h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No more of this goading stuff about crunching celery, now that these guests have all shot themselves in feet, heh heh heh.

*finishes cherries*

Styx don't eat out any more. Opposition stooping lower all the time. I hear about stealing of the redbeard cat. Bad!

*leaves banquet room*

*enters room and looks around at mess left behind by the last wave of guests*

Waiter, just throw those tablecloths in the ragbin. We'll reimburse Chrome. The salad dishes belong to Demon Drawer -- have them washed and we'll return them later on. And the waste disposal was brought in by Fashion Cat ... um, take it into the kitchen. I'll get in touch with her and see if she wants it back.

And could you bring me a chicken sandwich and a beer please? Oh, lettuce, tomato, mayo.
*waiter nods and directs other staff to clean the room*

*Lil settles into leather chair and waits for her sandwich*

*floating in*

What a mess! Hi Lil! (again, I'm experiencing serious trouble trying to keep up with these parallel conversations)

Waiter! Un café mélange, s'il vous plait! *happy sigh*

Ooops, past midnight CET..

G'nigh, all

*drifting off, in her usual v.e.l.manner*

*A hooded charector dressed in Black, runs in*

*There's a hint of Tartan from under his cloak*

*He places an effigy of Demon Drawer on the table and strikes a match*

*The Effigy of Demon Drawer starts to burn*

*The mysterious stranger departs*

*something with a snoopy bra covered face enters just after...*

*thinks: I got the timings wrong again....

*places smaller Fashion Cat effigy beside Demon Drawer's.... (well, I am the VP)

*lights effigy from flames on DDs....

*creeps back out again muttering faintly about getting the timing right next time....

*shadow detaches from wall and douses both in cyclohexane before retreating back into the wall*

*A stray Swatch watch is lying alone on the floor*

*comes in from the lounge after hearing strange noises*

*sees Swatch lying on the floor*

*takes out a hankie and carefully picks up watch without getting her own fingerprints on it*

*returns to lounge*

*on her way out, she notices the watch is no longer functional, it's hands stopped dead*

*stops in entrance to check*
*reads backlog with growing disbelief*
We in a Nick Park movie now?
heh heh heh heh heh
*staggers out giggling so hard*

*First off, what happens in this post is not an illusion. No one imagined it - they saw it. It happened right before them, and was not seen on the TV or anything else. I-t h-a-p-p-e-n-e-d!*

Big C: Watch, can you get a fix on them?
Watch (no, not the Swatch): Yes Sir. Subjects The Celery and Ms Dolores A. Webjello located in room.
Big C: Perform a thorough scan. Check alternate realities and the surrounding area for them.
Watch: Affirmative. These are the real subjects.
Big C: No doubt?
Watch: No doubt Sir.
Big C: Good. Right, in we go…

The Big C, aka Pr. C. Tonks, enters the hotel's banqueting Hall, where Celery and Webjello are sitting on the podium with Redbeard. Big C, Watch on arm, proceeds in stealth mode to move slowly up to the back of the podium. He ducks behind tables, chairs, sofas, avoiding the tired gazes of the few remaining guests at the party, and the ever-watchful eye of the headwaiter. No one notices him.
He finally reaches the back of the podium. He jumps up behind the trio of Celery, Webjello and Redbeard. His right index finger is rested on the Watch, and it's this that is pointing menacingly at them.

Big C: Right, hands up! Well OK, primary manipulator organs up! Don't make any sudden movements!
Webjello: What on Earth do you think you are doing?
Redbeard: What's all this? I thought you were polite Big C?!
Big C: I am…to my other rivals in these campaigns. Eomando, Demon Drawer, Fashion Cat, get over here. You're not in trouble…
All you other guests stay way back! My Watch has you all targeted, and the press of its front panel will result in your deaths!

The requested three people move to Big C's side. Redbeard, Celery and Webjello look at Big C horrified.

Celery: What's with your honesty man? Have you no dignity? To come racing into our party threatening us with your weapons display! And only a few days ago you wished us good luck!
Big C: I've had a look at your reports since then…I'm not pleased! You, Celery, do not exist! Neither does Webjello! Please regard this….

