h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*HERALD-INTELLIGENCER-CLARION*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*




Welcome, welcome, dear reader of The Herald-Intelligencer-Clarion Krant, Newspaper, und Zeitung - Mariposa edition!!!

This epaper is so stunningly, so intergalactically all-informative, you'll wonder why you ever read anything else!!!




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Just a few of the wonderfully exciting features you'll find within these pages:



The MENU - all days, always, all messes!!!° Find out whether to bother going today!!!


The best ADVICE you'll ever get!!! Why bother asking Mum when Auntie Em KNOWS ALL???


What's HOT and what's NOT - Umbrella hats??? PUH-LEAZE!!! Those are SO parallel universe!!!


Things to DO aboard YOUR ship - find out about PARTIES, COMPETITIONS, CONCERTS and PLAYS°° before they happen!!!


GALACTOVISION - Can't get enough of Ray Starr??? Want to relive the moment when your ol' Sarge slipped on that banana peel??? Find out what's showing where and when in a lounge near YOU!!!


Your very own ship's ADVERTS - looking for ROMANCE or just a TOASTER??? Either way, find what you want here!!!


Follow the SPORTS??? Be it Zero-G Football, Redan Elephant Polo or Goth Baseball - find the latest here!!!


Actual NEWS!!! That's actually INTERESTING!!! When we have nothing better to do and get around to making some up!!! °°°°





*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*




°Well, except the Senior Officers - that ol' rascal Henri, he sure likes to surprise people, eh??? Eh???

°°Yeah, we know - Snore City, right??? But at least you'll have something to show off to your squash partner with.°°°

°°°Though if you're the kind who plays squash, you'll probably even enjoy these!!!

°°°°This is just our little joke, ha ha.



