h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

* A message arrives at the Mariposa Library's main console. *

To: Lt Hadubrandsdaughter, CSS Mariposa
From: Alan Burroughs, Clerk of the Court, Arcturus Station B.

Re: Court-martial Lt. Christopoulos

Lieutenant

This is a verbatim transcription of the verdict in Lt. Christopoulos court-martial, to be added to her permanent file. Access for authorised personnel only. Judges were General Hogmanay-Rhodes, Colonel O'Lay Biscuitbarrel and Captain Blunt.

Yours,

Alan Burrroughs, Clerk of the Court.


Verdict in Lt. Christopoulos court-martial

There are five charges against Lieutenant Kidsopoolox. The court will go over them in order and pronounce sentence accordingly. Harumph.

1. Disobeying orders, to wit, engaging in unauthorised military activity in a restricted area.

Her commanding officer has stated the defendant has not received any orders about her leisure time pursuit. Whether her activities were authorised or not is therefore a moot point. The court finds the defendant not guilty of this charge.

2. Unauthorised possession of a non-standard weapon, to wit, a sword.

That the defendant was in possession of a sword has not been contested. Whether that possession was authorised or not, has not been addressed during this trial. However, the court has learned that edged weapons were only banned for military use on the Mariposa *after* this incident. So, at the time of the accident, they were not specifically prohibited. For both of these reasons, we find the defendant not guilty of this charge.

3. Unauthorised use of a non-standard weapon, to wit, a sword.

The aforementioned arguments also apply to this charge, to which the court therefore finds the defendant not guilty.

4. Conduct unbecoming an officer, in that the said Lt Christopoulos failed to report this activity to her commanding officer, Lt Cmdr Layla Mai, engaged in cross-service altercations with a Starfleet shuttle pilot, and neglected her other duties in favour of self-imposed 'training' sessions, to the detriment of the service.

This charge consists of three components. According to the testimony of her commanding officer, the defendant did not report her extracurricular activities. As they consisted of weapons training, she should have. Therefore we find her guilty to this part of the charge.

Several witnesses have testified that there *were* altercations between the defendant and Lieutenant Pantsoff. The court finds her guilty to this part of the charge.

Whether or not these "self-imposed training sessions" were detrimental to the performance of her duty, has been completely ignored during the proceedings. So, the court finds the defendant not guilty to this part of the charge.

5. Grievous bodily harm, to wit, the hospitalisation of Lt Santos as a result of unauthorised and unsupervised sword-play with improper safety measures.

According to his own testimony, Lieutenant Sandtoff was the instructor of the defendant. Therefore, safety measures were *his* responsibility, and not that of the defendant, his pupil. As to the unauthorised and unsupervised nature of these sessions, the court refers back to its arguments under charges 1 to 3. We find the defendant not guilty of this charge.

* Hogmanay-Rhodes clears his throat and takes a sip of water. *

Summarising, this court finds Lieutenant Christoncoolaid guilty of two charges of conduct unbecoming an officer, and issues a reprimand, to be included in her permanent record.

She is also to serve double shifts, the nature of which is at the discretion of her commanding officer or the Mariposa's Captain, until Lieutenant Glandscough has recovered, with a maximum of four weeks.

The court also wishes to point out that, in its opinion, most of the blame for this unfortunate incident lies with the failure of both officers' superiors to provide proper supervision.

There will be no appeal to this verdict.

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

This is my memo in fulfillment of Lt Christopoulos' sentence.

John Lightfoot (Maj.)

To: Lt Kyra Christopoulos
Re: Reassignment

Lt Christopoulos -

For the next four weeks, you are assigned to work for Sophie Larris. Report to her - she will give you a living space, and assign you work in fulfillment of your sentence with the court.

If the two of you have any questions, memo me.

Good luck, Lieutenant.

John Lightfoot, Galactic Rangers

*Memo*

To: All Aboard the CSS Mariposa
Re: Family Planning

By order of the Captain -

It is to be pointed out that pregnancy, parturition (giving birth), or the raising of children under the age of 16 years is forbidden aboard starships with warp-drive capability.

