h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*reads backlog twice, realizes that all this nonsense is going on in THIS room and NOT on the security monitor*

[sea] oh, s**t!

*sea dives out of reach of any tentacles. evillene stands up, and her eyes glow a very visible red. she holds her hands at waist level, palms up, then raises her hands above her head. the heroes find themselves floating about 4 feet above the ground, and it's much more difficult to do anything useful at that height. evillene falters for a moment, and sea comes up behind her and places a hand on her shoulder, lending her energy and strengthening their hold on the heroes*

Yo, I'd object to that usage of my characters if it wasn't exactly what would happen.


[Chupon and Ultros leave.]

[YK recovers and is about to take revenge, but he notices that Janine has done so for him. He then notices what Sea and Evillene are doing]

[YK] Oh, hi, Sea, Evillene, thanks for casting Float on us.

[[Quake]]

[This shakes up everything except the heroes, who are floating thanks to Sea and Evillene's HEROIC deed. ]

[YK] [hitting his head] D'OH!

[Mog attempts to dance, but, being in midair, he doesn't get very far]

*fortunately, sea and evillene (being from California) are accustomed to earthquakes and manage to remain standing throughout the quake*

[Janine decides to make a serious attempt at slicing either Sea or Evillene in half]

[Janine] [thinks] Hmm, when they aren't fighting each other, they're a pretty good team. Too bad they're not on our side ... I think.

* there is a flash of total darkness, and then the penguin appears *

[Penguin] Sorry, I had to go to the bathroom. Whoa!

* he ducks something dangerous coming for him, and takes in the situation *

[Penguin] Oh dear. Looks like you've been busy!

* he starts to sneak around the edge of the room to try and get behind some of the villians *

*suddenly, a metal wall begins to buckle and rend. a familiar set of claws pokes through and cuts open a doorway. A short snippet of theme music plays, and UH steps into the forum*

[YK] Yay! It's Uncle Heavy!

*Affy casts IZyuk, to provide better maneuvering through the air. He shoots at Minos with his snowzar set to "Permafrost" for the first time since that option was put in*

*Minos, however, ducks just in time, because he was setting up the detonation procedure. The LED Screen reads "20 Posts Till Destruction Of Galaxy", but then it stops, and is replaced by another message reading "Destruction Of Galaxy Postponed. Lack Of Power."*

*Minos, very confused, checks all of the wiring and connections, and even with the destruction caused by the heroes, there should be more than enough power*

* not far away from Minos, hidden behind another console, the penguin has the floor up and is running the current though the charging circuits on his gun, which is capable of storing a very large amount of energy *


Hope you didn't have another explanation in mind for that, Affy.

He did, I arranged it with him via E-mail. Let's say your gun isn't getting very much.


[Whatever battle music we had sort of falls apart. A sort of darkness seems to settle in the room. This is odd because the lighting changes in no way whatsoever. There is a crash, and out of a dimensional rift comes a large, purple humanoid with orange bat wings, orange horns, jet black hair, and black pants, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger.]

[Culex] I am Culex, Dark Knight of Vanda. I came here to fight for the Dark Mage. We cannot allow you, Minos Krymla, to destroy this Galaxy. [to Affy] However, we cannot allow /you/ to destroy the Quantum Explosion Dynamo. This Galaxy is now ours. The power of the Quantum Explosion Dynamo is now within our grasp! [under breath] ... again.

Zeb: Waaaaaiiiiiiiiit a MINUTE! YOU'RE not in the book...! So I'd better jot that down in the margins...

<...Zeb takes out a ballpoint pen and begins writing a description of culex on one of the few blank pages in Alhazred's tome.>

Necronomicon(in protest to being written in): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Zeb: Oh, shut up!

*sea and evillene watch janine warily. sea draws her lightsaber with her free hand. evillene grins evilly and drops her hands once, causing the heroes to swoop towards the floor once, terrifyingly, then return to their previous altitude*

Affy-Say, Minos, we've got a space spectre on our hands.

Minos-Up to no good, no doubt.

Affy-This ever happen to you before?

Minos-Not since I helped Merlin find the Philosopher's Stone.

Affy-I've not met someone this direct since Tarjan, myself.

Minos-I think we should disempower it.

Affy-I think we should capture it.

Together-Frobnitz! Frobnosia! Prob Fset Cond! Zmemqb Intbl Foo!

*Two gigantic fireballs blaze through the air towards the creature*

Affy-Ha! In 94 years, he's guaranteed to die!

Minos-Of course, with that spell, we've probably also guaranteed that the OmegaMatic will now be totally useless in 94 years as well,....

Affy-You were planning on destroying it soon, anyway, and so were we.

Minos-Yeah, you've got a point. Let's see how much damage the fire did.

[Culex glares at the fireballs, which slow to a stop and disappear, apparently out of fright]

[Janine] Can I guess that this is bad?

[Mog] Sure you can.

[Culex] It is clearly quite useless to resist. Your best course of action in the immediate future is to surrender.

[YK] HA! You're purple!

[Culex] [somewhat befuddled] Er, yes ...

[YK] Affy, cast Igram on him! Mackenzie, use X-Zone on him!

[Mackenzie] Uh ... okay.

[[X-Zone]]

[A hole in the space-time continuum opens up behind Culex and then closes. Before it closes, Culex looks at YK with an expression of surprise on his face. After it closes, Culex continues to look at YK with an expression of surprise.]

[YK] I meant /after/ he cast Igram.

[Mackenzie] Then we'd better make the next one count...

[Culex] HA!

I wasn't to know that though, was I? And it did look like such a nice opening. Do you fancy doing your explanation of it sometime soon? Or was the entry of Arnie the explanation?


* leaving his gun to charge, the penguin starts sneaking again, looking for a suitable place from which to wreck a control console. As far as he's concerned, nobody should be getting the QED, for any reason whatsoever *

Culex is part of a bigger story, bits of which are in about three other forums. Once YK manages to get some sense of the whole story, we can all go and fight Vanda, the Dark Mage, all of them. Whether it's wise to or not is another story.

*Affy ducks behind a cauldron that appeared in his last post, and casts Igram at Culex*

Doesn't matter. In 94 years, he's as good as dead....