________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

~~~Menu~~~



This week, the breakfast buffets' hot dishes will be waffles, fried ham and scrambled eggs.

The cakes will be Lemon Meringue Pie, Black Forest Gâteau, and Rhubarb Crumble.




First Day:

Meal 1: Chicken fricassee over white rice, green peas

Meal 2: Steak, fried potaotes, baby carrots

Vegetarian: Spaghetti with tofu Sauce Bolognese, green peas

Side Dishes: Mixed green salad, whole-wheat bread

Dessert: Mousse au chocolat, peach halves in light syrup



Second Day:

Meal 1: Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, green beans

Meal 2: Fish filet, scalloped potaotes, baby carrots and peas

Vegetarian: Rice, refried beans, sour cream, corn, tortilla chips

Side Dishes: Bell pepper salad, dinner rolls

Dessert: Brownies, vanilla pudding with cherry sauce



Third Day:

Meal 1: Tortellini with mushroom cream sauce and a small mixed salad

Meal 2: Beef stew and grilled cheese sandwiches

Vegetarian: Fried aubergines, rice, and tzaziki

Side dishes: Carrot salad, bread sticks

Dessert: Ice cream cones, applesauce



Fourth Day:

Soup, bread, and salad buffet

Dessert: banana pudding, almond biscuits



Fifth Day:

Meal 1: Sweet-and-sour pork, wild rice

Meal 2: Salmon, wild rice, broccoli

Vegetarian: Asparagus, Sauce Hollandaise, buttered new potatoes

Side dishes: Baguettes, mixed green salad

Dessert: Hazelnut pudding, fresh grapes



Sixth Day:

Meal 1: Beef Stroganoff, egg noodles

Meal 2: Fried chicken, chips, corn on the cob

Vegetarian: Potatoes au gratin, green peas

Side dishes: Caesar salad, whole-wheat bread

Dessert: Peach Melba, gingersnaps


Seventh Day:

Meal 1: Sausages, fried potaotes, green beans

Meal 2: Paella with shrimp and fresh vegetables

Vegetarian: Lentil stew, saffron rice, steamed carrots

Side dishes: Spinach salad, breadsticks

Dessert: Strawberry ice cream, cherry compote

Dear Readers, here's Auntie Em, the sexy sage, ready to dispense advice!



Dear Auntie Em,

I live with this boy who seems to get all the girls.. and all I get is an 'itch'

How can I get a girl??

- Hankering for Hanky-Panky




Dear Hank,

The first thing you'll have to consider is the fact that no girl likes to think she exists just to scratch your itch. So don't make that your top priority. Learn to appreciate girls for their personalities, not for being the opposite sex. In the meanwhile, cold showers and long walks might help.

Barring that, try borrowing your friend's aftershave.

Hope to have helped!

Auntie Em






Got your own question for Auntie Em??? Don't hesitate to ask!!!

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!




IS OUR DREAM TEAM NO MORE???

That's right, folks - all of you who rejoiced at the beautiful tale of the Gheorgheni Countess and her love for a lowly sergeant° had better hold onto your seats!!!

It seems the postman deserves his reputation for getting around - yesterday, he was seen in the obviously interested presence of a crewman who even contrives to look good in those awful jumpsuits. She may help others fly high, but I think she's a bit more down-to-Earth for ya there, Sarge.

Meanwhile, the Countess seems to have opted for a more SECURE relationship, though she's stickin' to the theme o' sergeants. Of course, they do say they're walking the dog, but nudge nudge, wink wink, y'know??? Who can resist a man with the strength of lung to bellow back a poodle???

Is this the end of an era, or the beginning of something new and beautiful??? Stay tuned!!!




Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of YOUR ship.











°Sorry, Sarge!!!

Dear Readers, here's Auntie Em, the sexy sage, ready to dispense advice!!!

Dear Auntie Em,

Do you think dating outside your species is wrong? My mother disapproves of my girlfriend. She says I shouldn't become physically involved with humans outside of work, because it only leads to confusion.

If you like somebody, and they can figure you out, is it wrong to explore?

Respectfully,

Wondering About Apples and Oranges





Dear Wonder,

Auntie Em must admit that she's a bit puzzled by this one. She assumes you must be a big, strapping Romulan masseur. Just to clarify, dear, Romulans and Humans aren't different species, just different races. Or so Auntie Em learned in school.

To answer your question: no, it's not wrong, so long as your girlfriend is as into this as you are. And who could help it? So stop being so honest in your letters home to mum (just write them dutifully, like a good Romulan) and then go explore uncharted territory all you like.

In fact, Auntie Em herself wouldn't mind being discovered by you. *wink*



Hope to have helped!

Auntie Em





Got your own question for Auntie Em??? Don't hesitate to ask!!!

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!


PRELIMINARY REPORTIN'S ON THE PLANET LLANFAIR!!!

That's right, folks - just for you, ol' Snoop has been checking out that ball of yarn we're circling.

Now, getting caught in the rain's easy down there, but finding a Pina Colada proves just a bit difficult.



First Stop:

The Rose and Rent

http://www.aberystwyth-online.co.uk/images/pubs/academy.JPG

Ho-hum old-fashioned look, and watch out, these tourist brochures *lie* - it's never that sunny here. Plus, the entertainment... Blah City!!! But judge for yourself:

http://www.data-wales.co.uk/dw020.jpgacademy.JPG




Second Stop:

Yoko's Cwlb - missing a few vowels here, folks???

http://www.aberystwyth-online.co.uk/images/pubs/club_yokos.jpg

Yoko's unfortunately means yokels - is this the kind of company you like to keep???

http://www.ifip.com/yokels-1.jpg

So, on to the




Third Stop:

In the PINK!

http://www.pulsarlight.com/Hi-res/chromarangegallery/Club%20195_3.JPG

Unfortunately, if you ain't got that true religion, enough to build your own tower o' fish, good luck getting in here!

http://www.carwgenealogy.com/images/money.jpg
http://www.colinthomas.com/assets/peopleimages/bouncer-500.jpg




Fourth Stop:

The Dough-Re-Mi.

http://www.aberystwyth-online.co.uk/images/pubs/pier_pressure.JPG

Looked promising, but - didn't like us ship-boys, now did they???

So, unless you want the same thin air as outside and the icy stares of the local youth, back out.

http://www.ralphwindle.com/i/bertie_ramsbottom_1.jpg




Fifth Stop:

The Sunny Side of the Street

http://www.aberystwyth-online.co.uk/images/pubs/angel_inn.JPG

Outside, not so hot, but check out those girls!!!

Anyway, the name's promising, and just take a look inside!!! Perfect for pretending you're somewhere more exciting.

http://www.caribic-club.cz/glr/prostor-12.jpg

If you must be stuck on this dreary ball o' yarn, this is the place to do it. Yours truly found the drinks very satisfying, and the company no less so.

http://www.rachelleb.com/images/2004_08_16/pina_colada.jpg
http://www.andreaharner.com/archives/Andreaandpineapple2.jpg

Meet you there!




, Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of YOUR ship.

Sorry, folks, Snoopy has just realised he didn't get the piccie for the Rose and Rent just right.

http://www.data-wales.co.uk/dw020.jpg

That's better. Or is it??? Didn't entertain me, anyway!!!


Snoopy

~~~Menu~~~



This week, the breakfast buffets' hot dishes will be porridge, sausages and poached eggs.

The cakes will be apple pie, chocolate layer cake, and carrot cake.




