h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*sneaks up behind the tefkat and grabs her by the scruff of the neck. Gives her a quick shake*

Naughty Tefkat. No for you for a week. And no laps either...I'm going to shut you in with the destructomice!!!

*storms up the stairs with cat in hand, struggling furiously*

Aw go on Zantic.

Not a plea for clemency, more a request of tefkat.

What's going on here? Last thing I remember I was down here alone with toccyboos, next thing I wake up with my willy lying in a tray next to a little pointy wooden stick (which caused mucho confusion when I next went for a pee). Did someone slip me one of those newfangled daterape drugs or something?*


* people over a certain age may remember them being referred to as "Callies".

*Walks down the stairs, and finds a seat.*

Shame this place is so quiet. Seems rather nice.

*stumbles down the stairs, groping*


cheap Scotsmen... 4-watt nightlight to light a whole cellar...


*digs small flashlight out of her shoulder bag and looks around*

There's supposed to be a microbrewery down here. I wonder what it looks like?

*Speaks from the shadows, nursing a (<water&gt.*

I don't know... haven't seen it.

It's over here!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/classic/FFM57147?thread=144576&skip=0&show=20#p1363794

*peers down from the top of the staircase* *taps stick on the first step to ensure its safe* ahhh.
*falls down the staircase* *peers about in the darkness and crawls along the floor looking for the hidden microbrewry* drink.... drink.... yesh... need a drink

shh - there's gravedigging going on in this cellar somewhere...

There is? its so dark it'd be hard to tell... oooo I think I've found something

Methinks the cellar may in fact be a grave, given the fact that it is listed as 'for undesirables'...

Anyway, chin up, down the hatch and to hades with the lot of them!

(After descending into the barely lit gloom courtesy of cracks in the outside trapdoor used on delivery day)
Well...........there are barrels and cases of bottles on their sides covered in dust. I've suddenly become very interested in this place.

/me rubs the dust off some of the bottles

I can't tell if its wine or poison

Any willing volunteers?

Wine is my poison! croaks a weak voice from the darkness.

Chains are hear clinking. Get me down from here and I’ll try the stuff,
Do anything to get out of this.

As eyes get used to the darkness a ragged old gent can be seen chained to the wall.

Who are you and what the hell are you doing there?

Chained up by the Land Lord I was for telling jokes with no punch lines and refusing to pay my bar tab, been here, must be about, thirty minutes now, but it feels like a life time. Give me a swig of that stuff guv!

Would you like a straw with that?

(Fumbles in small bag and produces a bendy straw)

I'm not sure that will reach

How about 10 bendy straws all squished together? A marvel of modern engineering!

Steady with them you have just pushed the end of the straw up my noise!

NO not there either, I get cream from the doctor for that!

Look why do you not build a series of supports using these old loo roll innards that are laying all over the floor, then you can rest the straws on them and take some of the bounce off them. Like the sort of thing they do on Blue Peter!

Hmmmm, that sounds far too much like hard work for me. I give up with this straw malarky. Now what we need is a trampoline and a chainsaw, then we can cut the chains! Much easier!

(produces a small sack which obviously has a small animal writhing inside)

Let my pet ferret 'Tinny' help you. You see recently he lost all of his teeth, but the vet dentist fitted him with a set of titanium dentures. He'll easily make short work of those chains.

Hmmmm, a ferret with dentures? Was he involved in a radio sketch titled 'armageddon' by any chance?