A holographic image appears in front of the offending trio. Words appear floating…

Big C: I am authorised under the Multi-Galactic Government of San Beta to charge you with the following cases.
Celery, you have offended the rights of the true h2g2 presidential voters by faking the amount of votes you have. No one had heard of you before the elections, and yet you are in the lead. This, my friends, is a fixed vote! And it's your entire fault Celery!
Celery: But I, I…
Big C: No excuses! Your work of forgery is having a psychological effect on the rest of h2g2. They see you're in the lead, and decide to stay with the (fake) majority. You have an unfair advantage over the other, loyal, candidates.
Now, Webjello, you are charged as the accomplice of this treason! Your apparent presence on the Net is unauthorised, and you have illegal control over many things. It is our general fear that you will manipulate h2g2 with this advantage.
Finally Redbeard. You are in fault of the Rules and Regulations of the h2g2 Virtual Prez Elections. You are in fact the creator of these identities. They do not exist on h2g2. You control what they say, what they do. If they were to be elected, you would be the only true winner. This is an illegal operation, and I am authorised to stop it here and now!
Mr Celery, Ms Dolores A. Webjello, I charge you under the authority vested in me by the GalaGroup of San Beta with the attempted manipulation of h2g2 to your own ends. You are hereby expelled from the Virtual Prez Elections, and may not re-enter. Furthermore…

Webjello quivers silently. Redbeard stirs on the spot, pressing a small panic button next to him. Suddenly the hotel party room is flooded with the figures of armed guards. Big C tenses, and presently ducks behind the podium, taking The Celery with him in his pocket.

Big C: E! DD, FC! We've got to get rid of them! Come on, we can beat them!

In each of E's, DD's and FC's hands (or paws) materialises a gun. Set to kill.
Big C fires beams of blue light out of his Watch. Each time a ray hits a guard, it gets pulled into the Watch, where its fate is not pleasant. All four of the true candidates begin to fight their way through the armed guards to where Redbeard and Webjello are trying to make their escape.

Big C: Watch! Seal the room! Don't let anything in or out! Establish a Dimensional Link - I want nothing in this reality to fail to happen in another!
Watch: Affirmative Sir. Dimensional Link established. Anything that happens here *has* happened, and cannot be undone.
Big C: Great!

They battle on. Eomando strikes a fatal blow to the Webjello's green innards.

Eomando: Got it! I'm going to stun her!
FC: I've got Redbeard in my sights!
DD: Big C! Help me with the guards! They're multiplying!!!
Big C: What????????!!!!! No. No! Not…not…

The guards, who've now realised their cover is blown, shape shift into their true form. Morphs!

FC: What are they?
Big C: The Morphs! My archenemies! They, they must have traced my 'station to this planet! They can shape shift and take on the form of many beings! We need to stop them from multiplying…hmmm…
Waiter! Ice, if you please!

The waiter stops battling against Big C, and performs his duties to the party.

Waiter: Here sir.
Big C: Thanks…

He places the block of ice on the top of his Watch, and it shrinks into it, assuming its position in front of the laser emitter. The beams that are shot out now appear to disable the Morphs' multiplying powers.

Big C: Right! Now, kill them!!

The battles rage on. In the mean time, The Celery climbed out of Big C's pocket and joined the fearful duo of onlookers; Redbeard and Webjello.

Celery: What are we going to do Dolores? What do we do to keep our position???
Webjello: Looks like the dance is over…
Redbeard: Pah! Big C's not going to stop my plans!!

Redbeard pulls out his own gun and points it in Big C's direction. He fires, and its one single bullet hits Big C's shields square on. It presently bounces off, and grazes Redbeard's shoulder, knocking him unconscious.
After a while, the Morphs teleport away, leaving in the room just the stunned guests who have taken cover under the tables, the unconscious Redbeard, the stunned Webjello, the scared-out-of-his-wits Celery, the allied candidates Eomando, Demon Drawer, Fashion Cat, and Big C.

Big C: The game's over you three. You can't escape now. I would have given you a milder punishment than what
I am now. But the laws of San Beta, which apply to me, and hence apply you because you're my case now, demand death as a punishment for avoiding justice. You may live no longer Celery and Webjello!

He picks up the quivering mass of sentient jelly now shaded an unsightly murky brownie-green colour. He places it on the table nearest to him, and fires from his Watch. The thin blue light emitting from the front of the Watch dissolves Webjello (and because of the Dimensional Link, all of the possible Webjellos in existence), and she is no more.
He grabs the Celery from Redbeard's shaking hand, and removes his glasses.

Big C: You have no eyes! How fitting; you couldn't see what you were doing anyway. You couldn't see your plan would fail! You don't deserve to be sentient!

With this last sentence, Big C fires an orange beam at The Celery, who promptly falls limp in Big C's hand. His sentience was removed. He no longer lived. Big C went over to the snacks table, and dipped the piece of Celery into a cooling cream cheese dip. And ate it.
Eomando, Demon Drawer and Fashion Cat cheered!