First Day:

Meal 1: Veal cutlets in a parmesan crust, spaghetti, tomato sauce

Meal 2: Lasagna with lamb and fresh vegetables

Vegetarian: Cheese tortellini with parmesan and thyme butter, green peas

Side Dishes: Mixed green salad, whole-wheat bread

Dessert: Trifle, fresh fruit



Second Day:

Meal 1: Sausages, potato salad, pickles, sauerkraut

Meal 2: Chicken Cordon Bleu, rice, asparagus

Vegetarian: Mushroom omelette, chips, baby carrots

Side Dishes: Bell pepper salad, dinner rolls

Dessert: Joghurt with berries, apricot tarts



Third Day:

Meal 1: Beef Gulash with bell peppers and rice

Meal 2: Mutton in a spicy sauce, couscous, lentils

Vegetarian: Redan-style vegetable curry, rice

Side dishes: Apple-walnut salad, flat bread

Dessert: Fresh strawberries, pistachio ice cream



Fourth Day:

Soup, bread, and salad buffet

Dessert: chocolate pudding, cherry pie



Fifth Day:

Meal 1: Wok-fried noodles with ham, peas, mushrooms and tomatoes

Meal 2: Fish filet, rice, broccoli

Vegetarian: Fried potatoes, breaded cheese "cutlets", fried peppers

Side dishes: Baguettes, mixed green salad

Dessert: Vanilla pudding, pear halves in syrup



Sixth Day:

Meal 1: Chicken ragout, egg noodles, mixed vegetables

Meal 2: Pork chops, mashed potatoes, green beans

Vegetarian: Pasta with Alfredo sauce, baby carrots and green peas

Side dishes: Baguettes, Caesar salad

Dessert: Vanilla pudding, pear halves in syrup


Seventh Day:

Crepes with a variety of fillings

Side dishes: Cheese-and-leek soup, chicken soup, small salad buffet, dinner rolls

Dessert: Ice cream, meringues

Correction - desserts on Sixth Day will be

pecan sticky buns and fruit salad

Dear Readers, here's Auntie Em, the sexy sage, ready to dispense advice!!!


Dear Auntie Em,

Yesterday I met this cute guy from maintainance. Since I have seen him for the first time a few weeks ago I always have to think of him. Yesterday he even talked to me and he seemed to be interested, but my friend said that we don’t fit together. She told my fortune from the cards, you know?
What shall I do? Is it possible that the cards were wrong?

Yours,
hunnybunny



Dear Hunny,

Auntie Em hates to break it to you, but the cards *never* lie. That's why Auntie Em is so fond of them.

Do not despair, though! It could be that your friend didn't know what she was doing - or that she was using cards not attuned to the cosmic chords.

Now, you could simply conclude from this that the cards weren't right and you can go ahead and give him a try. But do you want to risk the uncertainty? The heartache? The *anguish*, if you're not meant for eachother?

Auntie Em suggests that you give her fully qualified team of "Guiding Spirits with Spirit Guides" a call under the communicator code ***^****-****/****** ° and get a fully qualified°° card reading for just 4.99783 poscreds/temporal unit!

If you fear that your love life will require interventions of this sort regularly, and you want to do something nice for your friend, who does seem a nice sort of girl and anxious to please, then there is another path you could follow! For a mere 349.99783 poscreds, we can deliver Auntie Em's "Spirited Guide to Spirit Guides for Guiding Spirits", a full 25 pages, illustrated in four colours, with a set of Auntie Em's very own cards, illustrated by THE UNIVERSE ITSELF!°°°

This will give you certainty in all matters of the heart! And for other problems - job, family, finances - expansion packs are a mere 99.99783 poscreds!

Otherwise, just give him a try and ignore your friend. She's probably just jealous.

Hope to have helped!

Auntie Em




Got your own question for Auntie Em??? Don't hesitate to ask!!!






° Code censored to protect our readers from their own folly, and an overdrawing of their accounts.

°° They all have certificates from Joe's Fly-Thru Place O' Power

°°° Aided by a few overworked, underpaid Art students and some rather interesting substances in the ventilation system

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!



Attention, attention!!! This is no mere rumour!!! Snoopy was down there and saw it with his OWN EYES!!!

Ol' Snoop has been down in Portmeirion, hanging out at the Pantheon Hotel to watch all the hot babes and maybe clap eyes on THE FINALISTS for the song contest. Weeeeeeell, this afternoon, I got lucky!!! Not with the babes, sadly, but I *did* see the main competitor for the post of Grand Crab, or whatever he's called. And whoooo-weeeee!!! Despite all the hot babes, I'd not want to be in *his* place at the moment.

Just as I was casually strolling by, milling about with everyone else who was just casually strolling by, a woman slapped him, right in the face, in front of all those hot babes!!! So don't worry, folks - even a lot of money won't prevent the girls from doing that. *wink*

And now, readers mine, come just a bitty closer - and keep your boots on, because THIS WILL BLOW YOUR SOCKS OFF!!! The "lady" doing the slapping was someone from this very vessel, someone we know and loathe - at least those of use whose uniforms aren't always picture-perfect do...

So, does this romance have any chances of going anywhere??? Is this her traditional ethinc way of saying "I love you"??? Will we be seeing Angelbright Humperdumper promenading in our Arboretum of an evening with her???

Stay tuned!!!


Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of YOUR ship.

Sad? Indecisive?? Bored??? Fear not!!!!

Madam Zumu’umatirnixta

is here to help, advise, console, counsel and cheer!!! Find out about *your* future° right here in your Horoscope!!!



