h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Memo to Jamison Douglass*

Gladly, when they fineally return i'll inform them. It will be nice to have some new faces aboard the ship. What does a standard Starfleet uniform look like anyway i wonder..

Lt Hadubrandsdauther -

The standard Starfleet uniform - unlike these modified Napoleonic-War straitjackets we're immured in, thanks to the Captain (and don't quote me, please) - consists for officers and crew of a white, tailored, belted jumpsuit with patch pockets, and knee pockets. There is a Starfleet patch on the left shoulder, and a specialty badge on the right - for command, medical, veterinary, communications (including library), shuttle service, support, etc. There is a name badge over the right breast pocket, and a ship's logo on the left. There are pips on the collar for officers, and stripes on the sleeves for non-commissioned officers.

These jumpsuits are made, madam, of easy-care, permanent-press *cotton*.
They do not require starch.

And, since a starship is not an outdoor sort of place, Starfleet officers not afflicted with a nostalgia for the bivouacs of Spain and Portugal wear soft white leather boots.

The closures on these marvelous uniforms are of velcro, Lt Anya, and apart from the belts require no fastenings of any nature whatsoever - no buttons, hooks and eyes, and no bl***y braces!

Your pardon, ma'am. I grow overexcited.

Gaels, ma'am, in this wonderful world that is not the Mariposa, wear cotton trousers and shirts, which they usually wear - with little view to decorum - untucked, with their sleeves rolled up, for which purpose there is a hand button and flap arrangement. These dark-blue uniforms are also, I wish to note, made of easy-care permanent-press *cotton*.

Gaels also wear white shoes, which tie - for we are, indeed, capable of tying our own shoes, whatever Starfleet in its wisdom may think.

Should you see any of these visions on your walks through the ship, Lt Anya, they are not hallucinations. They are REAL BL***Y STARFLEET OFFICERS!

End of rant, ma'am.

Yours as Patiently as He May Be,

Jamison Douglass

Ok wow that's obviousley a sore point...sounds kinda cool though. No wait AHHHH i think this place is getting to me, who says cool! </>

Lt. Hadubrandsdauther -
I'm going to send an updated version of the supplies in Supplyroom 23-A, in a few hours after I sort through the mess.
Respectfully,
Lt. Roberts

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

I wish to introduce myself. I am Radu Popescu, the astromorph veterinarian on board the Mariposa. That is to say, I am the veterinarian *for* astromorphs - the Gaels and the Captain's dog - not an astromorph myself. I am a geomorph, like your good self. I am a Romanian, and I apologise for my Count-Dracula English. I cannot help it - my grandmother was bitten by a vampire (she got better).

I wish to submit my first note on astromorph natural history. It is filed at A6915990.

I hope to meet you in person one diurnal anomaly.

Yours,

Radu Popescu

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter - for your files

From: Dr Castlemaine
Re: Lt Kyra Christopoulos

Captain -

Lt Kyra Christopoulos is in sickbay. She is unconscious, and likely to remain so for at least the next 24 hours. Her health is unimpaired, and she is not seriously injured. We are keeping her comfortable and hydrated.

The reason Lt Christopoulos is in sickbay, Captain, is that the Gaels gave her one of their voodoo tonics to drink - one that is inimical to the human metabolism in space.

Sir, I wish you would curb your animals. They are a menace to the health of the crewmen under my care.

If steps are not taken to insure the safety of the crew, I shall complain to Starfleet medical.

I would also take this opportunity to remind you, Captain, that you are overdue for your annual physical.

Yours,

Leslie Castlemaine, Chief Medical Officer

WOW Dr Castlemaine is certainly opinionated. Good luck with reporting to Starfleet! I should have done that a LONG time ago </>

Can do Dr Castlemaine!

Lt Hadubrandsdauther -

To set the record straight - we did *not* deliberately poison Lt Christopoulos.

We gave her a tonic which we thought was perfectly safe. Unfortunately, the tonic has a bad effect on human metabolisms.

The fact that Gaels have no business sharing their medicines with humans has been forcibly brought home to us by the Captain.

Yours ruefully,

Rory Donahue

Note From Space celeb & former Rock musician, The ThreeEerhtian - Ray Starr:
"That wildly popular Galactovision series 'Off-shoot:' is looking for some character auditions for the new season. We'd like to seek out Any and all potential-skilled (& qualified applicants) in this sector."
Yours,
Ray Starr, CricketMan Esper of ThreeEerht 3

*Lt Anya sits in the centre of the library, enjoying the peace as she meditates, centring herself. But she starts to laugh, though she’s no clue why, it feels so good to laugh. This ship had made her far too serious. She decided now that she would relax more. Be her old self. And that would start with her revenge on the romulen..but how..*

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

This is another memo for your files.

Rory

To: All senior officers, all junior officers, all civilian staff members, and all ancillar personnel of the CSS Mariposa

Re: Warren Access

To all aboard the Mariposa -

Access to the warren is now by direct permission of the Captain only.