Big C: Done at last! The two fake candidates have finally been removed from this presidential race!
All the voters are now free to choose who they really want to vote for, without the oppression of fake voters calling for the now deceased Celery and Webjello!
All the candidates now have a fair chance of voting!!

The other guests cheered as they finally worked out what had happened.

Big C: Watch, I cannot be sure of Redbeard's illegal intentions now. We must stop this from happening again!
Establish a constant Dimensional Link, and ensure that every possible version of both of the two fake candidates are eliminated as soon as they arise!
No excuses this time Redbeard!
The Celery and Ms Dolores A. Webjello are dead. Got that? D-E-A-D…DEAD!! They live no more! They are out of the Virtual Prez Elections! For good!

The party guests forget the whole incident and continue to discuss things together, forgetting the oppression that held them from voting as if it had never existed.
Big C, Eomando, Demon Drawer and Fashion Cat find themselves a table, and discuss how nice it is to have a fair chance of winning again.

Erm...sorry...I typed it up in Word...
… means ...

*applauds wildly, stands to applaud some more*

Excellent movie Big C! Amazing how you found look-alikes for all the candidates! What fabulous special effects! What a far-fetched plot line!

Encore!! Let's see it again. I wish Redbeard and Affi and Garius were here just now to join me in saluting your creativity, which ranges almost as widely as your blatant envy of the Celery's lead in the polls. It's good to know that at least one opposing candidate will have an alternate career path in front of him after the elections are over.

*Settles down to see the second viewing*

*DD surveys the scene*

Poor Lil, the shock must be too much for her.

*He reaches for a bottle of Napoleon Brady and pours it down Lil's throat*

Anyone have any smelling salts?

*Redbeard enters with Dolores to see what the fuss is about* {{Dolores: Oh, they're showing that one again? Entertaining, but lacks realism.}} Yeah. My character looks kind of handsome, though. :-) However, I don't own a gun that I pull out like that, so they got that one wrong. see: http://www.h2g2.com/F45513?thread=59247&post=462660 for a description of my weapons. Oh, well. You want to stay and watch? {{Dolores: Nah. We've got better things to do.}} *they leave*

*First off, what happens in this post is not an illusion. No one imagined it - they saw it. It happened right before them, and was not seen on the TV or anything else. I-t h-a-p-p-e-n-e-d!*
==============
*Lil, watching the show comments - Don't ya love 3-D IMAX? Talk about total immersion!*
===============
Big C: Watch, can you get a fix on them?
Watch (no, not the Swatch): Yes Sir. Subjects The Celery and Ms Dolores A. Webjello located in room.
Big C: Perform a thorough scan. Check alternate realities and the surrounding area for them.
Watch: Affirmative. These are the real subjects.
Big C: No doubt?
Watch: No doubt Sir.
Big C: Good. Right, in we go.
=========
*Lil: I love that part, too. Wouldn't it be something if this guy actually became prez and could walk into any thread and tell us to change our reality to suit him? *
=========
The Big C, aka Pr. C. Tonks, enters the hotel's banqueting Hall, where Celery and Webjello are sitting on the podium with Redbeard. Big C, Watch on arm, proceeds in stealth mode to move slowly up to the back of the podium. He ducks behind tables, chairs, sofas, avoiding the tired gazes of the few remaining guests at the party, and the ever-watchful eye of the headwaiter. No one notices him.
He finally reaches the back of the podium. He jumps up behind the trio of Celery, Webjello and Redbeard. His right index finger is rested on the Watch, and it's this that is pointing menacingly at them.
===============
*Lil: Whoa! Look out for the sneaky perp everybody! Watch the watch, fellas!
===============
Big C: Right, hands up! Well OK, primary manipulator organs up! Don't make any sudden movements!
Webjello: What on Earth do you think you are doing?
Redbeard: What's all this? I thought you were polite Big C?!
Big C: I am…to my other rivals in these campaigns.
===============
Lil: Who did he say he was? I can't pronounce those hashes...
===============
Eomando, Demon Drawer, Fashion Cat, get over here. You're not in trouble…
All you other guests stay way back! My Watch has you all targeted, and the press of its front panel will result in your deaths!
===============
Lil: Makes it a beast during the spring and fall changes, I bet.
===============
The requested three people move to Big C's side. Redbeard, Celery and Webjello look at Big C horrified.