The reason is simple. Only astromorphic beings, who evolved in space by giving birth to adult forms, are able to reproduce safely in a hyperspatial environment. Hyperspace is a form of dimensional conversion.

This is the reason why space-born races (who reproduce in non-warp conditions on interplan vessels) so often mutate into new somatic forms.

Therefore, it is incumbent upon female personnel (and those of other species with other arrangements) to refrain from pregnancy aboard the Mariposa.

If you find yourself pregnant, in spite of proper precautions, you have two options - either an abortifacient, under medical supervision, or relcation to the nearest planetary system, with a fine for interrupting the starship's schedule.

If you are worried about your animals, consult Veterinary for a list of geomorphic creatures who can safely reproduce and raise young in space. Dogs and cats may do so, as well as most domesticated creatures from Old Earth. For exotic species, consult the exobiologists.

By order of

Richard Sharpe, Captain, CSS Mariposa

Respectfully submitted,

Rory Donahue

Lt Hadubrandsdauther -

Here are the references for the memos on Rigel V and Rigel VI, the two planets in the Rigel A system which we will be visiting shortly.

Please file.

Respectfully,

Rory Donahue

A8959260

A8940927

To: All Aboard the Mariposa
Re: Departure

The Mariposa has received orders to proceed to Tarazed IV, also called Reda by the locals. The Redans have requested an ambassadorial visit, and we will be making and picking up deliveries of goods. The planet is a level 3 civilisation. That means no motorised transport on the planet, no spaceport, and very few 'mod cons'.

What shopping there is will be of the local artifact variety. Hope you people are in the mood to acquire interesting handcrafts and textiles.

You all have two days to get your business concluded, and be ready to leave.

We will be leaving on Sixth Day, during Third Watch, and entering warp by Fourth Watch. Anticipated length of warp travel - one week.

Barring unforeseen occurrences, the Mariposa will reach Tarazed IV the following Sixth Day.

Any details that need to be worked out before we leave orbit should be worked out now.

Richard Sharpe, Captain, CSS Mariposa

To: All personnel aboard the Mariposa
Re: VR games -individual or console based

The playing of all such games aboard this vessel will stop until further notice. If security or officers see anyone indulging in these, the games will be confiscated and the players will be on report. If your own Reality doesn't suit---make it better yourselves.

Richard Sharpe, Captain CSS Mariposa

To: All Mariposa Personnel
Re: ETA Tarazed IV


The Tarazed IV arrival has now been postponed to next Fourth Day due to
hyperspatial conditions.

Richard Sharpe, Captain CSS Mariposa

*Sharpe in his ready room tries to concentrate on a memo to remind people of pet responsibilites, in order to discourage adding to the pet collection on ship.*



To: All Mariposa personnel who are pet guardians
Re: Pet care



1. If you are going down to the planet surface for any length of time, please make sure that someone will tend to your pet. Those of you who were already clever enough to time share a pet are in luck in that you already have an automatic pet sitter.


2. If you own a pet solely, stay on board and take care of it.


3. You can board your pets in the new H deck kennels. Mr Herriot is well equipped to take care of cats, dogs and ferrets.


4. Take your pet on a leash to the planet for a day trip. Be aware that this might not be appreciated by the inhabitants who are vegetarian. They won't have the same attitude concerning companion animals as you.
Also, it's warm down there so be sure to keep a portable water supply
with you to keep your pets hydrated. Also be aware that hotels there may not be equipped to handle pets. Don't insist on it.


5. Do not bring anything live back from the planet! Those pretty coloured birds are flock animals, they are part of a complicated network. One human would be not be any position to make up for dozens of avian personalities. Tiny monkeys are also part of a troop usually. Take photos. Subject no other living things to what you have made of this ship! I'm not Noah.


Richard Sharpe Captain CSS Mariposa

To: Dr Celva Tanna, H Deck
Re: Scientific Expeditions

Dr Tanna: -

Please note the following policy statement, and make your plans accordingly.

Richard Sharpe


Animal Collection Rules


Any animals must be collected with a scientific purpose in mind. Thus the following) are not valid:

- It is cute.
- It gets along with my other pets.
- It followed me home.

