h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*before getting dragged off a look of happiness, shock, terror and confusion cross simultaniously across the monks face*



*giggle*

*Irish blondie, overcome by emotion, faints in Lab-doc's manly arms.. he shakes her awake, perhaps a little roughly, but she fails to notice*

oh.. oh.. thankyou for that rescue. that was soooper..
i ..well , i don't want to bother you.. you have a note on your door bout fruit .ehhhhmmm (whispers) problems .. and well. i, well. eh. i have a bit of trouble. i had an unusual dessert in brachmannenoufhs eatery on tuesday, no no, wednesday afternoon. and well...there were bananas and redcurrants in it......
and.. well. eh. em...
*looks left and right, thinking they are having a private conversation, failing completely to notice 100 pairs of eyes taking in every word, in that morbid, 'other people's ailements' way, like watching ER she suddenly steps back, and, grabbing her blouse, flings it open... *

THIS happened.. what am i to do

*Lab-doc's eyes fly open in shock and surprise..*

my good grifflefargles, i bet that bit of bananaration and redcurrantiantionism hurt a bit...

*eyes are transfixed.... on the cupboard which is moving quite violently now...*

gosh!

SQUEEEEEEAAAAAALLLLLLLL

I never knew you could do that with a cumquat </>

*giggle*

*I.B., realising that they were all fruit freaks, and that no help would probably be available, buttons up blouse, sobbing, and makes to leave.*

No No my dear - never seen Peach Melba's like those! Do stay around - I am sure I can help!

*Finds a telephone box - steps inside, spins round and reveals The Mad Lab Doc back in his bloodstained lab coat*

Yes, my dear - I can certainly fix (ahem) "Those"...........come over to the slab....

*turns and eyes slab, eyes doc, eyes slab again, reluctantly takes his hand and walks over*..

what's that? * points to machine with large magnified lens and multiple electrodes which appears to watch her as she moves across the room, suddenly emitting a hi pitched sirenous noise and clicking into position above the slab, which incidentally is covered in still slightly tacky blood and some bright yellow substance*

*shrinking back against the doc, who gently ushers her on, everyone suddenly turns in surprise at the loud crack that comes from the general direction of the cupboard*

*the door to the closet gives way and masamune falls out half clothed and looking very embarrassed*

That machine my dear? Why it simply cures all your Fruit based afflictions and while doing so, massages your Peach Melba's gently until they are just a memory.

It can also rivet AnchovyPizzas to your head, give you a mechanical arm, change your sex, turn you into Marilyn Monroe, shorten one leg to halp you dance in circles round your handbag, increase your alcohol tolerance, graft on the most stupendous ZZZZZZZ cup Lady Bumps or turn you into another member of Petra (formally Peter) Stringfellows crack armoured division synchronised Lap Dancer troupe.
Or we can also give you quick cut and blow dry if you prefer......

Muuuhhhuuuuuuwwwaahhaaaaa!

well.............
hmmmm


ok. i'll have a marlyin monroe with a double zed pleeez.. *suddenly getting animated at the thought, and forgetting the mess on the table, nuzzles up to the doc, in a 'oh you're dreamy' kinda way*

not sure bout the peter(petra) thing, but wouldn't mind being a lapdancer doctor, no no. not a lapdancer doctor, a lapdancer, doctor *flutters eyelashes, still talking in that annoying hi squeaky voice*

.. just for your amusement of course.. how would i ever repay you?

i'm sure you get a lot of this kind attention, despite the blood spattered coat and the mad look about you.. *really he looks like he's not that good with the machine, but he is very persuasive, in a hammy american soap kinda way*

meanwhile..............

Well well my dear!
ZZ's they are!
*Fiddles with the Cup size control*
And the Marilyn Monroe as well?
*Types in "Blondie Boo Boo Be Do Superbabe"
Oh yes, Lapdancer as well, right? Plenty of Bling too, Hmmm?
*Dials up a 32ZZ 24 34 figure with impossible 6 inch Jimmy Choo's*
Right, where was I? Oh yes. Extras. Ohh, forgot the Bling........
*Turns "Bling" control to Maximum*
There you go..........right, this will not hurt........
SLAP!
*The Doc whacks Irish Blondie with the anaesthetic kipper and ties her to the slab*
NURSE JUST ARRIVED!
We have a customer!
SIR EVIL TWISTED ASSISTANT!
Could you send out for a new Codpiece and chips SuperHero utility belt please? This one is chaffing something rotten under this Lab Coat. Thankyou!
CRIMSON SKINHEAD!
Can you hold this please? Ta!
*Turns the machine on*

WHIR WHIR WHIR WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrr
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZINGooooooooooooo

Chugga Chugga Chugga

KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBBOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmm!