Capricornus:
http://www.ifp.uiuc.edu/~locbui/zodiac/slides/10%20-%20Capricornus.jpg

Your promotion prospects are good, but you may be asked to make a sacrifice. If done grudgingly, it will backfire. Do not eat cheese between First Watch, seven bells, and Third Watch, five bells.


Aquarius:
http://www.yahwehsnewkingdom.com/Aquarius.jpg

Three and eight and seven will rule your life this month, but your lucky number is a prime so large we can’t calculate it. Your lucky colour is orange, but avoid it in combination with fennel. If you can’t get a date, a bath may work wonders, or at least keep you occupied.


Pisces:
http://www.jolls.co.uk/assets/images/pisces.jpg

You’re gonna inherit a fortune, but don’t spend it all on African seals.


Aries:
http://www.semsk.kz/entert/vallejo/images/1987/aries.jpg

Your days will be filled with good fortune, but you may have slightly disturbing dreams of badgers. If symptoms persist, see a physician.


Taurus:
http://www.madalynaslan.com/images/HOROSCOPE_taurus.jpg

Don’t worry about finding the right time to take shore leave, it will rain whenever you go.


Gemini:
http://www.galleryone.com/images/vickers/vickers%20-%20gemini.jpg

If you are kind to hamsters, it may improve your chances of getting ahead in life. Your lucky number is seventeen, but don’t tell anyone. If you let your brain idle, you will be stuck with a variety of Sousa marches all day.


Cancer:
http://www.heartlandhouse.com/images/cancer_canvas.jpg

Call your mum. Go on. You haven’t in a while, and you promised you would, now didn’t you?


Leo:
http://lynx.uio.no/jon/gif/fiction/leo.gif

If you find a loose bolt, pick it up, throw it in the air and clap your hands three times. If you can avoid it falling on your head, you will gain the power of being able to make sense of Cpl Kindred on your next trip to the Chandlery.


Virgo:
http://www.samaelgnosis.net/astrologia/virgo.jpg

Love is just around the corner, but unfortunately, there’s a locked door and an armed guard in between. How desperate are you?


Libra:
http://www.mi-futuro.com/horoscopo_amor/libra.jpg

Keep away from officers. If you are one, you’ve got a problem, now haven’t you? Mad bulls will not harm you, but that’s a bit useless on a starship.


Scorpius:
http://www.wilsonsalmanac.com/images2/med_scorpio_op.jpg

There is no shortcut to success – but you may find the key to a sportscar on the great highway of life so you can get there faster. Pat your pockets and check under the bed. Sadly, this is incompatible with stopping to smell the roses. They’ll die from the exhaust fumes.


Ophiuchus:
http://www.eastbayastro.org/articles/lorepics/ophiuchus.gif

Do not walk under the trees in the Arboretum – the birds have it in for you. Luckily, blue is your lucky colour, so keep that uniform on!


Sagittarius:
http://www.elore.com/Astrology/Sagittarius/islamic_sagittarius.jpg
You will love the food in the mess halls and GV will be showing just what you wanted to watch. For some reason, you’ll be miserable anyway for a good half-hour every day.




°Ususal restrictions apply. Void where prohibited. One per customer.

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!



Ladies and other gentlefolk, heeeeeere’s Snoopy reporting from the front lines of The Culinary Revolution!!!

Aaaaah, boys and girls, ‘tis a sad, sad thing when, and I quote “Dinner's supposed to be the highlight of the day, right? And then they give you *peas* and *salad*.” Your Sky Spy aka yours truly (Snoopy, right???) has had a chance for a truly exclusive undercover interview with one of the leaders of the Great Resistance, a girl who wishes to remain anonymous. But let me tell you, whooo-weee!!! She’s a looker!!! Pretty blonde thing like that, I’m glad she’s organising the Resistance, because who could resist her, eh??? Nudge nudge, wink wink.

“We just know we don't like sauerkraut and smegging spaghetti. We want buffalo wings and deep-fried March bars,” this beauty sums up the aim of the game. “We want to have more *nice* things to eat, not all those *vegetables*. All that *broccoli* and *whole-wheat* bread and beef strogawhatsit and *fruit salad*” Fully with you there, m’dear even if you weren’t such a delicious morsel yourself. “What's wrong with cheeseburgers and jello? Or curly-wurlies and funnel cake? Why can't we eat what we want to? We want buffalo wings and deep-fried March bars.” Now, doesn’t that sound better???

“What do they think we are, rabbits?” – dear fellow travellers through the endlessly vast reaches of space, ask yourselves this question. Men or rodents°, which are we? It is time to stand up and fight, unless we’ve collapsed from hunger, ha hah.

Luckily, we have our beautiful glorious leader to organise things. “We demand things like hamburgers, French fries, jelly donuts and chocolate fudge. Then everybody would be happy!” she explains. “A lot of people are dissatisfied with the menu. We are organising a protest!”

