h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ok, back to shallow. monday...
but here are a few one line sports bloopers for you, a shallow bud of mine sent 'em to me.

Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

I only know blonde jokes....and as a lifelong member of bbc(blonde,brightand clever)I am not allowed to repeat them.One of them is quite funny.

Aw! Go on.

We won't tell anyone it was you, honest!

turvy

I know I'll be slapped on the wrist for this(cause its to deep), but I'm posting it anyway.
It's getting close to halloween, so here is a Horror Story.


This story happened about a month ago in a little town in
Northwestern
Ontario, and even when it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale
it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark
night and in
the middle of a storm.

The night was rolling and no car went by, the storm was so
strong he could
hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming
towards him
and stop.

The guy without thinking about it got in the car closed the door
just to
realize there's nobody behind the wheel. The car starts slowly,
the guy looks
at the road and sees a curve coming his way, scared he starts to
pray begging
for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he
hits the
curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every
time just
before a curve.

The guy gathering strength gets out of the car and runs to the
nearest town.
Wet and in shock goes to a tavern and asks for two shots of rum,
and starts
telling everybody about the horrible experience he went thru. A
silence
enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and
wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same tavern and
one said to
the other.

"Look Seppo, that's the asshole that got in the car when we were
pushing.

It is getting dark and it is cold so I am a little bit low right now

How about this Pedboy:

This bloke is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for
company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful,
so he's doing all right - but after a few months he gets "lonely", if you
know what I mean.

The pig starts to look more and more attractive--soft, pink flesh, round
buttocks, etc. But every time this poor fellow makes an advance towards
the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very
frustrating. One day the bloke sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims
out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom
of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and
brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health.
Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you,
thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll
do anything for you, anything, just name it." The bloke thinks for a
minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

Excellent milkchocolate.

Here is one from a few years ago.

Concorde has just landed and has been parked at its terminal for the day.

Two ground crew are working on the front undercarriage when one notices that there is a puddle of fluid under the nose of the plane.

"Hey Alf!" he calls to his mate. "Come and look at this"
Alf wanders over and looks at the puddle of fluid.
"What do you reckon it is, Frank?" he asks.
"Dunno" say Frank and like all Engineers through history he bends down and sticks his finger in the fluid.
It is very cold to touch and he says so. "Cor! that f***ing cold"
Frank puts his finger to his nose and sniffs as Alf bends down and dips his finger in the puddle.
The two look at each other and Alf sniffs his finger too.

The fluid smells sweet and also of alcohol. It also has an indefinable quality to it that neither has ever experienced, used as they are to Watneys Red Barrel and Johnny Walkers.

Frank puts his finger to his tongue and tastes the fluid. A look of indescribable pleasure creeps across his face and, realising that he is missing out, Alf quickly sucks on his finger too.

The two soon forget work in their haste to get as much of the fluid into their mouths as is possible without being noticed by their supervisor.

The stuff continues to drip from the nose of Concorde so they put a bucket under it and go back to work, a mistake as, by now they are completely under the spell of the magical-tasting fluid.

"Mus' be summit to do wiv supersonics Alf." opines Frank.
"Yeah! whatever Frank" replies Alf "Its good though!"

At the end of their shift the two men collect the bucket, that by now is half full and go to Franks gaff. They get two glasses and while Frank pours, Alf orders in a curry.

Much later when Alf has finally made it home to bed and has been asleep for a couple of hours, he wakes up with the most awful stomach ache.
As he is writhing around in bed the phone rings. It's Frank.

"Alf."says Frank. "Alf, how do you feel mate".
"God Frank, my guts are killing me son. I've never 'ad wind like this in me life before!"

"Alf!!" say Frank sounding desperate on the phone and, Alf also notes through the haze of pain, with a slight time lag. "Alf! For F*** SAKE don't fart. I'm ringing from Bahrain!".

turvy

lol, good ones . I honor of the excellent postings I will post a shallow joke for just you. Here goes...

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands."Actually, no," the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything
I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly
popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"

Poor bartender
LOL

Well, as today is my last day at my current job I am on corporate wave so here is sth, don't know if is shallow enough

Corporate lesson_1


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After
a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and
answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps
herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob
says,"I'll
give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have
on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel
and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and
leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune,
the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks
from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about
the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you
may be in a position to prevent avoidable Exposure!


*Corporate lesson 2


A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side
of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which
she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing
her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest
had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his
hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and
immediately
said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He
forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was
unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand
slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said,
"Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest
apologized."Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said,
"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always be well informed in your job, or you might
miss a great opportunity!


*Corporate Lesson 3


Usually the executives and staff of the company play
football.

The middle level managers are more interested in
Tennis.

The top management usually has a preference for Golf.

Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls
reduce in size.

But as I said I am leaving today and I feel sad though I know I am moving to a better place but still I'll miss some people and I can't be shallow now so I am leaving. Oh poor me

hiya peeps, wat we r gonne say is nufin 2 do wiv sun tea or toasties, we wanna b witches!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WITCHES, did you say witches? now you've gone and done it!! Just saying her name will bring her running, silly...silly man.
no more
but my is wrapped around me for protection.
my mother in law is probably knocking on my door now...

Well! Hasn't this thread been quiet lately.

I must say though that I have been far too busy making sure that I looked suitabley and fashionable for when someone did post to here, shallow as I am.

More concerning is that nobody else seems to be as shallow as the King of Shallowness - pedboy

turvy *looking a lot like the cat from Red Dwarf*

i'm so shallow even a child couldn't drown in my space.

Any suggestion for nice shallow Christmas act? I wanna do sth good without losing the touch of shallowness

watcha chattin bout, im a girl and i can already so simple spells!

thank you turvy, and in response I will leave a very shallow thought.
Why does turvy use the icon? For that matter who cares...(no offence meant turvy just bein shallow)


pedboy

As a suggestion for you milkchocolate, how about a bottle of fresh air, nicely wrapped. Not exotic or anything like that, just open the kitchen window.


pedboy

I was sure you will not disappoint me, Pedboy
But I think that some exotic smell is likely to penetrate the bottle if the air comes from the kitchen window. I'll better try the bedroom or some other room. Will think over it.
Are the whales fine?

brb, gonna go ask'em.

Whales are fine, headin south as we speak.
got some more shallow, here is a peek I put the rest on myown page, so take a look

_ Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty & so is your head.

_ After you, my love, my only prize

Would be a bullet between the eyes.
Sorta like Mr.Deeds kinda cards, huh?

I'm with you i'm totally lost. I'm not an englishman...