h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

<...Unfortunately for Giguschild, most of the baking soda darts struck him in the head, so consequently most of the airbubbles were concentrated in the joints of his upper-body (neck, shoulders, jaws, etc.). So while compressing his joints DID force out the bubbles, SOME of those bubbles were forced - not into his lungs for harmless extraction - but into the HEAD CAVITY of his exoskeleton. Thus, a number of delicate capilaries around Gigus's "brain" are ruptured...>

<...He begins staggering blindly as he suffers the xenomorph equivalent of a massive stroke...>

Zeb(slapping Emar's face): C'mon! *SMACK* Wake up! *SMACK*SMACK* It's too late in the game for me to get another celeb replacement!!

Emar:...huh...wuh?

*sea sighs and heals emar*

[sea] you know, giguschild, if you continue to break continuity, i will be forced to kill you. two can play at that game.

Yowsas. Not to mention, Ow.

Staggering wantonly, Giguschild knocks into walls and people, carreering blindly. Eventually he is arrested by the police for being drunk and disorderly, disturbing the peace, and committing assualt with a sharp object. He is transported to a holding cell, where his body goes into temporary hibernation to deal with the difficult task of expelling the carbon dioxide and repairing the damaged joints and arteries.

[and he'll be back in about ten days]

*while flying backwards at a comically slow speed, UH withdraws an air pillow and places it carefully under his head. As he drifts backwards past Zeb, he grabs the little puppet from emar fingertips and uses him to wipe his nose. For he has a cold. He then withdraws a big magnum, and shoots yowuzupman in both feet.*

*the camera filming all this action pans over to NYC, who can be seen relaxing in a fold-up recliner eating popcorn... until he looks at the camera and suddenly remembers what it was he was supposed to do*

ow, my feet!

<...Just as he finishes shooting Yowuzup, the full pain of it hits him. He immediately drops his guns and puts his hands over his face. He starts running in circles, screaming "AAAUUUGH!! AAAAAUUGH!! MY SEPTUM IS ON FIRE!!(note that he doesn't enunciate this as clearly as I have typed it here, since he has a cold and all)...>

<...Emar, meanwhile, has retreived Zeb. The malicious puppet, justifiably pissed at having been used in snot-removal, takes this opportunity to fire the Armory-Boy's one remaining weapon: The potato gun...>

<...The starchy-projectile smacks Uncle Heavy with mighty force. It hits him squarely on the back of his hands, which, since they were covering his face, are mashed extremly hard into his tender proboscis. (When you were little, did you ever fall for the "I can make your hand smell like cherries" or "If your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer" gags? The same method of attack is being applied here.>

*sea grimaces*

[evillene] that HAD to hurt...

*NYC returns to his fold-up recliner*

I guess I don't actually have to do anything here...

*NYC pulls out three hand grenades and starts juggling*

*evillene grabs one of the grenades, pulls the pin, and tosses it back to NYC*

*a door swings open and gaarge swaggers back into the room. On his stomache is criss-crossed multiple scars and tire tracks. His face is worn flat and blackend. Behing gaarge there trails a rope, on which is tied a mans head, with fifty dollar bill shoved in his mouth (just for effect).*
I'm gonna-
*the rest of the words were lost in the confusion as gaarge rips Emars body into six parts. Gaarge then, rather quieter, and covered in more blood, runs outside and starts talking with lots of long-haul lorry drivers. After lots of talk, and with his pockets lightened, gaarge walks back into the room, with zeb tucked neatly onto his hand.*
[Zeb]: Gees gaarge, it sure is swell to be on someone else's hand.

Zeb: Hey, Gaarge, you DO realize that I, Zeb, am a split personality of Emar, projected psuedo-magically through this puppet, don't you? Killing Emar will render me inoperative. Lucky for me that a few parts of Emar's brain must still be functioning, so I can continue to live. And, not that I CARE about that spandex-clad acrobat, or anything, but why did you try to kill HIM? Emar is very mild mannered...

<...at this point, the team of TRUCK("lorry"? Okay, granted you Brits may have the more elegant accent, but your terminology is pretty weak. It lacks zing.)drivers reappears, grab Gaarge, and remove Zeb. As one of the Big-Rig truckers places Zeb on his own hand...>

Zeb(continuing): IT IS **I**, ZEB, WHO IS THE PSYCHOTIC VILLAIN!!

Gaarge(shouting at truckers): HEY!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING FOR ME!!

Zeb: I was able to DOUBLE your bribes to them, fool! They work for ME, now, and their first instructions are to lash you to their trucks and have you drawn and quartered! MUHWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Gaarge(to Zeb): Why are you doing this?! We could've been a team!!

Zeb: BECAUSE YOU DARED GIVE **EMAR** CREDIT FOR **MY** VILLAINY!! **I** bit the hole in your torso! **I** tied your intestine to a van! **I** forked over the fifty to have you dragged at high speeds! Me! ME!! MEEEEEEEEEEEE!! AND YOU BLAME THAT WUSSY **EMAR** FOR IT ALL?!!

<...having spent most of his money and being no match for the burly teamsters, Gaarge is unable to fight or bribe his way out of his predicament. The truck-drivers (minus the one operating Zeb) drag a struggling Gaarge the Great out into the parking lot for his gruesome fate...>





<...A minute later, the revving of truck engines, a high-pitched scream, and a splattering noise are heard from outside...>

Zeb: Let that be a lesson to you all: ZEB is the criminal, here! Emar is there for brute manual labor (and playing the straight-man) ONLY!

Teamster(holding bag of Emar's assorted body parts): Speakin' of Emar, where do ya want him?

Zeb: Just stick 'im in the corner over ther...

*sea winces at the pile of emar parts*

[sea] zeb, hon, why don't you just find a way to separate yourself from him? install a chip in his brain and build yourself a badass cyborg body or something.

*NYC stares at the three grenades in his hands, and quickly puts them into evillene's purse (left conveniently lying around), and walks away looking innocent*

*evillene doesn't notice until it is too late. she laments the battered remains of her purse*

[evillene] nooooooo! my brand new $300 estee lauder lip laquer is RUINED!!!!!!!!!

*evillene tackles NYC and starts to strangle him. sea shakes her head*

[sea] never destroy a girl's favorite lip laquer...

Zeb: Naahh...human hands are clammy ENOUGH. Cyborg parts are composed of cold metal. Why, on a cold January day, my inner felt lining would freeze to it. Oh, the indignation of it!...










Zeb:...But, a baddass cyborg body for EMAR....Now THAT'S an idea! I'm gonna need to set up a secret lab in an old German castle to do it, though...

*NYC can't say much in his defense, so he settles for trying to tap out his message in morse code on evillene's forehead*