She would like to change “The person who makes the menus up.” Unfortunately, she says, “We don't even *know* who decides on the menu.” Never fear, Snoopy’s here!!! I wouldn’t be your ol’ Snoop if he couldn’t find these things out. The culprit, ladies and gentlemen, is Sgt Sophie Larris. And the plan, ladies and gentlemen, is as follows.

Our glorious leader has created a protest form – get it while it’s hot off the press!!! Simply take the form at the end of this article and mail it to her – no need for names, just use the special console login name “This menu” and the password “sucks”. The more, the merrier!!! Tell your friends!!! Send it as often as you like!!!

“Me and my friends don't like the menu!” – simple enough, eh??? So remember, Sarn’t Larris - get them by the stomachs, and their hearts and minds will follow!!!



~~~ Totally And Utterly Unofficial Protest Form ~~~

To: Sgt Sophie Larris
Re: What passes for food around here

Salutations and all that, Sarge.

What’s with the food??? Why must we constantly have things like +++ insert least favourite mess hall foods here +++ ??? Why can’t we have more nice things like +++ insert favourite foods here +++??? We protest!!! You have an official duty to keep our morale up, all that vitamin junk is Dr Swiftwater’s job, see???

The bad food has caused me personally to:

+++ Check all that apply, like so: O -> X +++

O Have stomach cramps.

O Go to work hungry because there’s nothing I can keep down for breakfast.

O Get totally drunk and lose control because I had an empty stomach. +++ Attach fine receipt if applicable +++

O Overdraw my replicator allowance +++ Ditto +++

O Skip too many meals and have to go to sickbay by reason of feeling faint.

O Have to use my precious shore leave time to shop for supplies.

O Cry myself to sleep.


You don’t want to be responsible for all that, do you Sarge??? So have mercy, or watch your back!!!



Yours truly,

A Warrior of the Culinary Revolution


~~~ Simply cut ‘n’ paste, and remember, just use the special console login name “This menu” and the password “sucks” so they won’t be able to trace and punish you!!! ~~~


Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of YOUR ship






° Puppeteer’s Note: Since this paper lacks editors, and Snoopy’s never *heard* the word lagomorph, we’ll have to leave it at that.

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!


This is your good ol’ Snoop, reporting once more from the front lines of the Battle for Decent Grub. Worse than The Day The Potatoes Died.

In a move as surprising as it was sneaky and malicious, we’ve been given the finest of bland pig slop now. Must we take this??? WE MUST NOT, BRETHREN AND (uh) SISTREN!!!!!! We have an ace up our sleeve, dear crew, but the ink it was printed with is still drying, so to speak. Meanwhile, despair not!!! This is the next cunning plan:

First of all – we want a group of dedicated volunteers to follow each filler of dispensers and empty the smegging things before any higher-ups can get at the treasures within, and more volunteers to distribute the chow we get to crew, and crew ONLY – the officers and sergeants still have decent messes, let them eat cake there!!! Anyone working in the kitchens, smuggle as much good stuff out as you can!!! Redistribution centres will be set up, never fear.

Otherwise, I, Snoopy Hood, call on you for a HUNGER STRIKE until this matter is resolved, one way or another!!! All messhall food will be boycotted. That will show them!!! But don’t just not go, go and occupy all the tables!!! Stare at anyone who IS eating with utter contempt or whatever else you come up with!!! All ye poor, ye tired, ye huddled masses longing to be fed, UNITE!!!


Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of YOUR ship

*Snoopy has written an article. Er…it was not *this* article. The Emperor of Ice Cream has edited it somewhat*

*Snoopy's version - which the Mariposa never got to read - is in parentheses. The rest is what the Goth program produced*


(Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!)

A pleasant diurnal anomaly to you all, oh woefully wronged readers.


(This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot,
hot news for you today!!!)

Wretched scribbler that I am, I wish to offer you all my humblest apologies for the way in which I have lied to you and misled you in the past weeks. The misuse of the pen is the worst of all crimes against Beingkind.

(Well, we are lucky ducks, because everyone's faaaaavourite singer will
now be available throughout the galaxy, in high-fidelity and
technicolor!!!

That's right, ANGELBRIGHT HUMPERDUMPER himself will bid this smegging
ball of yarn farewell and reach for the stars - and he'll be working
with the one, the only, the hottest bit of flesh and bone this Universe
has to offer - ECCENTRICA GALLUMBITS!!!

So to avoid crowding the crew lounges in primetime, Snoopy humbly
proposes GV screens in every mess - that's right - EVERY mess,
whoeveritis that decides these things!!! It will give us something to
distract us from the so-called menu...)

There is some unimportant news about some ridiculously overrated lounge singer, but I will not burden you with that, as I am sure you have higher things on your mind than listening to musical drivel.