Any scientific investigation or project must be approved by a committee consisting of Lt. Commander Collins, Dr Popescu (to approve scientific nature), Lt von Koestler (to check out the energy requirements - to stay within H deck's energy budget).

The animal must NOT be a social animal.

The animal should be omnivorous - otherwise there will be no way to keep it healthy aboard ship. (Think of the problems of keeping pandas on Old Earth, for example).

The animal must not be larger than ONE cubic foot.

The animal must NOT be a juvenile, otherwise it CANNOT grow up due to the hyperspatial fields permeating the ship .

It CANNOT be an animal which requires a large territory.

The animal CANNOT be a predator. It CANNOT endanger other animals already on the Mariposa. If it does harm to another animal on board ship, YOU must personally space it.

There will be NO reproduction on the ship, as geomorphic animals cannot properly do this. Be sure that the animal does not 'need' to breed to be healthy. Not sure how you can make sure of this by watching them for a short time. All animals which are sexually mature MUST be neutered. This is a problem - because vivisection is NOT allowed. Invasive surgery is forbidden. If you do not know how to do this non-invasively it CANNOT be done. Whatever designer put it together forbids taking it apart WANTONLY.

Animals which meet these criteria may be collected, so long as H Deck does not exceed its allotted energy budget.

Richard Sharpe, CSS Mariposa, Commanding

DAY AND NIGHT ON REDA

Since the days on Reda are twice as long as Earth days, we need to avoid confusion about when it's day or night. So, Dmitri and I have come up with the following:

- Day and night both last 24 hours on Reda.
- Sunrise and sunset are at 6 AM European time. That means 5 AM for Lil, 6 PM for Kyra and midnight for the Gheorghenis.
- For European and American players, that means an *even* date is a Redan night, and an *odd* date is a Redan day. For Kyra it's (more or less) the opposite.

I hope that's clear to everyone, and I hope everyone can agree to it.

Your Majesty, Boss Kahuna, the most Excellent Ruler of Bangle-or,

I have heard that your charming daughter, Her Highness Rana of Bangle-or, has travelled to the Dulep Mountains with one of our service animals, Liam.

My astral engineer (a service animal named Jamison) and I will travel down to your planet later today so that we can go up there at first light to retrieve them. Could you grant us a room in the palace for the evening?

Because of the unique crystalline nature of the mountains, we need to do this personally. Usually we can use scanners to locate beings if need be.

I would like to reassure Your Majesty that Liam is a very experienced
service animal and he will make sure your daughter suffers no discomfort
or harm in his presence.

I want to apologise to you for the remiss behaviour of our Dr Popescu
in this matter. He will be dealt with as will Liam, when he is found in strict accordance with StarFleet procedures. I am sorry for the inconvenience that this unfortunate event has caused you and Her Majesty. This matter will be sorted out.

Respectfully,
Richard Sharpe, Captain - CSS Mariposa

REDAN TIMEKEEPING UPDATE

Now everyone is on daylight savings time and a new month has begun, there are a few changes in timekeeping for those players who have characters on the planet Reda.

Sunrise and sunset are now at:

1 AM for the Gheorghenis
6 AM for Lil
7 AM for the continental Europeans
5 PM for Kyra

For everyone but Kyra, an *even* date is now a Redan day, and an *odd* date is a Redan night. For our antipodean friend it's the opposite.

Once again, I hope that's clear.

Issued by Lt Deborah Samson, Perssonel Officer, CSS Mariposa
RATING EVALUATION SHEET FOR MARIPOSA CREWMEMBERS AND NCOS

Crewmember:_____________________________________

1. How would you rate this subordinate in the performance of his/her duty ?

• Poor
• Marginally acceptable
• Satisfactory
• Excellent

2. How do you think this person would perform in an unexpected circumstance?
• Poorly
• Satisfactorily
• Well

3. If there was an armed conflict going on would you trust this subordinate to guard your back?
• Never
• Perhaps
• Absolutely

4. If the subordinate is a non-commissioned officer, how do they treat their subordinates?
• Poorly, setting a bad example.
• Ignore them
• Mentor them
• Support them in being the best they can be

5. What relationship does this person have with the Gaels?
• Hostile
• None
• Neutral
• Gael-friendly

Comments:

*Captain Sharpe, in his ready room writes out the following standing orders"

To: All members of the CSS Mariposa crew and guests.
Re: Use of German or Romulan on ship's consoles.

