h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yes please, can you pick up this months edition of "Double Entendre" monthly - it comes with a free "Oooerrr Missus Kiss me quick hat"

Nice frock by the way - but I think you have it on backwards!

a meal for 2, by candlelight, just me and you and a violin playing softly in the background?

dress looks fab darling by the way

*Suddenly, the Tin Man that beamed in a few posts ago gets up from the slab from where the Doc was giving him what he wanted - a Smoking Jacket. With his hair slicked back, cigarette holder in place, he walks over to HN*

I say.........Ding Dong! I must say my dear, with those you will go far. *Puffs on his cigarette holder, blows smoke out*
I have my Bently parked out side with some chilled champers in it - would you care to join me in the back seat?

*Meanwhile, on the backup slab 2 in the corner, the scarecrow rises with what he always wanted.....a Cockney accent*

Awight, awight - leave it art! Knock it on the 'ed, be brief, be lucky......

*Suddenly spies Aye Be and her endowments*

Stroll on, luv! Dont get many of those to the pound do ya! 'Ere - I got a monkey here, fancy a bit a posh nosh wiv a bita rough darling?

*blushes slightly*


i dont know to what you are refering to tin man im sure.

clean it my dear!! you misunderstand me, that cupboard is really a cleverly designed time and space travel machine also known as....

"glides smoothly across the lab leaving the tin man, scarecrow and new improved Toto to carry out the Docs programming, not often he sees a lady , Flaky or not...."

Now then flower....

"Ducks as Aye Bee throws a cutlass at him for the not often he sees a lady remark"

your correct in your assumption, that cupboard holds the secret to life, and ultimtemate happiness, care to preruse the interior, we have had the pole freshly polished and everything?

"Winks gleefully"

Alternately let me introduce myself, the names Death, Dai the Death, erstwhile temporary assistant to the doc who can sort out fruit problems before you can say Robinsons Barley water and eat a large bar of

Come laydown on the slab and take the weight off thoise pins, very attractive pins they are to.

"LEads FL to number 3 slab"

Oh Doc, DOC, look what we got for Chistmas!

oooo... mister straw man,,, you do know my penchant for a noice english accent..... would be delighted... apparantly me dress is back to front....you dont mind do you??

yes but the trouble is.... this is a backless dress...which means......my breasts have been hanging out for all to see...arrggh

"Adopts Groucho Marx stance complete with cyber cigar"

Don't worry toots, in this polace you will belnd right in!

"s like the clappers to avoid a frantic Aye Bee who has been worringly quieet .....

you keep well away from me with that cigar i'm a decent girl [with my breasts hanging out] who do you think you are anyway president clinton?

Well, this must be the only thread currently housing three busty beauties, a Mad Doctor, an insane assistant, a Tinman who thinks he is Terry Thomas, A Scarecrow who is acting like a used car dealer, a caveman come manservant calleg Ug, a cowardly lion awaiting a diabolical upgrade, a cyborg dog called Toto AND Dorothy from the Wizzard From Oz.

And who said entertainment was dead folks!

(Mugs to camera and lurkers)

Entertainments not dead Doc, it just ain't been feeling very well, hence its visit to the LAb.. Boom Boom..

"Does pathetic hand extended bow to camera and lurkers, response not a susage"

OK Ok cut, cut... "Ambles of camera to see the director "

Russell darling Im a bit confused at this bit, I mean what's my motivation sweetie?

aha, aha, mmm, aha, "frantic head nodding" aha, Ok yes fine thnks hon I got it ok from the top of the page floks and with feeling... (ooerr missus)

Well Doc its Friday we got a shed load of SETA's extra strngth lager, 3 attractive well endowed ladies a cast of thousands at our beck and call oh and the good old Juke box, only one thing for it....


PARTY!!!!

Yes, my dear Dai. As they say in the colonies, "Get down with ones Bad self"

They also mention their "Mother" quite a lot as well unless I misheard.

*Breaks into a manic two step and frugs round the Lab in time to the crazy beat man.......*

*ambles back in linking with straw man ,swingin the keys to a new used beemer, giggling helplessly*

..........and then she said...surely darlin your dress should be the other way round.. ha ha ha ha....and that was the hillarious bit, cos i had changed it round to the right way after we....well you know.....went out to use the bathroom an all......then she says to me..cawww luv a duk...wots it like bein wiv a man o strawr an all. ...and i couldn't tell her the truth, would have taken too long to explain the doc and the lab and the ENHANCEMENTS an all....

Oh. hi all.. me and 'dave ' have had a lovely evening... word of advice tho ladies. dont go for the candle lit dinner with a straw man.. best go for complete darkness or some other sort of lighting arrangement...the term ooooo i'm stuffed, well it takes on a whole new set ot meanings after tonight..... for both of us...*giggles helplessly again and has to sit down*

new comer flakey lady has been strangely quiet.. now approaches dai the welsh pretender...

you don't recognise me yet do you shnocuums? of course i wasn't this magnificent surgically and bionically enhanced creature you see before you...she throws back her head and laughs...

oh no back then..i was dumpy, spotty and very bandy..remember your cruel nickname...barrel rider!!

at this point flakey reaches under her dress for the concealed dillinger pistol in her stocking top and aims it at dai.

remember that night at the steve hillage concert in the sophia gardens pavilion in cardiff.. you were a roadie i was young and stupid and i was facsinated with your leather trousers...and you stole my innocence backstage to the strains of hurdy gurdy man...you left me your phone number...but it was the number for the local weight watchers..how you must have laughed over that!!!

well now i'm going to make you pay, right here in front of all your friends,.. she now deliberately aims the gun on his crotch area, and sadly for dai hes not wearing his bullet proof cod piece, [as its at the cleaners being sterilised] like a woman possessed she sneers and tells him i'm going to hit you right where it hurts, beg your last mortal words you worm.............