Celery: What's with your honesty man? Have you no dignity? To come racing into our party threatening us with your weapons display! And only a few days ago you wished us good luck!
Big C: I've had a look at your reports since then…I'm not pleased! You, Celery, do not exist! Neither does Webjello! Please regard this….
=================
Lil: If they don't exist then who's he ... oh, never mind.
=================

A holographic image appears in front of the offending trio. Words appear floating…

Big C: I am authorised under the Multi-Galactic Government of San Beta to charge you with the following cases.
=================
Lil: *chewing popcorn noisily* An open-and-shut offense.
=================

Celery, you have offended the rights of the true h2g2 presidential voters by faking the amount of votes you have. No one had heard of you before the elections, and yet you are in the lead. This, my friends, is a fixed vote! And it's your entire fault Celery!

==================
Lil: This is where he should have got Dr. E Vibs into the action. I mean if the polls are wrong, EV is guilty or rigging, not the celery.
==================
Celery: But I, I…
Big C: No excuses! Your work of forgery is having a psychological effect on the rest of h2g2. They see you're in the lead, and decide to stay with the (fake) majority. You have an unfair advantage over the other, loyal, candidates.

===================
Lil: The voters are really going to like being called mindless. That goes down real big at the Aroma Cafe and the F&F...
===================


Now, Webjello, you are charged as the accomplice of this treason! Your apparent presence on the Net is unauthorised, and you have illegal control over many things. It is our general fear that you will manipulate h2g2 with this advantage.
====================
Lil: *leaning over to headwaiter* She what? Her apparent presence is causing real harm? Move over Ed Wood, this is a PLOT!
====================

Finally Redbeard. You are in fault of the Rules and Regulations of the h2g2 Virtual Prez Elections. You are in fact the creator of these identities. They do not exist on h2g2. You control what they say, what they do. If they were to be elected, you would be the only true winner. This is an illegal operation, and I am authorised to stop it here and now!

====================
Lil: *throwing popcorn* Booooooo! Hssssssssssss! Wait a minute. Authorised by whom? Shazz? Shazz accepted the entry of the Celery and Webjello, didn't she? I wonder if Shazz is behind this murder plot.
====================

Mr Celery, Ms Dolores A. Webjello, I charge you under the authority vested in me by the GalaGroup of San Beta with the attempted manipulation of h2g2 to your own ends. You are hereby expelled from the Virtual Prez Elections, and may not re-enter. Furthermore…


Webjello quivers silently. Redbeard stirs on the spot, pressing a small panic button next to him. Suddenly the hotel party room is flooded with the figures of armed guards. Big C tenses, and presently ducks behind the podium, taking The Celery with him in his pocket.

=========================
Lil: *throwing more popcorn* Nahhhhh! Geddoudaheah! Nevah happen! Come on, do they exist or not? Yo momma!
=====================
Big C: E! DD, FC! We've got to get rid of them! Come on, we can beat them!

In each of E's, DD's and FC's hands (or paws) materialises a gun. Set to kill.

====================
Lil: *slurping cherry coke* Oh, THAT's a nice twist! The C is implicating all the candidates at the same time. Is this a ritual killing then? Or is this a horror movie after all?
====================

Big C fires beams of blue light out of his Watch. Each time a ray hits a guard, it gets pulled into the Watch, where its fate is not pleasant. All four of the true candidates begin to fight their way through the armed guards to where Redbeard and Webjello are trying to make their escape.

=====================
Lil: Murkier and murkier. Is the C trying to kill everybody or is everybody trying to kill the Celery?
=====================

Big C: Watch! Seal the room! Don't let anything in or out! Establish a Dimensional Link - I want nothing in this reality to fail to happen in another!
Watch: Affirmative Sir. Dimensional Link established. Anything that happens here *has* happened, and cannot be undone.
Big C: Great!

They battle on. Eomando strikes a fatal blow to the Webjello's green innards.

====================
Lil: Take that and that and that you hussy! *giggling now* So Eomando kills Delores, eh?
====================
Eomando: Got it! I'm going to stun her!
FC: I've got Redbeard in my sights!
DD: Big C! Help me with the guards! They're multiplying!!!
Big C: What????????!!!!! No. No! Not…not…

The guards, who've now realised their cover is blown, shape shift into their true form. Morphs!

FC: What are they?
Big C: The Morphs! My archenemies! They, they must have traced my 'station to this planet! They can shape shift and take on the form of many beings! We need to stop them from multiplying…hmmm…

==================
Lil: *yawns*
==================

Waiter! Ice, if you please!

The waiter stops battling against Big C, and performs his duties to the party.

Waiter: Here sir.
Big C: Thanks…

=====================
Lil: *leaning over to waiter* Did anybody ask you for permission before you were shown atempting to murder hotel guests? I'll give you the name of a lawyer after the show.
===================

He places the block of ice on the top of his Watch, and it shrinks into it, assuming its position in front of the laser emitter. The beams that are shot out now appear to disable the Morphs' multiplying powers.