(As one young crewman on this very vessel says:

"Well, there's no place to meet girls now, is there? All that smeg in
the mess just isn't worth the bother of chewing it, so they all avoid
going there - and then they get all skinny. Who wants a really skinny
girl? Anyway, listening to Humperdumper and his songs may get them in
certain moods... And then the dorm will be nice and empty, since the
other two will be busy ogling Eccentrica, since they can't have the
real thing. What could be better?"

Well spoken, stalwart young buck!!! This kid was interviewed by Snoopy
himself - in front of a sandwich dispenser, where he was waiting for
REAL food, not giving in to the lure of the mess. What a guy!!!)

I have insulted the cooking staff of this fine vessel, and for this I humbly beg their pardon. If they were to marinate me in Tabasco sauce, and serve my boiled carcass to the starving masses, it would be a better fate than I deserve. I am overcome with shame.

I have also fomented mutiny on a vessel owned by Starfleet, that fine organization whose only fault is to have DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS WITH THOSE SMEGGERS THE ROMULANS, MAY THEY ROT IN TARTARUS. Ahem. But be that as it may, Captain Sharpe has deserved better at my hands.

(So!!! Sign the petition for more GV!!! Demand your right to
entertainment!!! Your morale is Starfleet's bread and butter!!!)

I wish to convey to Captain Sharpe - a fine officer, even if he doesn't truly appreciate the French - my sincerest apologies, and to assure him that I will be turning myself in to Security at the earliest possible opportunity, there to await my just punishment.

(Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of YOUR ship. )

The Wretched Scribbler Who Hides Behind the False Name of a Noble Friend of Mankind, and Brave Pilot - .

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!



That's right!!! Your Snoopster is back, having finally unsmegged his console!!! (He hopes)

I've also just been grooving it up over at DOS - checking it out for all of *you*, my best buds!

It's not quite the Big Bang Burger, but the Delta Diner will serve you anything you crave, provided it's fried - but after all the rabbit food on this ship, who doesn't want something boiled in oil?

http://www.larry-bolch.com/desert2002/images/21.Kingman-Diner.jpg

If your little lady lacks a liking for poodle skirts, try Perry's - not a lot of officers there, and they'll even top up your wine!!!

http://www.kingofprussia.com/marrones/images/marrone4.jpg

Hayanna is best to be avoided - posh food for posh prices, dripping with officers... And it's not exotic enough to be worth it, tastes like a Romulan birthday party.

http://www.celticcastles.com/chateaux/hotel-de-vigny-paris/img/dining2.jpg

The Saturn Steer Steakhouse was more like it - meat, piles of it, and not a smegging vegetable in sight!!!

http://www.directoryofsandiegobusinesses.com/image/san%20diego%20premier%20steakhouse.jpg

Snoopy's favourite, though, is the Jack and Jill Bar and Grill. Ever tried Jackalope? Now's your chance!!!

http://snowedin.net/images/jackalope-640.JPG



In other news, two crew members have gone missing. Dumb idea, anyway, letting yourself be shot into space in a jumped-up vaccum flask. Anyone who bet this would happen - Snoopy advises collecting your winnings quietly; the Captain is rumoured to be a bit smegged off about this as is. But at least it's a Security corporal who's disappeared, and a middle-aged *male* nurse - gives you a lower chance of being arrested and a higher chance of getting to deal with one of those sweet young things from Sickbay - now's the time to pick a fight!!!°



More importantly, the annual Air Tuba competition is coming up - sign up now for your chance at stardom!!! The main event is scheduled for a week from now, so better warm up those cheek muscles and get honking!!! In order to be fair, ol' Snoop won't be competing. He's destined for greater things. The JURY!!! Thaaaaat's right. And it just so happens that the main prize will be a night out on the town (or what passes for one around here) with Snoopy and his buds!!!



Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of YOUR ship




°Unless you're an officer, in which case, this suggestion is a joke. Sheesh. But only then, wink, wink.

Sad? Indecisive?? Bored??? Fear not!!!!

Madam Zumu’umatirnixta

is here to help, advise, console, counsel and cheer!!! Find out about *your* future° right here in your Horoscope!!!



Capricornus:
http://homepage.mac.com/catincat/picture/01/images/capricornus.jpg

Watch that cat, he's up to something. Don't ask me what.


Aquarius:
http://open.24.net/Gif/Good_Collection/Horoscope/Aquarius.1.JPG

Careful, you're skating on thin ice! Keep talking to her like that, and you'll make her unhappy enough to do something about it.


Pisces:
http://www.serpentmandalas.com/pisces.jpg

If you should find a frog in your sock drawer, give him a cookie and leave him be - he's not dangerous. Should he be in the shelf with the towels, though, run for your life!!!


Aries:
http://www.tomarma.com/Gallery/Zodiac/images/Aries.jpg

Fortune smiles on you!!! Make it to the mess hall in time tomorrow, and you shall have the last bowl of pudding.


Taurus:
http://www.twistoflime.com/twistBlog/blogImages/dorisTaurus.jpg

When passing the Captain in the hallways, wish him "Bonjour" - the results will be funny (for us), but painful(for you).