Myfanwy? Good grief you look ... different and that little Derringer seems to have a smile on its barrel, I wonder why....

"Wipes perspiration from his brow, the labites stand rooted to the spot hardly daring to breath in case the Derringer has a hair trigger, or seeing as where its been sttored a p88ic hair trigger"

Now, now flower its all a misunderstanding look you, I meant to send your innocence back honest it just got mixed up with my stuff that night when I had to rush off to change the bulb in the number 3 spot light....

I was young those were me first pair of leather trousers, they effected me in ways I could not imagine, and the weight watchers number, that was a complete accident I swear I had that number for a friend and gave it to you in stead...

Now why not put the gun down and we can go see if we can find your innocence, I think I saw it last year under the back seat of the hearse when I was giving it a good clean out, it looked in good nick you know although whether you want it back with the new impproved and surgically enhanced you is the quesion...

So what you say?...

"Starts humming Hurdy Gurdy man under his breathe "

pathetic as you always were...and this gun is smiling, it has a bullet with your name on it for the last 25 years.. you don't realise the damage you did back then... i haven't been able to listen to steve hillage since that fateful night..

every one collectively gasps and looks at dai the pretender with horror.

and worse than even that...that brief encounter and i mean brief.. [she nods knowingly to the other women present]left me IMPREGNATED..
how i struggled we survived on only baked potatoes and welsh rarebit [cheese on toast with sliced tomato on top] we were so poor that i only wore knickers left over from tom jones concerts...flakey sobbing now but with pure hatred in her eyes...

but my son he always had a passion.. he wanted to act... he was determined to be a great film star... i was so proud of his first acting job...he appeared as the bulge in tom jones' leather trousers..

but i promised him we would succeed and now begins payback time for you.. but before you die in terrible agonies, i'll tell you about your son....because he had no fathers guidance, he became unruly.. a terrible womaniser, a drunken fool, a foul mouthed lout, sound like anyone you know?? but he did become famous hes none other than COLIN FARRELL.. how'd ya like them apples now dai bach???

and by the way my names not myfanwy that was my sister you louse.. MY name is catherine ditzy jones...

my innocence NOW while you are kneeling there before me.....

"Fumbles frantically in the storage compartment of the Long Johns of Power, Fl's innocence is definately not there, however was it ever dear reader that is the question? "

A child? Good grief I never knew I had it in me, well when I say in me I don't mean exactly in me but .. well ya know ...

"Looks even more confused than normal"

However, now seems like the time for confessions flower, and I think you need to be aware of something, I'm not the old Dai you met in Cardiff, I've changed and I don't just mean my underwear, no much more than that, I am "The One"...

Dressed in my Matrix style balck leather trench coat and long johns you see me as just Dai, but Im far more than that, thanks to a cunning plot twist in this very lab I became "The One", your bullets ccannot hurt me, I am invunerable to such thing s and can leap in the air and do very strange things with my legs.

So lets put the gun away and discuss the future not the passt, you know I always had a soft spot for you, and I dont mean the bog at the bottom of Aye Bee's garden.

"A curious silence fills the lab, time stands still until Aye Bee tip toes over and whispers in Dai's ear"

Dai, this may not be a good time , but could you get Young Colins phone number for me hon

*grinning in that way which she thinks is totally winsome and endearing, (but in fact is just toothsome and more 'n' a little frightening) she sidles over to FL and pretends to idly pick bits of fluff off her clothing in a 'im your best friend, so i get to do this without insulting you' kind of way*

Colin Farrell eh?..... he was a neighbour of my brother's you know.. i'm sure he'll remember me if you just ehhh. mention my name, and the ehhhh fact i might pop round for a cup of tea.... i hve had some 'work' done here in the lab though so my mammory..i mean my memory aint what it used to be...perhaps you could just run his address and phone number, fax number, email address past me again?? *takes out large black marker to write it up her arm*

lets not get stroppy about stuff that went on before eh girlie?
if you just stick round long enough to get to know dai you'll see that he's just a feckin eejit and you'll actually get to quite like him after a while...

anyway. tell me more about your wonderful wonderful son, cate....you dont mind if i call you cate do ya? shall i make a nice pot of tea?

*FL so shocked at this complete ignoration (great word that) of her terrifying last stand, that her mouth hangs open and she doesn't even notice the doc sneaking up and taking the gun right out of her hand, and suddenly finds herself sitting and having a nice cup of tea...some famous chocolate biscuit cake and is reading the list of available pizzas to be nailed on (crucial to become labite).... dai is mopping brow with pink silk hanky and is being comforted by Hnicky in what can only be described as a headband and a set of thimbles...