h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*climbs outa the hole*

Wow ..what a trip.

hmmm, so the hole is really that big now, eh?

It's not...it couldn't be...not...The Vortex?

"No, it's just the lift."

"Ground Floor ... Saloon Bar, ales, stouts, peanuts and pickled eggs"

Well I hope you're all hungry, I've brought back fried rice, egg rolls, egg foo young, sweet and sour, some birds nest soup, wontons, sechuan beef and noodle, almond soo guy, guy ding...

Damn I forgot the chopsticks! I'll be back shortly.

*jumps back into hole*

Go ahead and start without me if y'can find forks or summat...

He's saying it goes right through to China, I think

*Chomp, chomp*
Good takeaway though ... can't get noodles like this in the supermarket ...

**Gets ancient globe down from top of cupboard, places it on desk, and walk around it thoughtfully, ruler in hand**

If, and I say if, your theory is right, and if, and I say if, the takeaway comes from Schzechuan, and if, and I say if, the hole is straight, I can only conclude that either the BOFInn is not where we thought it was at all and is somewhere in the South Atlantic and is probably set to play a pivotal role in a world domination plan by Fu Manchu or somesuch OR China has moved OR jwf is only pretending to go down the hole, whilst actually sloping off to the Beijing Palace in the next village!

Anybody know what their noodles are like?

*emerging from hole followed by an ancient Oriental*

Guys this is Wu I. He's helping me carry the chopsticks. They are ivory chopsticks you see and since ivory is a limited and precious resource Wu I suggested he would come with me and after we've finished eating, we can wash up and he'll take the chopsticks back to the Imperial Palace.

Oh, Wu is a title, like Mister or Doctor but it actually means 'Sorcerer' or 'Wizard' or 'witchdoctor' or 'Magician' or 'Mage' depending on your preferential reference. Wu I is the first person in history to have publicly committed suicide by lightning. When was that.. oh yeah 1350 BC ..to demonstrate his powers.
I used to be his elephant, during a couple of incarnations, so when he saw I had finally become a human being for the first time, he just dropped everything and said he wanted to be my elephant for a change.
What a sense of humour, eh? Seriously, he's a great guy.
No don't tip him, just make sure you give him back all the chopsticks.

*Kes bows* Master! How honoured for us to have you in our presence! You grace our unworthy establishment with your radiance! ...Master, may I presume to ask you a question?
*Wu I inclines his head a fraction*
Thank you Master ...My question is ....
DO we get free prawn crackers with this lot?

Ahhh Prawn Crackers.. the Savory version of Quavers. And Bigger, Bigger Version. And Tastier.. Hmm, Anything else while i'm talking nonsense?

Ahhh Prawn Crackers.. the Savory version of Quavers. And Bigger, Bigger Version. And Tastier.. Hmm, Anything else while i'm talking nonsense?

Am I ing or are you a civil servant?
(I knew I shouldn't have had all those to help me through the children's party )

Any sweet'n'sour pork balls going spare?

I Feel like a Chicken Wing, though people say i don't look like one, but i feel like one anyway..

Ah right, its the pivotal role in a world domination plan then!

Watch out! Some dim spark has put deadly elephant poison on the prawn crackers. All the elephants in the BOFInn will die!

Which means WU I Can make more ivory chopsticks and go back to china happy!

Er ... a point of order ... surely they will only die if they eat the prawn crackers?

Has an elephant ever refused a prawn cracker???

Would that be Indian or African? I'll look it up ....