h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Lt Anya Hadubrandsdauhter has decided that the stress of working on board the ship as an officer has become a tad to much so has offered to run the ship's librery writeing reports and updates on what's going on aboard the ship*

At least i'll get some quiet work to do at my own pace!

And wont have to rush around all day after everyone! I wonder if i'm the only sane person on here! </>

Very probably, ma'am. Hold on tight now - we're being fired at by the Romulans. But don't worry - the triellium shielding will protect us.

When I have time, I will write you a report on triellium shielding. It will be of great scientific interest, I'm sure.

Respectfully,

Jamison Douglass

Jamison Dougless?, sheesh whats with the scarey formality all of A sudden?</>

AHHHHH Romulans!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE SCAREY AND HAVE LASERS AND AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Hold tight and lock your doors, ma'am.

If it will help, sing an encouraging Goth battlehymn.

Jamison

*muttering to herself*

It's ok It's ok BREATH.*Takes a deep breath and forces a smile* Im alright now, i'm so glad i moved to the Librery, it's safer here. (Yeh right!) This will make an intresting report.

Lt Hadubrandsdaughter -

Ma'am, the Romulans have gone away. You may breathe easy now.

Jamison

PS I'll send you over a bio on Oberweltraumfuehrerin Mathilde von Traum sometime. She's a piece of work, if you don't mind my saying so.

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

Just a few notes on the new weapons systems. A manual is being made up.

The new systems include a fully-functional phaser bank, which has both weapons and engineering uses. It possesses an 8-level energy spectrum, corresponding to the colours red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigio, violet, and octarine.

The photo torpedoes are also now online, as we have received supply from the CSS January - although they won't give us transporters, as they say we won't use them responsibly.

The triellium shielding is unique in galactic history - it has been sought after, but never built before.

When the triellium shielding is up, an opponent's fire is absorbed into the shielding of the ship, then redirected towards its source.

Therefore, the harder they fire at us, the more damage they sustain.

It's simple and elegant, and should eliminate damage to the ship from annoyed Romulans.

That's it for now. The Captain wishes me to convey his admiration for your coolness under fire yesterday, and to remind you that you are invited to the celebratory cocktail party later in the senior officers' mess.

Have a pleasant diurnal anomaly.

Respectfully,

Jamison Douglass

Stupid captin being sarcastic. Hate them all! </>

Ok Jamison thankyou for the report, that will come in usefull. I shall go speak to the captin myself

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

This is Lt David. I thought I'd drop you an eline, since they're all off celebrating on the planet, and I - as usual - am left answering the phone. Typical.

Jamison will probably answer you when he gets back. I'll bet that tom is AWOL, but it's not my business. I wouldn't tangle with him - did you see his face lately? And Lt Santos'? They got into a fight on the shuttle the other day - Santos had to phaser him into submission. And then caught h*** from the Captain for protecting himself - seems that jolt we felt on the ship was what happens when you phaser an astral engineer. So the Captain's all worried about his precious tom.

I have to work in the same office with them, and it's no picnic, believe you me. If they aren't plotting mischief, they're giving you *looks*. I wish this ship ran on nuclear energy, or something else sane, instead of symbiosis with a two-legged maniacal animal.

You're lucky to be in the Library. At least you don't have to put up with all this.

Lt David

*Voice message to Lt Hadubrandsdauhter*

Please ensure a message is logged warning personnel not to sleep in the Arboretum!

We seem to have an infestation of ants! Can you please find out if there is any way we can at least cull the colony, before they take over my favourite viewing area!


Lt. Cmdr. Layla Mai

*End of voice message*

*Voice message to Lt. Cmdr. Layla Mai*

Right awat Lt. Cmdr. I'll post one note in the librery and one note on the bridge. Might i sugest an exterminater?

* Posts a letter on the Librery noticeboard with the following message -

At the request of Lt. Cmdr. Layla Mai i have been asked to request that people stop sleeping in the Arboretum as we now have an infestation of of ants

Thank you,

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter*

*Memo*

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

According to the treaty with the Romulans signed on Carfax Beta, the ants are under Ameisenschutz - which means they are a protected species.

Captain Sharpe says that Lt Commander Mai can sleep in a bed like everyone else.

Respectfully,

Rory Donahue

*Mutters to herself*

Protected specie, fine ok.

Ants a protected species? This ship gets madder by the day </>

*Memor*

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

Here is further documentation on the ant law -

http://forestry.about.com/b/a/001246.htm

I hope it helps clear up the matter.

Respectfully,

Rory Donahue

*roles her eyes subtly*

Thank you Rory

i need to get off this ship, one day i will. Why did i come here, why! I came to save the universe not ants! </>

*Memo*

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter -

We're conducting a test of a crucial system during Third Watch.

If all goes well, there will be no problems for you to worry about, and I or Rory will write you a report tomorrow.

If all does not go well, I regret not having known you better. The crew will get you safely to the next port.

Respectfully,

Jamison Douglass

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ROMULENSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Lt Hadubrandsdauhter,

Please supply me with any scientific or medical texts about Gaeln that you have available.

Thank you very much in advance,

Dr. Edward Herriot

Surely, if you could narrow down what sort of thing you would find usefull then it would be much easier!