Gemini:
http://www.fotosearch.com/comp/DEX/DEX200/IL001_054.jpg

You have my sympathy. My deep, heartfelt sympathy, because the colour blue is unlucky to you all week!!!


Cancer:
http://www.imgag.com/product/full/ap/3033974/kcan1cp.gif

Caution, you tend to offend people easily this week!!! Better keep to yourself, mostly. Though, come to think of it, that may offend the people you're ignoring...


Leo:
http://www.strangeling.com/leodetail1.jpg

This is an excellent week for kitchen duty, maintenance, and boot polishing. Avoid garbage detail, though.


Virgo:
http://www.anitanairne.com/images/zodiac/virgo.jpg

You've always wanted a squirrel, but sorry, they're not permitted on board as pets. Can I interest you in a pet rock???


Libra:
http://www.samaelgnosis.net/revista/ser07/libra.jpg

The secret code is - wink twice, tap your left toe on the ground, and *then* offer to shake hands. Ok???


Scorpio:
http://www.lottery24.com/img/horoscope/scorpio.gif

Your lucky number may or may not be 9520. Just in case, use it as often as possible.


Ophiuchus:
http://www.charlottesweb-atl.com/ophiuchus.jpg

Getting your quarters ready for inspection: bad luck. Par-taying like there's no tomorrow: good luck. Just tell the officers you read it here!!!


Sagittarius:
http://www.myastrologybook.com/Johfra-Bosschart-Sagittarius-3x4.1.jpg

Remember that dream you had last night??? None of it is true, not a bit of it, except the thing about Auntie Clara.



°Ususal restrictions apply. Void where prohibited. One per customer.

Dear Readers, here's Auntie Em, the sexy sage, ready to dispense advice!!!



Dear Auntie Em,

During the last few weeks I often dreamed I were a dog. My roommate says that I even barked at night. Also my horoscope said that there will be big changes in my life.
When I take walks in the arboretum dogs suddenly bark at me or want to sniff my… you know? And I suddenly don’t want to eat vegetables anymore.
Will I turn into a dog?

- Wondering Woofie


Dear Woofie,

Unfortunately, it's been scientifically proven that humans don't turn into dogs. Don't you wish you were??? You could sleep all day, be fed, get taken for walkies by that woman who's always trudging around the Arbo. Plus, the vet's checkups are less often than the doctor's, what's not to like??? Even the dog food beats that SMEG they're still calling FOOD in the messhall!!! Ahem.

Tough cookie, sweetie, you're no dog. If you manage to turn into one, tell me how!!!

Hope to have helped!!!

Auntie Em



*************************************************************************************************************************************************************************



Dear Auntie Em,

I have a problem with my sister. She keeps writing and asking for money and lies about why she needs it, she says she's going to jail or that she needs it for a job that sounded really dangerous... I wrote her and told her to get *off* Rigel, because she might be robbed or killed or something there. Now she wrote me back and said she wasn't really there, but she'll go there if I don't send her money!

I know she just wants to use it to get drunk and go to parties. She stopped going to school and she doesn't want to get a job, either. What shall I do? I don't use up all my money, but I don't want to give it to her because I think she'll get in trouble with it.

- Worried Big Sister


Dear Big,

You say that your sister has a problem, because she wants to go to parties and have fun. At her age, that's perfectly normal. At *any* age, that's perfectly normal, preferring parties to work. And if she has no job, she obviously can't spend her own money on it!!! You're doing her a big disfavour, not letting her explore her personality.

Auntie Em thinks you're just looking for an excuse not to send her the money, because you're greedy and selfish. I'm sorry for the poor girl, having a sister like you!!! Would it kill you to send it to her??? If you don't need it anyway, you obviously don't understand how to party, but that doesn't mean she should suffer!!! You need to work on your personality, dear, it needs a major overhaul.

Hope to have helped!!!

Auntie Em



Got your own question for Auntie Em??? Don't hesitate to ask!!!

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!


Thaaaaaaaat's right!!! Time for another update on what's rocking *your* boat these days!!! Today, we ascend into the heady world of Above Stairs - time to go see what the good ol' officers are doing!!!

We recently saw a notice - not to be overlooked in *that* colour scheme - advertising the fact that we've got yet another sawbones on board, a shrink this time!!! Now, Snoopy was going to risk the brilliant, the dangerous, the daring, the ultimately spooky experiment of submitting himself to a session, just to report back to you with the story of the year: Dr Ace Lens° - Is he a quack, or do I go back???

But, your Snoopster is sad to report that it wasn't to be.

"All you have to do is call me with the com system, leave a message on my computer or push the button on the announcer box and we can schedule it right then and there." - Beautiful. The promise is beautiful. But all of the above were to no avail!!!

