h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Wanted superheros? where? When? Who?]

*UH, conveniently ignored for the best part of 15 postings surreptitiously picks himself up. ~But he then decides to sit down again, throwing meths onto the roasting NYC.*

[A lot of toasting goes on round here, wouldn't you say?]

*NYC, before collapsing due to extreme pain, hugs Uncle Heavy*

Giguschild, still sitting on his haunches, suddenly gets a grip on continuity and remembers that he is still on fire. He reaches up and holds his burning hand under the fire alarm, setting off the sprinklers. This extinguishes him and NYC, and gets everyone else wet.

*NYC realizes what was once an attack on UH now looks like a compromising situation, and lets go. he then kicks UH back and arcs a blaze of his readily available uzi across UH, effectively burning small holes in the boy Heavy's tux and staining it with blood*

NYC hasn't noticed Giguschild sneaking up behind him, clinging to the wall...Giguschild reaches down and grabs NYC's injured ankles, pulling them 8 ft into the air. He then ties the laces of NYC's brogues onto a low-hanging pipe, leaving the cynical student dangling helplessly. NYC's sweater hangs down and cover's his eyes, whereupon he fires randomly, twisting around slowly. He hits the wall, the cieling, and then evillene, in the thigh. Yowsas.

[NYC doesn't have a sweater; he has a long-sleeve shirt, but otherwise that's fine]

*NYC gets the bright idea to take out his pocket knife and cut his shoelaces apart, and he does so, dropping him 8 feet head-first onto the floor*

OOF!

yowsas.

The Tux! You...ripped...the...TUX! Aargh.
*Takes NYC onto a table in the corner of the room and straps him down. Activates a laser which is minutes away from NYC's groin, and moving slowly upwards.*

[James Bond, are we?]

*NYC takes a quarter from his pocket, flips it into the laser beam, which deflects it to hit the straps keeping NYC on the table. NYC then slides of the table, and lands on the floor*

Off of which he is promtly swept by Giguschild, who swings him by the ankles into the wall.

*KerSCHPLANK!*

Yowsas!

<...Now back in the forum, Zeb/Emar survey the scorched and mangled remains of Zeb's Armory-Boy 2000®...>

Zeb: Okay, Gaarge is outta the way, but I STILL owe Guischild some pain!

Emar: You know, I think he injured me WAY more than he did you (Which is really not fair. I'M not the evil one; It's the puppet! THE PUPPET!).

Zeb: Okay then, do YOU want to exact revenge on him instead?

Emar: Uhhhh...that's really okay...you go ahead and do it. Byt the way, how much is left of your big honkin' gun?

Zeb: Not much. All I've got to work with right now is the tranquilizer rifle and the potato gun.

Emar: That doesn't sound like the kinda arsenal you want when facing a Xenomorph.

Zeb: Well, our prospects are better than they sound; I'm refilling the tranquilizer darts with baking soda. It's a little trick I learned watching Bill Nye.

Emar: Bill Nye took down an Alien with baking soda?

Zeb: No...He showed kids how to inflate a homemade weather balloon...But it works on the same principle...

Emar: Oh, by the way Zeb, you might wanna fire your gun NOW...I think Giguschild noticed that you typed his name wrong...

Zeb: OKAY YOU ACID BLOODED FREAK!! FEEL THE WRATH OF THE NUTRALIZATION OF SODIUM BICARBONATE!!

Emar: That wasn't really a very catchy action-phrase.

Zeb: Shut up!

*sea sighs. evillene can heal herself, if she should so choose, so sea heals NYC (she's not sure if he needed it, but just in case)*

*evillene is sitting on the floor, in the middle of a bright visible red pool of blood pouring from her leg, taking deep, angry breaths. she seems to be building up a fine rage*

*sea notices evillene and her eyes widen to roughly the size of saucers. she begins to back away, pulling NYC and emar/zeb with her*

[sea] FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!!!!
(or however you say it)

*evillene stands up and screams with rage, before jumping up, drawing her sword, and swinging wildly at giguschild. he is left with several nasty gashes on his arms and head*

wow........ kinda like in blade, the vampire blood boiling darts....................kewl

Giguschild looks derisively down at the inconsequential wounds. (Actually he doesn't as he has no eyes, but it has the desired effect). The blood oozing from them hisses and bubbles slightly, and then dies down again. He laughs, again derisively.

"Heh, heh, heh...I don't think ssso, guyss. Concentrated molecular acid versus bicarbonate of sssoda? Didn't you pay attention in chemistry class? Jussst think about the mol ratios..."

While Zeb and Emar wrack their brains, trying to remember all that stuff, Giguschild whips Zeb out of Emar's hand, and uses him to wipe the blood off of his wounds. Then he gives the fizzling Zeb back to Emar, whose hand starts to wither and crackle.

He HAS noticed Evillene running up behind him, and somersaults over Emar's head. Evillene doesn't have time to stop and Emar is run through by what looks like a floating sword.

"Yowsers, Batman!" proclaims Robin, in a completely different and unrelated time and space...

*While the assembled ranks of villains look on, UH takes the opportunity to tie all their shoe laces together.*

Zeb(to Giguschild): I was fully aware that baking soda wasn't gonna neutralize concentrated hydroflouric acid. And I DIDN'T have to wrack my brain to understand what you were talking about when you mentioned molarity ratios. I paid attention in Chemistry 1. Now, if YOU had paid attention during BIOLOGY class, you would realize that the carbon dioxide bubbles created by the reaction of baking soda with your blood, though only a tiny amount, have an INTERESTING effect within. your circulatory system. All those bubbles should quickly collect in you joints. I didn't need to neutralize your blood, I just needed to cause a little something we humans (and shrews) call "the Bends."

<...Giguschild collapses in pain as all of his joints involuntarily twist inward...>

Zeb: Well, that takes care of him! Let's go, Emar...

<...As they start walking, Emar/Zeb fall face first onto the floor, Emar's shoes tied together.>

This impact drives the sword even further through Emar's heart and causes HIM to collapse (more than he already is) in pain. Zeb tries to withdraw the sword but his already acid-weakened arms fall off onto the floor, with a small *splut*.

Giguschild gets up, the pain gone as the chitin around his joints adjusts to exert more pressure on the affected arteries, compressing the blood and getting rid of the air bubbles. Giguschild's complex lung system quickly draws the carbon dioxide out of his blood... Giguschild burps. Uncle heavy slaps him for not having forseen the consequences of the baking soda thang.

*NYC would have his shoes tied together once more, had he not cut the shoelaces a bit earlier. what NYC does do would be more in the field of putting on a gas mask*

ugh, god! Giguschild, next time you do that, can you please do it OUTSIDE? I try to keep a CLEAN bloodbath running!

*with that comment, NYC takes out a slightly pockmarked aluminum baseball bat with red tinge at the end, and proceeds to sneak up and crack Uncle Heavy's skull with it*

*swing* *CRACK*

*and an evil grin embarks on NYC's face*

*SMACKSMACKSMACK*

Hmmm...hasn't...? No? Oh well, never mind then...