While we are in orbit above Llanfair do not write any German or Romulan words on the consoles. This causes a Goth computer virus. Please use only English, Gaelic or Lanfairian in all written communiations, until we leave orbit. Report any infected consoles to Communications immediately.

Richard Sharpe, Captain CSS Mariposa

There is a request made for Captain Sharpe to please take in a medic from the research base on Delphini III by a frustrated superior officer (of said medic). It's not that the fellow doesn't seem good at what he does... a mental health physician, it would seem, but more that there are certain habits or parts to this person's manner that the aggrieved officer can no longer stand. The closing of the note goes on to describe how he will be very happy to have said medic off of his hands and will then maybe proceed to resign and change his name to Wingnut.

*Lt Hadubrandsdauther wanders around in a daze. She has been asleep for some time*

"Look at all thease memos that've just been sitting here"

*Sighs*

"I hope no one's noticed"

Memo:
To: Captain Sharpe of CSS Mariposa
From: Lt Cmdr Ackroyd of Space Station Pleiades IV
Re: An Earnest Request

I would like to make a request for you to please take in a medic from the research base on Delphini III. I am frustrated with him. It's not that this fellow doesn't seem good at what he does, but more that he has certain habits I find grating and I am not really looking forward to having to see him again. You can tell mental health physician Ace Lens that this is simply an assignment transfer. His term of time assigned on the research base has just about neared its end.

Apparently it would seem that with the project I had given him in completion I am in a loss for what to do with this medic. Please, I beg of you, can you take him in on the Mariposa?
Having Dr. Lens off my hands will allow me to finally resign and change my name to Wingnut and I can rethink my life a bit.

Sincerely,

Wingnut, former Starfleet Lt. Commander.

PS: Oh, I am losing it. I've held this job for far too long. There is a revision to be made in the information I had given you. He isn't working there. It's more that I have sent him there as a stall tactic.
The idea for this solution came to me after doing that. Please, you are my only hope really.

A message flickers and appears on a screen.

To: Captain Sharpe of the CSS Mariposa
From: Lt. Commander Ackroyd of Pleiades IV Space-station
Re: Request for a personell transfer

Dear Captain Sharpe,
I'd like to ask a favor of you. Of what nature you may wonder?
There is a psychologist working under me over here, one by the name of Dr. Ace Lens who recently obtained the rank of lieutenant. He is a brilliant young man and quite qualified in his particular field, so then it may seem strange what I am about to ask next. Never the matter,
...
Could you please take him in on the Mariposa? On completion of his assignment and nearing the end of his required term on it, he will be reporting back here. Therein lies the problem. I am at a loss for what to do with the dear doctor. As a result I am left at wits end.

You and your crew just may grow to like this gentleman yet. He's not terribly difficult, it's just some of his mannerisms I find to be grating.

I have stressed and fretted about this for a few nights now. It has gotten to the point where I've decided to resign from Starfleet and change my name. Shortly after this I am going to spend some time rethinking my life.

Sincerely yours,

*Sharpe reads a curious message on his console and shakes his head.*

What an odd request. This cannot be a standard procedure for transferring personnel. I know that I'll regret this, but let's live dangerously.

*Captain Sharpe gets Sgt Cooper to bring him some coffee. He reads the missive to Dr Swiftwater and gets some feedback. Grabbing his dictionary and with his tongue firmly in his cheek he attempts to reply to this message*

TO: Lt. Commander Ackroyd of Pleiades IV Space-station
RE: Request for a personel transfer

I pesonally do not believe in psychology as a science or religion. However, some crewmembers may get something from talking to a practitioner of same.

On this ship we are all experts on getting on each others nerves. It seems to be a very popular pastime, so your Lt Lens should feel quite at home. It would be kind of you to provide more details of the Lieutenant's project. Also, my Chief Medical Officer, Lt. Commander Swiftwater, would like more information on his training and credentials.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Richard Sharpe Captain CSS Mariposa