h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I can take it Doc, give it to me straight.

"Smokes cigerette while wondering if he should heve undone the flap in his long johns before bending over"

Allright then, straight up it is.
Firstly I can explain the Prune Fetish. It is an uncontrollable urge due to you being pregnant. I expect the Pickled Onions and Chocolate Chip ice cream urges to kick in anytime ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh...........now.

Congratulations M'boy! Ahhhhhhh, the first Mad Lab baby.........

This is so sudden, so many questions, when am I due Doc? Will I still be able to drive the hearse? Do Mothercare do a line in frock coats for the expectent mortician? Have you any Pickled Onions and Chocolate Chip ice cream?

"Slides to the floor in a dead faint"

*Throws bucket of water, pickled oinions and Hagan Daz Belguim Chocolate double choc chip icecream over Dai to wake him up*

Hmmmmmmmm, Due date - could be anytime soon I suppose!
Who has been a naughty Mortician - no protection eh? You Tart!

"Wakes up feeling wet and damp, Wet and Damp object loudly to being felt so proceeds to crawl into corner of lab and feed his urge for pickled oinions and Hagan Daz Belguim Chocolate double choc chip ice cream while mumbling bitter curse about getting drunk at the Morticians Ball"

Ermmmm, I have warmed up the stirrups when you need to push, Dai

*blinks*

Ahh, Mizz Pinky. Still looking good in your Marilyn body I see? Be a dear and get some water boiled and some towels. Dai is going to be a mother...............aaaahhhhhhh

*puts a big pot of water on the stove to boil and brings the Dr some warm towels, stepping over the air vent so that her skirt blows up on the way back*

*goes over to Dai*

Hello sugar

"Feels a stirring in the loins as Mizzpinky steps over the air vent"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Doc, I think its started, be careful of the long johns I only put them on last Michaelmus!!!!!!!!!!

"rolls on floor in agony while trying to catch a glimpse up Mizzpinky's skirt"

"thrashes on floor, then notices Luthiena"

Hallloooooooo!!!!

*Sweetpea waves coyly*

MizzPinky?

Would you mind getting Dai up in the stirrups while I warm up my chainsaw?

Only Kidding!

Get the Vax out instead - lets suck this ........ermmmmmm........thing out. got any names in mind Dai?

"Tries to look seductive while propping himself on one elbow while wearing red flannalette Hagen Das Double chocolate chip Belgian Ice Cream and pickled onion stained long johns barely covering his extended belly"

Ever thought of holding a morticians ball my lovely?

"Doubles over in agony as he is hit by another contaction and the sole of Sweetpeas dainty size 5"

"Screams loudly at the site of the Mad Doctors chain saw with Vax attachement"

Nooooooooooooo!

*Sweetpea unleashes the lady bumps of doom*

Dai, we have epidural, Gas and air, blunt instrument, vodka, Diamond white, iffy cigarettes from Amsterdam, beer, Lager, Red Wine, White Wine, anasthetic kipper, my socks, a custard pie or a comedy 25 ton weight for pain relief.

Which would you prefer, son?

*Fires up the atomic powered Vax/Dyson hybrid and watches as the patented "Suckometer" goes to "Black Hole" setting*

This m'boy is the only thing on the Planet with more suck than Sweetpeas Cleavage Of Chaos...........we will have it out in no time

"Climbs shakely onto slab and places feet in stirups before opening comfort flap on long johns"

I'll go for the Gas and air,vodka, Diamond white, iffy cigarettes from Amsterdam, beer, Lager, Red Wine, White Wine, anasthetic kipper, your socks, a custard pie and a comedy 25 ton weight for pain relief Doc, oh and while your down there could you take a bit off the sides and taper the edges?