h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As far as I got we were in a Zeppelin.

Back to this.

Ninja postmen? Ye gads! And I think I see.... it's a bird... it's a plane... it's SUPER-no, it's a plane. Not just any plane - it's an Airmail Bomber!

Ye Gads!
*readies automatic spud gun*

you may fire when ready.

Postal ninja posse clamber aboard their Taiysho Plastics Airmail Bomber 5000! Ther pre-flight checks keep them occupied for as long as it takes to realise that all the instruments are in English and they are off.

*puts up a temporary sign then collapses as he is struck by a mailbag bomb*

*Meanwhile, back in orbit aboard the Airfix lifesize Death Star supported by 3 million helium balloons, the Evil Doris in her evil slashed to the thigh Evil Emperor outfit swishes her cape as she sets the meccano controls to follow the morning postal delivery truck from Aylesbury to Milton Keynes*

Swwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwooooooooooooooppppppppppppppppp

KEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRBBBBBLLLLLAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*Milton Keynes vanishes in a trice along with the unfortunate postman in his truck*

"Now..........my nemisis...........Postman Pat.......where are you?"

She mutters while swishing the evil cape evilly......

*BBC ANNOUNCER VOICEOVER*

Can Postman Pat survive? And what about his black and white Ninja spy cat? Stay tuned to this channel folks! All will be revealed!

*asks a postman to send over some more Airfix models to the Death Star. The postman knocks. "Hello? Who ordered the life-size TIE fighter and working pilot Airfix models?" he says.*

*Doris looks through the window at the Postman delivering the life-size TIE fighter and working pilot Airfix models*

Ermmmm - can you put them through the letter box please?

CLUNK

Thankyou! Oh......by the way........could you help me with this please?

*The postman sticks his head round the corner and is dragged bodily into the Airfix Death Star Interrogation room where he is nailed upside down over a vat of boiling porridge*

Now my little Postman.........tell me........where is Pat in his postmans hat? Where is his fat Black and White cat sat on the mat? Have they had a spat? Has his post van got a flat? When I find him, I will hit him with this bat till his head goes splat! It is ok, you can rat on Pat and his cat.....................

Ungh

*Takes a bow*

I thang you!

What? What? Is thang a misspelled item of underwear?

*Coughs*

I really need to get that cough checked out...

Make way! I am a Doctor...........Hmmmmmmmm.....yesssssss

*Looks at Horatios cough from all angles*

Yes, indeed. I am pleased to say that I have checked this cough out from all sides and I am fairly convinced that it is indeed - a cough.

OK everybody, nothing to see here, move along, get back to doing your own "Thang" or whatever.....nothing to see, move along.......

Is there anything i can do to get rid of the cough?

Put it in an envelope and post it - no - cant do that, Doris has nuked all postal facilities south of Birmingham.

Tell you what - send it on al all expenses paid trip to the Balearics......

Geat idea!

you had better cough up for full board as well.........

Okay..? Lol

After all, it is a very lung way to the Balearics......