Big C: Right! Now, kill them!!

The battles rage on. In the mean time, The Celery climbed out of Big C's pocket and joined the fearful duo of onlookers; Redbeard and Webjello.

Celery: What are we going to do Dolores? What do we do to keep our position???
Webjello: Looks like the dance is over…
Redbeard: Pah! Big C's not going to stop my plans!!

=================
Lil: *throwing more popcorn* Booooooooooooo! I haven't heard such bad scriptwriting since I saw Space Cowboys last week!
=================


Redbeard pulls out his own gun and points it in Big C's direction. He fires, and its one single bullet hits Big C's shields square on. It presently bounces off, and grazes Redbeard's shoulder, knocking him unconscious.

====================
Lil: *burst out laughing* C, maybe your brains are in ~your~ shoulders -- and this script suggests exactly that -- ut don't generalise to the rest of us entities!
=====================

After a while, the Morphs teleport away, leaving in the room just the stunned guests who have taken cover under the tables, the unconscious Redbeard, the stunned Webjello, the scared-out-of-his-wits Celery, the allied candidates Eomando, Demon Drawer, Fashion Cat, and Big C.

Big C: The game's over you three. You can't escape now. I would have given you a milder punishment than what
I am now. But the laws of San Beta, which apply to me, and hence apply you because you're my case now, demand death as a punishment for avoiding justice. You may live no longer Celery and Webjello!

He picks up the quivering mass of sentient jelly now shaded an unsightly murky brownie-green colour. He places it on the table nearest to him, and fires from his Watch. The thin blue light emitting from the front of the Watch dissolves Webjello (and because of the Dimensional Link, all of the possible Webjellos in existence), and she is no more.

======================
Lil: *puzzled* I thought Eomando killed her earlier on.
=====================

He grabs the Celery from Redbeard's shaking hand, and removes his glasses.

Big C: You have no eyes! How fitting; you couldn't see what you were doing anyway. You couldn't see your plan would fail! You don't deserve to be sentient!

======================
Lil: *throwing the last of her popcorn* Yahhhh! Your plot is so inconsistent I couldn't use it to wipe up a puddle! Now he exists and he's sentient but he doesn't deserve to be? Get out of here!
=====================

With this last sentence, Big C fires an orange beam at The Celery, who promptly falls limp in Big C's hand. His sentience was removed. He no longer lived. Big C went over to the snacks table, and dipped the piece of Celery into a cooling cream cheese dip. And ate it.
Eomando, Demon Drawer and Fashion Cat cheered!

Big C: Done at last! The two fake candidates have finally been removed from this presidential race!
All the voters are now free to choose who they really want to vote for, without the oppression of fake voters calling for the now deceased Celery and Webjello!
All the candidates now have a fair chance of voting!!

The other guests cheered as they finally worked out what had happened.
===================
Lil: It took them this long and they're in the movie.
====================

Big C: Watch, I cannot be sure of Redbeard's illegal intentions now. We must stop this from happening again!
Establish a constant Dimensional Link, and ensure that every possible version of both of the two fake candidates are eliminated as soon as they arise!
No excuses this time Redbeard!
The Celery and Ms Dolores A. Webjello are dead. Got that? D-E-A-D…DEAD!! They live no more! They are out of the Virtual Prez Elections! For good!

The party guests forget the whole incident and continue to discuss things together, forgetting the oppression that held them from voting as if it had never existed.

=================
Lil: Another generous compliment to the mental abilities of the electorate from the C
=================

Big C, Eomando, Demon Drawer and Fashion Cat find themselves a table, and discuss how nice it is to have a fair chance of winning again.


===============

The Big C

Well said The Big C. This is same point that I was making three weeks ago (http://www.h2g2.com/F46364?thread=65949) but in a more entertaining form. It's a point I will make again. Perhaps Lil has fainted because she has finally seen the light and is going to defect to support a real researcher instead. Vote Peregrin. Why not? Peregrin Soars!

*takes the remains such as remain and interns them in the park*

I will start a funeral precession thread now.

*spluttering and choking on brandy, spitting the stuff out*
I didn't faint. My eyes just glazed over a bit after watching the movie twice.

What remains, Joe?

*Joe turns into a penguin*

However did THAT happen?
See? If there are no rules, everybody suffers. Now be a good penguin and run along.

Only joking. You're not a penguin, and that preposterous rewrite is not reality. It's an attempted rewrite, and a fuzzy and inconsistent one at that. Just please don't make me watch it a third time. That handheld camera stuff makes me carsick.