h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Enliven?
Enlighten!
(Profound, yeah? Oh well, never mind...)
I've been a closet sympathiser for ages, secretly envying the Conversations.
I've decided to Come Out! I'm convinced you're Absolutely Right on all counts! Can I join?
If acceptable, I would rather like to be known as the Dark-Eyed Nemesis of Very Nearly All Things Piscine. (I qualified it because I can't do those silly keys on sardine tins, but I assure you that I'm otherwise very efficient).
?
P.

!

Oh yeah we're definately profound.

that sounds like a title to me!

Pinniped - The Dark-Eyed Nemesis of Very Nearly All Things Piscine. Hereby proclaim'ed!

*bangs gabble*

As one who has envyed the conversations of clan thing (It's to be expected, of course, For not only do we have an underground beach with virtual Tru Blu sky technology but also an Infinite Dispenser. You can't beat that in my opinion. )
Anyway, you should then be familiar with the drill but in any case - Get thee hither to yonder Uniforms and Armouries Thread - where you can collect the sub-aqua fashion itmes of your choice but also receive you Regulation Titanium Spork!! (It's halfway between a spoon and a fork - god help me, I love saying that!)
F64546?thread=107190&latest=1

The No, No, No!! thread is a our base camp if you will. Watch out for the backlog - it's a doozy.
F63252?thread=100492&latest=1

Oh and that beach I mentioned:
F63252?thread=107986&latest=1

Greetings Esteemed Warlord...

Is this a Spork? Only the Speak-Your-Weight-Machine, who claims to know about these things, says it's actually the rotor arm off a Triumph Herald c. 1967, and points out that it wouldn't have gone all brown when left in this bucket of water if it had have been titanium.

I am SO confused. I went to the armoury thread, just as directed, only the folks there seemed kind of all spaced out and of the the two-words-and-six-smilies tendency, so I rooted around and found my own Spork, only it isn't, is it?

I really need a Penguin Calendar, owing to a mission to convert the penguins, who are absolutely prime Thingite recruitment material on account of the fact that there are about 70 million of them, and you only have to persuade one and the rest will probably follow like sheep, only oilier. Trouble is, they are not quite as smart as sheep and don't do days of the week, so persuading them to call these something else is kind of difficult. My efforts to locate a penguin who knows any of the days of the week are proving time-consuming and so far unfruitful, but I've only done the first thirty thousand so far, and so I'm still feeling pretty optimistic. Notwithstandingthat, I've realised that if equipped with a Penguin Calendar I could massively boost my productivity, by holding it up in front of a whole colony and shouting "Anyone know what this is?" or similar. Can you help locate such an artifice?

Incidentally, congratulations on your fantastic achievement of warlording-it discreetly in Chesterfield. I keep looking out, but have still not caught so much as a glimpse of any marauding cohorts. I'm pretty sure that they're not at the north end, up around Tescos, but then they wouldn't be, would they?

Oh dear, must dash. The Weddell wants her cocoa.

Further progress reports soon.
*genuflects*
P.

My base camp of operations from whence I shall come to rule the world.

Apologies about the state of the armouries thread. () I have no been around much on-line as of late And I am aware that our cheif master -at-arms the gook is on his own semi-permenant walk about, which is sad - so I suspect that the trops need rallying. I shall see to that one myself. Have no fear.

Meanwhile oweing to a fantastic coinidence (aren't they always?)
The armoury straddles a rift in space time which through strategic manipulation of the heisenburg uncertainty principle and some rather nifty quantum mechanics - all wired in to a hot cup of fresh tea. It becomes possible by means of consciously directing photons to arrive at prefigured destinations along a curve of infinite distance that within the probability matrix of complex wave form patterns involved in quantum probability will dissolve into the very object you need simply by thinking about it.

At least that is what was written on the note that was pinned to the cupboard in which I discovered a box which contained the following:



1 X Regulation Titanium Spork
1 X Special Commission Penguin Calendar

Enjoy.

::brain catches up with fingers:;

So, *where* are you then?

I am so-o risking it, not attending to you-know-who's cocoa needs, but I'll do it for The Cause...

Where am I? According to the afore-mentioned Heisenberg, with fingers this fast I could be anywhere from the Ross Island Dependency to a point a snowball's throw north of Dronfield.

oooh. - I used to get driven to dronfield to go to play on the slides and swings at this big park there, when I was a yung, un.

Down to J. Jameson's bike shop opposite the little chef on the big roundabout. first left out towards Sheffield, if memory serves.

Hope person didn't mind missing the for that.

...Sorry, dear, it was just a Warlord thinking you're a person.
I was just putting him straight, that you're a Weddell, etc.
*ouch*

P.

*barely audible shouting above howling of wind*

Greetings from Antarctica, where it's 80 below, my calendar fell down a crevasse and this guy claiming to be Emperor just keeps saying no it isn't, it's "huddletogetherandstareouttoseaday"


*clarity returns*

...Aah, that's better. Y'know, I think I'm trying to run before I can walk. I think I'll just go and ease myself quietly in to a nice, normal Conversation...


Oh well, I suppose it's back to Mr Legion again, then...


P.

don't tell me he lives in Dronfield too!?!?

OhMyGawd, he doesn't does he?!?

Does he?

Message to All Researchers

Please do eveything you can to deny the current rumours that Mr Legion lives in the Dronfield area.

SYWM, on behalf of the
Emergency Committee for Action on Collapsing Property Prices in North-East Derbyshire.

Don't you kids have anything better to talk about than li'l old me?

As it happens, I don't even know where or what a Dronfield is. It sounds like a sort of cigarette.

Mr Legion - In Dronfield Country.

So to clear up this mystery are you going to volunteer any information wherabouts on the globe you reside - or do we have to tease it out of you?

...It's official, people.

Mr Legion doesn't know where/what/who Dronfield is...

...You can come out now...

::peeks out from behind the couch::

Good morning, Madam. Pleased to make your acquaintance

Have you by any chance considered the advantages of owning property in Dronfield?
We have a number of recently-abandoned houses at competitive prices. By my reckoning, it would take you less than sixteen hours daily getting to and from work...

P.

Rest easy, gentle Thingites. I think I live on a different island than everyone present Clue: I may drink Guinness, dance around mossy standing stones and talk to leprechauns. Keep guessing!

Pinniped, do you think there could be money in this Dronfield thing? You start rumours that I live somewhere, the natives will flee, we can pick up the cheap property and turn it into strip mines.