h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*suddenly, as if from nowhere , a fleet of armoured post vans with letter bomb hurlers and stamp guns can be seen on the horizon in an arrowhead formation lead by none other than a small square-ish postal van with royal mail on the side. It is none other than...


(dramatic interlude)


Postman Pat himself!*

bring it on you pathetic postman haters! Lets see if you are a match for Jess my ninja spy cat and his army of rabid mice! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahaha…

*Aforesaid ninja spy cat leaps the hundreds of feet into the room with the giant vat of porridge and slices the postman into small meaty chunks, using his razor sharp claws, which are caught in an empty Whiskas tin and thrown down to the waiting hands of Pat.*

Hahaha, that'll stop him giving anything away. In case you didn’t know already, I have control of the Whiskas factory and when cats eat these postman flavoured tins they will turn them all into ninja spy cats just like Jess, willing to lay their 9 lives down for the good of the postal service. Even the postman hating dogs will be no match for them. Stop me if you can, MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

*wings sprout from Pat’s van as he flies off to oversee the production of thousands of tins of postman flavoured Whiskas tins to turn all cats into ninja spy cats like Jess. The armoured postal vans align for battle, led by Jess the cat. Dramatic and apocalyptic music ensues...*

*Answers a knock at the door*

HOORAY my Airfix TIE figher has arrived!

Oh for goodness sake, I asked for PLAID! Thats the second time this month, take it away!

I see.

*Blinks*

*Doris (You know the one - Irrational hatred of all things postal, wears an evil slashed to the thigh evil Emperors outfit, has blown up most of Southern englands postal facilities) looks around at the shredded postman hostage and wonders briefly how a cat could leap into orbit, board the Airfix Death Star, shred her prisoner AND still escape without so much as a single splash of porridge to its fur*

No matter!
*Doris proceeds to vamp round the room in a a most evilly Emperor way, flicking cigarette ash from her cigarette holder over the shredded ex postman*

I think I need to call my old friend, the Doctor!

RING RING

RING RING

Hello what yes? Doris! Baby! You want me to what? Stitch a shredded postman back together, plant a bomb in his backside and send him off after Postman Pat so you can blow him up once and for all? Before Lunch?

Course I can! Drop the rope ladder, I'll get my tools and I'll be straight there!

*Rope Ladder drops*

CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB .........What the? Bloody Little Chef halfway up the ladder? *Goes in to use the toilet and carries on*
CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB (Puff Pant) CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB.........KNOCK KNOCK

Come in?

*Opens door, climbs in*

Doris, Baby! *1 huge snog and quick foxtrot round the Deathstar later*

Right! I have stitched up 'ol postie there, installed a quartz phased plasma quantum torpedo up his bum and given him the brain of a McDonalds server that I had lying around spare. He has a map to Postman Pats top secret headquarters and apart from his Zombie shuffling, green dead skin, rancid breath and a penchant for mumbling "Do you want fries with that" I dont think Pat will have a clue about his impending fate.

Doris - Darling! Your evile plan to destroy the UK postal services is almost complete!
*Much Manic gleam of the eye and pantomime moustache twirling evilly later.........meanwhile as the Doc and Doris do foul acts of depravity to each other on a pantomime horse, the Zombie McDonalds postman with a quartz phased plasma quantum torpedo up his bum climbs down the ladder and shuffles off Zombie stylee to find Pat and deliver his message*

SHUFFLE SHUFFLE SHUFFLE Do you want fries with that SHUFFLE SHUFFLE SHUFFLE Do you want fries with that SHUFFLE SHUFFLE SHUFFLE........

*Blinks*

Doris dear, what have you got against Post men?

*Doris glares in an Evil Emperory sort of way out the window when she hears Horatio. Picking up a megaphone, she replies*

THEY DELIVER JUNK MAIL, NEVER DELIVER PARCELS WHILE YOU ARE IN, WEAR DOPEY SHORTS IN THE SUMMER AND LEAVE RUBBER BANDS ALL OVER YOUR FRONT PATH........AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Ssshhhhhhhwwwwoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooppppppppp

KERBLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOO

Take that, Kensal Green sorting office!

So no real reason then?

i have formulated an opinion on what i think is a very important thing to have an opinion on:...
...
...i do not like doris or the doctor
...
...
...
i don't know why i just don't

andit's the ones on the left ya gotta worry about...

*pops down to one of the few surviving post offices and gets them to send a package to the Airfix Death Star containing (though the posties do not know it) five thousand anti-postman guns. the parcel is so big it takes 428 postmen to carry it*

*phone rings*

ah the phone, i shall pick it up athankyoo

helloyesright
*puts phone down*

wrong number...

*volunteers to infiltrate the ranks of the postal service to learn their secrets*

*bungs a hat on magajamesblond* Keep away from Doris while you're wearing that hat.

Why? Is it her hat?

No, it's a postman's hat. Remember that Doris is in an Emperor costume, and the Emperor wore a hood.

Now dont go bringing Thunderbirds into this as well........!

MEANWHILE IN A BACK STREET IN SURBITON..........

Shuffle Shuffle Shuffle Shuffle Do you want fries with that Shuffle Shuffle Shuffle Shuffle Do you want fries with that Shuffle Shuffle Shuffle Shuffle Do you want fries with that ...........

*The Zombie Postman with a brain of a McDonalds server, map upside down and a torpedo bomb up his bum shuffles relentlesly (well, as relentlesly as a Zombie can) onward towards Postman Pats high Command....*

*BBC Announcer Voiceover*

We would like to point out that the "Doctor" character will be played today by his understudy, Ming The Merciless - the evil galactic insane Emporor of the planet Mongo. He will be played in full Supermarionation, 5.1 THX surround sound and with full orchestral support tights.

I thank you. The Boardroom will now restart...........

*Ming the Merciless clears his throat, and reads from the script in a Shakespearean Doctor voice*

Hwhy, tis Horatio, fair maiden we know know as Medium, quite rare. Ohhhhh sensible one, what ails thee?

You seem perplexed by your use of the frowny face thingy?

*Applause from the audience, roses land on the stage. Ming takes a bow, a broad grin on his chops*