from the Senior Officers' mess he gets himself some wine from the stasis box and sits down on the sofa, next to the poodle. He plays with her ears while pondering some of the things he discovered. *

Tamarind? What does that say about the wendy house? </>

*MacAlpine hasn't slept well at all, panicked that the ointment and the toxin might combine to eat all the way through his palm and leave his hand a skeletised mess that's no good for typing*

*He has been pacing around his office, trying to make a decision, and has finally decided that he'd best follow up on his threat if he wants to avoid losing credibility*

*And so, he sits down at his desk, checks his calendar and address book, and starts typing quickly, albeit one-handed*

To: Lt Cmdr Aldar Swiftwater
From: Lt Aleister MacAlpine

Re: Dr Opergeist

Sir,

I feel that you should be informed of what goes on in your sickbay during Third and Fourth watches. Last Fourth Day (13 Libra, 5767) an injury forced me to seek medical attention. I had burned my hand, apparently through contact with plant toxins from the Arboretum. (What poisonous plants are doing growing there is another matter entirely.) The treatment I received from Dr Opergeist was certainly less than professional. For one thing, she did not clean the wound, so that the toxins remained active for much longer than they should have, according to my research. Also, she prescribed an "herbal" ointment, presumably believing I was so naive as to think anything herbal was by definition wholesome.

This ointment has not helped the injury heal. On the contrary, the burn has worsened. I believe she is just using her patients to experiment. The doctor told me yesterday that this was caused by "energy blockage" as a result of interactions between the ointment and the nonprescription painkillers I was taking. If this is true, it makes matters even worse, as she entirely failed to warn me of this possibility, and should have known that the single dose of "herbal" painkiller she provided would not alleviate the severe pain of the burn for long. Dr Operngeist even went so far as to suggest that I get drunk on duty! Needless to say, I felt that I was better off treating the injury myself, with approved medications.

It is my belief that Dr Opergeist is a liability for your Sickbay, and hope that you will investigate into these matters.

Respectfully,

Lt Aleister MacAlpine, Information Officer

*He sends this missive off, and feels a lot better for having done so*

*Dr Swiftwater frowns as he reviews the email from Lt MacAlpine. He pulls the officer's file and checks the record of the treatment which his colleague meticulously noted.*

To: Lieutenant Aleister MacAlpine
From: Lieutenant Commander Aldar Swiftwater

Thank you for your missive. I see that you followed none of the recommendations that Dr Operngeist suggested – rather you followed your own ideas of how to treat your hand. When you treat yourself and ignore your physicians orders, you are asking for trouble. Allopathic medicine and holistic treatments DO NOT MIX.

I suggest that you have a talk to yourself about why you refuse to get well, a hypochondriac who does not improve won’t get the opportunity to go collect tea and sympathy the next time. If your condition is this bad perhaps, you need to look into the possibility of a medical discharge.

People cure themselves. If they decide not to get better, and force their invalid status on their associates - they become a liability to the corps. I had thought you were proud to be an officer of StarFleet, but if this behaviour continues it certainly does not bode well for your advancement .

Dr Aldar Swiftwater Chief Medical Officer CSS Mariposa

*Sam Larris is happy to drop into her chair beside Pierce, although she's got the monitors tonight*

*Luckily, they're not running the training film she was just forced to endure*

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=08BqaSuEE_w&mode=related&search=

*Starfleet seems to have a rather low budget for new films, and is reusing the old ones still*

* Isolde has just collected some insects for her lizards from the hatchery and, as she has some free time, decides to take a look at another part of H Deck. So, a little later, she walks towards the stables, looking around curiously. *

*Malaba spots the officer and tries her best to look keen and attentive - unlike the horse she's grooming, who's dozing, with one hind leg cocked and his head hanging*

Good watch, ma'am. What can I do for you?

*She realises something - something horrible - and leans forward to whisper urgently to the horse*

Monto! Not when there are officers present! There are bits you need to-

*She doesn't get to finish the sentence, because Monto wakes with a start at the hissing in his ear*

* Isolde smiles at the crewman grooming the horse. *

Good Vatch, Krewman. I vas just lookink around, beink kurious. I haven't been on board for very long, so...

*Since her attention is diverted, Malaba sets the bucket she was using to wash the horse where he can't accidentally drink it - it contains soapy water, and a little laundry blueing to make his white spots shine*

I see, ma'am. I hope you're enjoying the Mariposa.

* Isolde smiles at the Crewman. *

I am, sank you.

* She realises something. *

Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't introdused myself. Leutnant Isolde von Opergeist, Sickbay.

*The name confirms Malaba's suspicion, and she edges around to place herself protectively between Isolde and the horse*

I see. I try to avoid going to sickbay, ma'am.

*She laughs nervously*

I'm Malaba Ayin. I work down here.

* Isolde laughs. *

Zat's very vise of you, Krewman - unless you aktually need to, of kourse.

* She smiles and nods. *

Nise to meet you, Miss Ayin. How many horses do you have here?

*Malaba looks surprised*

Oh, I don't have any! But there are ten of them down here that I help take care of.

*She glances at Monto, but he's gone back to dozing, his ears hanging outward lazily*

* It's Isolde's turn to look surprised. *

Zat many? You must have a lot of vork, zen.

*Malaba nods seriously*

Yes, but Mr Hagman manages it all very well, and of course Vercingetorix helps him, and I do, too, as much as I can.

*She looks affectionately at Monto*

Anyway, they're all big sweeties.

* Isolde also glances at the horse. *

He sertainly is beautiful. Kan I have a look at ze ozzers, or are you too busy to give a pesky offiser a tour?

* She grins at Malaba. *

*Malaba isn't entirely sure - but this one isn't wearing a Romulan uniform, nor is she carrying a riding crop*

*Anyway, life in Grand Fenwick has prepared her for dealing with tourists of all sorts*

Well, I suppose...

*She can always finish combing out Monto's mane later*

Just let me finish washing him down, please, don't want any bits of soap left in his coat.

*She's already rinsed him once, but twice is better, to be on the safe side*

* Isolde nods. *

Of kourse. Your charges should kome first.

*Malaba goes to fetch the hose*

Stand clear, please, ma'am, wouldn't want you to get wet.

*She starts by spraying the horse's legs, then the top of his neck down to the back, his hindquarters, and finally, the belly and chest. When she's sure he's well-rinsed, she squeezes most of the water out of his coat with a metal sweat-scraper, then fetches a bucket with a little grain in it to keep him busy while he dries*

There. You're real pretty, boyo.

*She wipes her damp, horsey hands on her jumpsuit legs, and walks over to join Isolde*

He'll have to stay here to dry, else he'll roll and get all dusty. But I can show you the others now...