h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Tries to remove Babycham bottle stuck on end of finger without Pinky noticing, while at the same time ignoring something that sounded like the Snughound breaking wind*

*awakens just as the Spanish Inquisition leaves the snug with the offending post in handcuffs and a hood*

What? A modded post in the BOF Inn??

Mmmmmmm,who can this untruder be ? I wonder if someone hid in my suitcase while I came through customs ? They left an awful after smell in here.Dare I open a window ? Or is that being just plain silly ? Kes,another Babycham when your ready please,and whatever Lil would like,and one for yourself,of course.On me,I'll pay.

*In the blink of an eye ... GLUG*
Don't mind if I do - thanks. Not sure about the fresh air, though.

Mmmmmmm,thought I was pushing it a bit with the fresh air suggestion Kes.Still,lets drink up eh ? Cheers !

It's quiet in here !

*A minor moist hiss from the logs in the fire,
gentle digestatory gurglings from the SnugHound,
a whispering of tumbleweed weedily tumbling across the carpet,
small scratchings of disturbed hedgehogs beneath the armchair,
the sound of fat setting in Lil's fryer,
flappings of torn black-out curtain,
slitherings of bubbles down the side of an empty beer mug*

Pardon? Shall I turn on the radio?

*Walks across the Snug to the magnificent walnut and Bakelite radio, and inspects the tuning dial.*

What do you fancy?
Home Service?
Hilversum?
Schenectady?

*Turns the museum piece on. The silence persists.*

It'll take a couple of minutes to warm up, you know. Valves and all that.
Magnificent things, valves - you know where you are with valves. If they're glowing, they're working.

*Stands back a pace to admire the behemoth.*

There - glowing valves - what did I tell you?
The smell of burning dust and smouldering Bakelite - can't beat it!
Not sure that the line cord should be glowing as well as the valves.
Probably just teething trou




*ZZZZZZZZZAAAAARK. BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOT. SSSSWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAEEE.
GGGGGGGGZGZGZGZGZGZGZ. FFFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRT. FWOT!!!!!!!!!!*

Oh my!

*Extinguishes eyebrows*
*Extinguishes waistcoat*
*Stamps on several smouldering patches of carpet.*

Perhaps "quiet" wasn't that bad after all! I feel quite overcome.

Stop that awful heterodyne noise!

Sorry - it doesn't happen often ... quite a low frequency, you could say.

*sniffs the ozone*

Hmmm... somebody's been warming up the wireless. That thing hasn't worked since Descartes announced "I think therefore I AM and FM."



*suddenly realises that AM/FM jokes may be peculiar to North American radio types. Brits always have different names for everything - One man's VHS is another man's PAL and all that - so hertzian broadcast signals may be known by other nominclature than AM and FM. Anyway, for those too young to know, AM is Amplitude Modulation and FM is Frequency Modulation, two distinct ways of modulating a radio carrier wave. Thanks to Kes for the inspiration, re: frequencies.*

PS: Never could understand 'valves' for what we call 'tubes'. They clearly look like tubes, glass tubes, some not unlike lab test tubes. A valve is something you let air out of, or put air into, a pneumatic tyre tube. Also sometimes to drain beer and rum from barrels but usually called a spiggot. It has a little handle that opens or closes a tap which is considered a 'valve'....

*turns on tap to demonstrate*

~jwf~

That's a jolly fine tap you're holding!
*Observes beer flowing up the tube and through the valve ... and puts his beer mug under the spigot.*

Certainly looks like I spoke too soon,again ! So much noise,taps and sparking valves and beer splashing into mugs ! I need a drink.

*(hopefully)* Looks like ~jwf~ is buying ...

Flow on sweet river of life! Up the tubes and down the pipes and into the many jugs and mugs there-of.


~jwf~

I'll have an -- and how about if I make some grilled cheese sandwiches to go with our drinks?

*gets out the frying pan and ingredients*

Ooh yes please - yummy.
Could you pass me a slightly less soggy replacement beer mat too?
*(Don't know why the sarnies made me think of that)*
And another from the tube, to keep it company

The sandwich is ON the mat. The mat is NOT in the sandwich!

*kicks the inflatable replacement barkeep, which serves Kes then rests its head on the counter with a slightly flatulent sound*

That new inflatable barkeeper looks like he could do with a clean and brush up to me ! Speaking of cleaning,does anyone realise it's spring ? Now where did I leave my rubber gloves ?

I threw away the rubber gloves back when Wumbeevil was still a regular, cos he kept playing proctologist with the hedgehogs.

Another sandwich, anyone?

Yes please! You are sure you threw the rubber gloves away?