AHA!
*Slaps Irish Blondie with the rousing Flounder and gives her a mirror*
THERE! All your fruit issues have been dealt with and may I say, what a Stunna!
Hammer Hammer Hammer NAIL NAIL NAIL
Chugga Chugga

*Turns the machine off*
Annoying that - you post and forget to turn the machine off!
SIR EVIL TWISTED ASSITANT!

Codpiece and Chips Utility belt arrived yet?

*"IB double zed" sits up, blinks a couple of times (as we blonds only know how to) and looks confused (ditto on previous bracketed comment)*

well hello boys!!!

*tries to hug labdoc as a means of showing gratitude in some small way, but can't get arms in past the might of the double zedz..(think equivelant of having 2 space hoppers strapped to front..... in fact....)*.


heyyyyy wait a minute.. what's with all this cellotape, and why do my bazzoobas have faces on them... and handles!!!
and, ok, i don't mean to sound ungrateful, but i smell of kippers and ...well. ..yeah, i do look and sound startlingly like marlyn..which can't be bad. and thanks for the jimmy's....
but come on guys.....
guys?
why's it gone all dark..
doctor, you said we were gonna do stuff together..
where's everyone gone?
something's not right.
*can hear the monk giggling again somewhere in a corner... and a whirring noise has started up by the broken window..*

*Appears from below the Slab with steaming mug of Mocha Chocolotta Almond Whirl with a lemon twist*

Sorry IB - I keep the machine down there and the whirring coughing splutting sound is me pretending to have a proper Coffee machine ....ummmmm anyhoo, problems, dearest latest creation?

Ohh, the ZZ's - yes, did see the faces and the handles on them - that was Twisted Assistants sense of humour. Said it would give your "Friends" somrthing to hang onto during those (ahem) "Initimate" moments?

doctor, you're too kind... i suppose i can get used to those handles.. ....

be honest with me now..
you sure i don't look more like barbara windsor?

No, No No!

You

Are

GORGEOUS!

As are all my creations!

just fishin

can you turn on that music? i want to see if i can do some lapdancin in these shoes and stay upright... gonna be a bit of a balancing act me thinks..

think i may regret gettin em this big..
still..
have you got a history on your other creations then doc?
do you have a reunion ball every year? i bet that would be some show..

*glance up idly and happen to see Nurse Just Arrived and Sir Evil Twisted Assistant linking arms just beside the cupboard, as they catch her eye, they look guilty and stop talking and Assistant quickly puts something behind his back
at that very moment there's a crack of lightining ..inside the lab...*

doctor? can you hear a clicking noise? i have a funny feeling my fruit based problems have not entirely vanished

8Glides over to the Juke Box and selects A69 - "Je 'Taime - puts copin in and "Funky Gibbon" by the Goodies comes on instead*

Dammit!

Still IB - If you can bump and grind to that and stay verticle on the 6" heels then I think you will have got the hang of it, baby!
Dont regret getting them that big either - just think how many footballers you can now do kiss and tell on - they will make you MILLIONS!

An anniversary ball, eh? A Splendid idea, but I have a feeling that the amount of silicon we have implanted this year would form a critical mass and we do not want to be in the area when that lot blows, do we?

I am positive that I have cured all your fruit based and derivative fears have been cured - but I can do a simple test.

*Fumbles in his pocket and whips out a big bananna - and waves it about in front of IB while erotically taking the skin off*

How do you feel now?

funky gibbon is one of my favorites baby.. look at me go..do they not play that in pete's place? mind you i have to lean back quite far to stay upright, not sure if it's entirely decent


ooooooooo. i feel a bit tingly now that you're doing that with the banana..stepping away a bit...if i stand over here i can't see you over my bazzoobahs. but i can sense you doing it and it's producing the same effect.. what should i do? it's kind of nice tho.

*with that, Nursie runs over, grabs banana and eats it all in one go...IB is not sure if she's saving her from the labdoc's further experiments or in fact jealous there is a possible 'liason' lurking in the not to distant future between him and his patient if she does not intervene. at any rate the banana is gone and the buzzing feeling has subsided*

oh.. thanks nurse,...i think

*IB moves to get coat, thinking she may have unwittingly stepped over some boundary*