h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You'd have to be careful doing that as he does suffer the occaisional typo. I asked for a rockery and when i got back from my holidays he's installed a rookery..I tell you, the noise is unbearable.

Or a water feature? I understand, from the snug I think, that munchkin is dreaming, as we speak of spouts and orifices on the statue that we promised to build of him.

But all this avoids the subject! What about my, sorry, I mean the bomber's, money? Come on, cheque-books out. End it with at least three noughts please.

Who should we make the cheques out to? Mine are A/C payee only so I need a name here...

How would I know, am I the Bomber? Are you accusing me of being the Bomber? Perhaps you could just, erm, leave that bit blank?? Maybe? Its the noughts that are important, I'm sure!

(Can't believe this is going to work! Bahamas, here we come!)

The bomber is welcome to one of my cheques - complete with three 0's - would £0.00 keep the bomber happy?

PS Bahamas sounds good - do you think a Lighthouse would be able to get work there?

Bahamas, schwarmas...I need a receipt.
After the fishy goings on in the accounts department, an incident now refered to as Billingsgate, everything has to be properly accounted for.

Well, Lighthousegirl, I cannot answer of course for the Bomber, but, I think, on the grounds purely, you understand, of aesthetics, it would look so much prettier with a couple more 0's to the left of those already there, and then perhaps a little 9 or maybe an 8. Don't you agree?

Sounds a little fishy to me Mr Cairns.

Oh come on, we're all poorer than a poor housemaid doing the washing who hasn't got two pinnies to rub together.

I propose a motion that we just rob a bank.

Look I've already stolen dozens of withdrawal slips in preparation, we only need to fill them in, and Fish has kindly given me a map of a suitable target.

*wrestles for two minutes to get map opened up properly, and spreads it over the hole in the floor*

Yes, here it is, Dogger Bank.

No, whats the next one? (Dover? Wight?..) I, sorry, the Bomber, already raided that one in his search for funds to buy the dynamite. It said. In the paper.

*looks at the map in despair*

Ah this wouldn't have happened in the good old days. Stan Laurel would have strolled in and stood on that.

Tsk, young comics nowadays, I ask you.

Aw Wight's bin done by ra Barrymore Boys, Jimmy.

...as has the night deposit at Ben Dover.

*looks suspiciously at Lighthousegirl*

Haven't I seen you before somewhere? You look familiar, yet strangely different. Were you disguised as Mr Blobby a couple of months ago, before falling into the hands of the whitewash supremacists?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk/scotland/newsid_1162000/1162552.stm

I asked for purple (my favourite colour) not pink. The yellow spots were definitely not requested and made me feel really ill! You really can't trust some people - I mean this guy I met down the pub promised me he could do it and that this paint he had found on the back of a lorry would be just the right shade ...

Submission to the white wash supremacists was, alas, inevitable but after some cunning negotiation (well blowing of a lot of bulbs) my three visitors have now agreed that I can have purple hoops

Do they make me look fat?

"No, of course not. How can you look fat with all the stones you've lost?", he answers a millisecond too quickly.

Damn. I'd better tell the whole truth now, these coastal structures can always tell when you're lying.

*takes deep breath*

It's the white hoops in between that do that.

*lies down and awaits a violent death*

Before I go, did your painter wear a stetson? The reason I ask was that I met this guy in a pub who said he was a beautician, so I handed over 100 quid to cover the VAT on covering up a beauty spot and getting a fake tan. Just look at me now.



Still at least no one notices my big bum.

btw I had been wondering why every tulip I met had a smile on its face this year. Now I know.

OK you can kill me twice now.

*** Wonders why Wumbeevil is still lying on the floor - days later. Has he not realised that I am founder member of the subversive Lighthouses against physical violence, well if you don't count murdering moths, movement. ***

Tulips, what Tulips. Where have all the Tulips gone?

A ..pink lighthouse.

*faints dead away at the thought, mumbling*

Darn feminists...!

*Carefully avoids the hole and places a few beer barrels & some cleaning fluid in a quiet corner of the cellar *

Oooh theres a down here! Well as long as it doesnt interfere with the barrels

*stirs, whisks, and liquidises in his sleep. Coughs up 358 tulips and awakens*

OI! Sammy the Sperm has never interfered with beer in his life, an arrangement which unfortunately is non-reciprocal.

Oh is that cleaning fluid? My fav, how did you know?

Ooh flowers thankyou!

Help yourself to the cleaning fluid if your sure it's your kinda thing, just leave me some to clean the barrels!

Hiya Tocc
Hi Nanny. Would you like some to go with that cleaning fluid?