h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Perhaps you could describe those ships to us from your vantage point? ... if it's not interrupting the old tea-break ... Size, masts, number of cannon ... that sort of thing?

Smallish, 3 on a side, quick to turn... getting closer.

Helmsman! Bring her around! I want her running 180 degrees to the course of the nearest ship ... about 300 yards to leeward ...and with that ship between us and the second one. Pipe all hands on deck!...and left hand down a bit ....

Hold that course .... wait until the gunner has fired a broadside, then put the the helm hard over and bring us under her stern ... we'll take the wind out of her sails, then open fire again ..... steady as she goes until we fire .....

*arrives carrying Fosters to be loaded into the guns*

Well, what else did you think i had it for, certainly not drinking

Yes - it's eminently suitable for firing at the enemy! ... Load up the swivel guns ... After YP fires off his broadside, we'll turn & pass close by the other ship ... at which point you can bombard the decks with Fosters! Fire when you see the greys of their livers! Ahar! (and similar piratical expletives)

*Finds a can of Fosters rolling freely on the floor and not realising what it is, opens it and down it in one go*

Argh! Shiver me timers! Eye've bin poisoned!

They'll have you lot arrested under the Geneva Convention and lots of other international agreements about not using noxious substances during warfare...

*Passes Gwennie a bucket, and runs down to the gundeck to see what's happening ....*

Fanks Kes me ole mucker! Wot a nice old geezer 'e is!

*Sticks the bucket over her head and waits, sitting cross-legged on the floor for something to happen*

*Runs back onto Bridge .. taps bucket*
Wake up in there! First broadside fired .... we've carried away half their rigging, and put a few holes in 'em. Get ready to throw a few more cans at 'em!
Helmsman! Hard a' starboard ...
*As our ship turns close in behind the enemy, it moves upwind of them, and they lose the wind from their sails.*
Nice trick eh? Let 'em have it ....
*The turn continues, bringing us around the other side of them, and between them & the other ship*
Hope YP's managed to reload!

Ow! 'Oos bangin' me bucket lyke that? Stoppit!

*Continues sitting cross-legged, bucket over head and blissfully unaware of the commotion around her*

Oh! ..... Bucket!

*Peers out from under her bucket and looks briefly for flying moderators*

I said "bucket" not !

Bother! Moderated before I even posted it!

Just keep lobbing the Fosters at the other ship ....

T'would be cruelty beyond compare to carry out such a vicious act o' warfare!

Charge me with mutiny if you wish, but I refuse to carry out that order sir!

*Plants herself even more firmly on the floor and replaces the bucket over her head*

*has no such problem. Starts firing Fosters at will (Will, being the name of the opposing captain )*

* A satisfying thud is heard*

I think i sconed him on the head

*wonders if he should put Gwennie in irons, but figures she will only enjoy it *

*pokes heads around door
from below deck you would never realise all this;;
*points vaguely
Do you have them on the run? If Fosters won't do it nothing would, hay?

Coming around their stern now.... Hey look at that will you! They haven't even run out their guns on their port side. I'll check how our Cannoneer is going!
*Runs to the gun deck*

* ...and returns*
Whew! Slight time-warp problem between decks ... think it's all sorted now!
YP's done a great job of shooting up both ships.
I say, Helmsman ... d'you want to put the handbrake on, or whatever, and slow us down so we can see what's worth salvaging ....?

*Continues to sit with the bucket over her head, unaware that the battle seems to have ended but does start to wonder how much longer she can go without a drink. Before long she starts to fantasise about drinking and even considers whether anyone would notice if she snuck a can of Fosters under her bucket for a wee sip*