"The Mariposa Space Psychology Office is conveniently located near other guest suites on the A deck in room 12. You can tell which one it is right away by either the multi-lingual sign labeled out front." - What's convenient about it being way off up there where it's crawling with officers??? And since when isn't English good enough for us Mariposistas???

Ignoring the silly credentials - we, too, can pick up diplomas cheap in antique shops, my dear boy!!! - we come to this little gem...

"Office hours: Flexible, can be set up in advance or impromptu is also likely to be okay, since chances are that I can be found in my office the majority of the time unless otherwise indicated in advance." - I hope you don't gamble, Acester, because every time I've been there, you've not!!! What kind of chances are those???

So much for him!!!







In other news, here's an officer trying to get on our good side. Don't we love it, boys and boyettes, letting them do all that work that we can just ignore???

The one, the only, the most informational officer of them all, Lt MacAlpine has cordially invited us all°° to attend his soirée°°° to be held in Crew Lounge Four tomorrow, Seventh Day.

First of all, there'll be the boring bit you have to sit through - described by him as a "Poetry Reading to Uplift and Inspire the Working Classes" - bring your epads and headphones!!!

The next bit sounds more promising, though - free popcorn°°°° for all comers, and an ancient little film he's looking forward to showing us all. Preview looks vaguely amusing, at least...

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/flash/5625badgerplane.swf

Be there or be a rectangle with whatever quality it is that turns it into a square rather than just a plain rectangle!!! Even if it's just to suffer with the rest of us!!!







Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of YOUR ship




° Sounds like flimsy mass-produced spectacles!!!

°° Though to the best of Snoopy's knowledge, no cordial will be served

°°° Pronounced sorry, if the Cap'n finds out he's using words like that!!!

°°°° Can anyone say "ammo"???

Goooooooooooooooood Morning, Folks!!!

This is Snoopy, your Sky Spy Standin' By, and boy have I got some hot, hot news for you today!!!

A bleak day it is. The day is bleak. Grey. It is grey all around. A grey fog. Is this the end??? The END???

It all started one fine first watch toward the earlier end of Taurus, that being about now, when yours truly, the SNOOPSTER, was a-perambulating in the Arboretum, getting a noseful of what passes for fresh air around here - everywhere else on this ship, it smells of old socks. But ahem. Fascinating as the nasal dilemmas of myself may be, they detract from the point.

That being. That this. Ship is. Entirely overrun. With Larrises. Especially up there. And they all look the smegging same!!! They're death - death to the little freedom we maintain!!! The story unfolds as follows.

Here was Snoopy - the hero of the oppressed - just walking along, thinking about what he could do. His straits were dire, whatever that means. It just sounds very literary. What little funding there was for a ship's paper had been cut because of his staunch refusal to speed the de-whateveritis of man by printing the so-called "menu". How was he to purchase enough console time to put this publication out, not to mention paying Auntie Em, Madam Zumu’umatirnixta, and all the others whose writing we depend on to give us our daily dose of newspaperiness???

What should meet his ears, though, other than the noise of a crowd, a host of those smegging Larrises singing??? And lo!!! their singing went thisaway.

Bookies cursing
Cars reversing
I had the Bottle of Smoke
Glasses steaming
Vessels bursting
I had the Bottle of Smoke

They were celebrating!!! Showing off their good fortune in having won a bet!!! Snoopy shook his head sadly, and thought no more of it. Until, that is, until the fateful day when he was walking along those dark and dank and dire and dreadful and otherwise starting with D corridors that are the skulkable byways of GCAB station, and found a discreet little notice with discreet little letters advertising - to those knowing how to read the signs - a HAMSTER RACE!!!

His heart beating faster, clutching the few precious poscreds with which he'd planned to buy a sandwich to sustain him and slow the downfall of THICKNUZ, Snoopy approached the venue. He looked at the lists. He cackled, yes, crewmen and crewmenettes, he cackled. He recalled the Song of the Larris. They must have thought him stupid. He thought of their words, and understood them.

Twenty smegging five to one
Me gambling days are done
I bet on a horse called the Bottle of Smoke
And my horse won

No, not a horse. A hamster. Who races horses when there are hamsters??? And there, with the odds of twenty smegging five to one, was Flagon of Flame. Naturally, your Snoop put his paltry pile of poscreds on the table. He tore the brim off his hat clutching it in anticipation. He saw Flagon of Flame leave the starting whatsit, at the pole position. He saw his dreams shattered as Flagon of Flame came in second° to smegging last. Curse you, Larrises!!! Curse you!!!

A bleak day it is. The day is bleak. Grey. It is grey all around. A grey fog. Is this the end??? The END???

Snoopy hates to ask. He writes for art's sake, for the sake of freedom, not for money. But if you, my brethren and sistren can spare a few poscreds, we'll get this paper back on the road!!!


Snoopy - always with a finger on the pulse of YOUR ship.





°The losing animal, Hamster One Of Thousands Of Others, took a full fifteen minutes to arrive. Rather bet on him than give your money to those in League With Larrises!!!