h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Good, I won't worry about Portofino just yet then, Capn'n. Gives me a bit of time too to let things die down there before I return.

Hi, Floh!

Maybe later we can go to Portugal and stock up on porto?

- and from there to Spain to stock up on fino?

...and while en route to Christmas Island (to stock up on crackers?) we pass all the Spice Islands .... so provided we avoid the Dutch East India company's ships, we could acquire some costly goodies ... just promise me one thing ... No Spice Girls! OK?

...Then can we pick up some of those great big chocolate eggie thingies from... from...

i can't say it

alec.

*Puts down baseball bat, relieved at not having to strike an electrician for such a re-volting joke*

Oh dear,
oh thats good,

hey kes...check post950 in the lighthouse bar...
"*pod taps his nose*"...
he must be one of us too... three

alec

Rightyho ... I need a drink ...

Cap'n Parsec sir!!

Just like to report that all systems are on-line and up and working sir! The splines on the main crankshaft were a bit knocked up and the cam followers needed some serious adjustment but we now have enough power for ... say...Belgium ('scuse my language ) Sir!
But i think the mini-bar is down to about 5% capacity ...sir!
*(hopes that this sounded convincing...if ever they find out i'm really just Dennis the Doughnut boy...i'm finished)*

alec.

...well, we must be on auto-pilot, no-one here in the last 5 days!
i just wanted to find out where we were,...geographically...position-wise...where the heck are we, and who is driving this thing ??

Look, just tell me which ocean we are floatin'in and i can probably work the rest out.

What is the next port of call and do they sell marmite there?

alec.

Mmmmmm.. Marmite...

Seeing that Christmas Island is an Australian territory, it will probably be Vegemite, rather than Marmite ... Christmas Island is indeed our intended destination and it's ..... *rummages around among the charts, unrolling several, finally finding the right one* ..it's this red blob here! ...*Jabs at chart with finger, then pauses* Oh, no ... *licks finger* ...sorry that's not it ...that's a baked bean I dropped on the chart a few days ago ... the island is ..... *jab* Here! Yes! Got it! Hang on a mo ....

*Draws line from present position to the island (instead of the bean)starts calculating* ...so if we change course to that line, and allow for the rotation of the fundamole being the other way round in the Southern Hemisphere ... plus the effects of the wind from the baked beans, and the tide ... er Helmsman! ...er ...er ...Left hand down a bit!

There! Back on course now .... If you don't like Vegemite, we are on the old Dutch Spice trade run ... we could stop off at any of the islands along the Java coast .... just ask the Cap'n!

*Slouches onto the Bridge and stands looking around for someone to report to. Gives up and just says to all and sundry...*

Report from the Crow's Nest: there is a big green ship swallowing Sea Serpent off to the west of us and closing fast

*enter alec, for it is he *
'no need to worry about no sea-serpent, green or otherwise,...that is what the big red button on the console is for...just wait until you see the whites of its eyes helmsman, then presss the big red button.

Some people down on the third deck might find that their hair-dryers or electric toothbrushes won't work for a few seconds, but that green varmint will soon be toast(ed)

...But wait,... oh no... *squints through telescope* looks like the thing is surrounded by Greenpeace volunteers in rubber boats...we'll have to make a run for it... the publicity could be devastating.

alec.

by the way ...vegemite doesn't even come close.

alec

Sea Serpent ... oh gosh! evasive action .... where's the driver's manual? ... erm .... apply anti-lock to sails .... no ... hard right rudder ... no - all astern except for those going forwards .. no ... I KNOW! ...Left hand down a bit!

*Pod staggers into cabin, goes left, then right, then back.. Grabs onto ship's compass to steady himself*

Steady on, old chap, I nearly spilled my
What's that out there? Is it a very large long thin green slimy moving island of some sort?

No - that's just the olive in your drink ....but if you look over the side of the ship, you can see a sea-serpent!

*takes from top pocket. Throws at sea serpent. bounces harmlessly off*

Hmmmm... Well, that didn't work..

*Throws unwell cephalopod at sea serpent*
There's that sick squid I owe you!