Each person authorised to enter the warren will be issued a personal passcode number which must be entered into the keypad beside the door for admission.

Maintenance, security, and veterinary personnel (Dr Popescu only) will have been issued official passcodes. All others wishing access to the warren must submit a request - in writing - to the Captain in order to receive a personal passcode.

This measure is to ensure the safety of the warren's occupants, and to prevent cross-contamination during the nesting phase of Gael breeding.

It would be an accomplishment for the Mariposa to have succeeded in breeding feral Gaels in captivity.

Respectfully,

Rory Donahue

*Message*

To: All, CSS Mariposas
Re: N/A

Pog mo thoin.

Respectfully,

Rory Donahue

*Message*

To: All, CSS Mariposa
Re: Previous message from Rory Donahue

I deeply regret any offense caused by the previous message.

It was sent in error.

I wish to stress that I would never, ever ask anyone on the CSS Mariposa to do that.

Respectfully,

Rory Donahue

*Message*

A recipe for your archives

Apricot Chicken

Ingredients:

3 lbs boneless chicken breasts
4 - 6 sliced or crushed apricots and their juice
1 cup orange or lemon juice
2 medium sliced onions, sautéed in 2 teaspoons butter

Slice chicken breasts and place in baking dish. Mix together apricots, orange/lemon juice and sautéed onions. Pour mixture over chicken. Bake at 350°F for 35 minutes.

Serve with rice or vegetables.

Serves 6.

*End message*

Lt Hadubandsdauhter -

A search for the missing orders for the new diplomatic envoy, Mr Eli Charognard, has so far proven fruitless.

I just wanted to let you know that we have such a person on board.

Respectfully,

Rory Donahue

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

I just wanted to say hi. I'm Toirdhealbhach, and I'm 4. Days old, that is.

I'm learning to do the communications with my uncle Rory this morning.

I think we have something in common, ma'am. We both have names that are hard to spell.

Oh, uncle Rory says to tell you that he heard Unterweltraumfuehrerin Brunhild von Forchtenstein zu Hinterpfuiteufel call you 'Ms Hubschrauber'.

He wanted me to tell you that 'Hubschrauber' is Romulan for 'helicopter'.

I don't know what that is, but it must be something nice, or she wouldn't call you it, would she?

Uncle Rory says Unter- what I wrote before - has No Room To Talk, with a name like that.

I hope I meet you soon.

Respectfully,

Toirdhealbhach (Or you can write Turlough, it's the same thing)

Turlough -

Thank you! I recognise your name but i can't quite pin it down.

Yes I'm not sure she likes me but i don't know why she would call me a helocopter..that's odd. Helocopters are flying machines..weird. Anyway i'm sure i'll get to speak to you properly soon.

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

Thank you, ma'am. I look forward to that. I'm Jamie and Morgan's new cub, ma'am.

Respectfully,

Toirdhealbhach

*Message to Captain Sharpe, with cc to Security, the Shuttle Bay, Maintenance, Communications, the Library, Sickbay and the Laundry*

To: Lotz uv pipple
Re: Insident in Shuttle Bay last nite

Pipple -

Ther wuz a insident in the Shuttle Bay last nite. Leftenant Santos fell down agin & cracked his heid opun.

He bled a lot and messt up hiz uneeform.

Also he wuz indjurd so he iz in Sick Bay now.

He duz thiz a lot.

Nobuddy nose wut happent. We askt a lot uv pipple (4).

But 1 informunt - who will remane anony- not named, but who is a shuttle pilot, said Santos wuz probly drunk agin.

Thiz compleatz ur report.

Disrespeckfuly (becuz we r not Gales),

Smith, Jones, & Davis,
Ensigns

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

Here is the file bio of our new envoy. At last.

Respectfully,

Rory Donahue


Eli Charognard. http://tosirwithlove.co.uk/Image3_png_jpg_JPG.html

Born 1957 in New Orleans’ French Quarter to mixed-race couple Bernard, an African-American body-and-fender man and bass player, and Charlotte, a Caucasian school teacher. Proved himself very smart and did well at school.

Struck by lightning at the age of twelve; rematerialised on New Ameland, an island world settled by Dutch colonists, where he was cared for and raised. Adapted well to his new surroundings and once again showed himself to be an excellent student.

Graduated one year after the start of the Clone Wars. Got dispensation from military service because of school results and began a biology study at the University of New Ballum, specialising in exobiology. Graduated with honors six years later. Applied for the Diplomatic Corps and was accepted. Was a junior member of the team that negotiated the peace treaty (Treaty of Vega Station) during the last three years of the Clone Wars. Has held several diplomatic posts since then, both in the Confederation and outside it.

Current assignment: Diplomatic envoy for the CSS Mariposa.

Leash-licenced.

Fully qualified pilot.