h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Zeb: OKAY!! Got the weapon assembled!

Emar: That's a weapon?! It looks like an amalgam of gun barrels and military scrap. Sure, it looks dangerous, but it's a "you'll put an eye out with those pointy metal things" kind of dangerous. It doesn't look like it could actually SHOOT.

Zeb: SILENCE!!...I will not hear another word against my Armory-Boy 2000®. I'll have you know that this little baby has all the capabilities of a small military detatchment...God, I love the Second Amenment!

Emar: A single weapon that tries to do the job of a small army? Isn't that rather...awkward? I mean, look at the levers on that thing! It looks like it got fused with the handlebars of a buncha 10-speed bikes!

Zeb: Okay, so it has all the capabilities of an extremely clumsy and ineffecient military detatchment, but STILL...

[My claws are indestructible. In that you cannot break them. Fo']

*Uncle's real claws shoot out, having discarded the expanded polystyrene mock ups that evilene most thoughtlessly trashed. He slaps her.*

*While Zeb is looking the other way, Uncle crams the puny form of NYC down the big gun's barrel. He sniggers and looks innocent.*

Zeb(trying to pull one of the Amory-Boy's many levers): Hmmm, there appears to be some blockage in the micro-bazooka chamer! Oh well, I'll just have to switch to the One-guage shotgun...!

Uncle Heavy: Hold on! What's that noise!

All the insane action stops for a few seconds as a rapidly approaching rattling noise echoes around the forum.

Zeb:Uh... *fiddles nervously with the levers on the gun. A small explosion sounds several miles away* oh damn...

NYC pulls a small beeping machine from his pocket. *You are overweight!* It says. He now pulls the beeping machine he wanted from his other pocket.
NYC: Now there's a thing...

Sea isn't paying attention; instead she is trying to wrest evillene's sword from her. All the while the rattling has been getting louder, and has been developing into more of a scuttling noise.

Zeb:You know -

At that moment a grating on the floor behind him is ripped open and a bluish-grey figure catapualts out from the ventilation system and onto the cieling. The creature is all teeth, claws, ripping spines and nasty bits. The elongated head homes in on Zeb as the Xenomorph comes in aid of Uncle Heavy ----

Zeb: Hold on...why is it wearing a suit, and Oakleys...?

But that is all he has time to say as Giguschild pounces from the cieling baring his befanged jaws. He lands neatly on Emar's shoulders, snatching Zeb and balancing him on the tip of his tail.

Zeb: A-

Giguschild throws uhim up in the air, whips around (taking Emar with him), and whacks the small puppet with his tail. Zeb flies into the jam jar head first and is stuck. Giguschild leaps off Emar's shoulders, knocking the super-villainous puppeteer to the ground in the process. Emar snatches the multi-gun and tries to bring it to bear, squeezing off an oversized-shotgun blast from one of the barrels...but Giguschild has already leapt at NYC.
Sharp claws reach deep into the student's pockets and with a rip, tear out the bottoms. Two piles of junk and crude weaponry fall to the floor by NYC's feet. Giguschild hisses loudly and bares his teeth, his secondary jaw snapping at NYC's face...luckily for him, Sea rushes in with evillene's sword.
She raises her arm for a slicing stroke down the Xenomorph's back, but just in time Giguschild leaps onto the cieling. Sea's sword makes a long tear in NYC's shirt, at which he swears noisily. Giguschild throws himself up off the pipe he was sitting on and into some obscure conduit, leading back towards his lair. The pipe ruptures with the weight, spewing liquid nitrogen all over sea and NYC. Sea manages to jump out of the way, but NYC's brogues become frozen to the floor; his feet swell up with the cold and stick solid. Uncle Heavy rushes towards them as they collect themselves...

Gaargethegreat enters into the confines of the fighting arena.
"Hello,"he says,"has anyone seen a certain Uncle Heavy, I'm looking to joins a certain guild alled CHOP-"
Gaarge is knocked off his feet by a certain spiky alien creature. As he gets to his feet gaarge thinks:
"How queer" and then proceeds to get up.
Then the arduous process of being heard is adhered to, but the people in the room will not have any of it. They are all so noisy!
"Oh well" gaarge says to himself.
Gaarge makes his way to leave the scene when he catches sight of a shiny object. "What luck" he says to himself "a pair of Oakley's sunglasses. Someone must have dropped them."
Therefore, with a spirit new-inspired, the lonely Gastrophrantabulite joins in with the fray!

Yes. Here are my loyal sidekicks. I thought I'd even the odds.
*sits back and produces some bread and pate. Commences eating*

Obviously, I can sit back and rush at you at the same time. My, erm, haha, mistake.

*NYC looks confused as to his next move, but unfreezing his feet would help*

umm, sea? sea?!

Ha, take this you evil fiend!
*Gaarge produces a large metal and spiky obect out of his back pocket and proceeds to reduce NYCs legs to a pile of bloodied ice cubes.*

And that was just about when I started to play with the ninth symphonic orchestra concerned with the city of Direngatar. Have I ever told you I am a real Gastrophrantrabulite?
*Gaarge sidles up to a nearby piano, and starts to play Bach*

Ah this is the life!

*With an air of calm about him Gaarge stops, and re-adjusts his newly found sun glasses, so that they sit upon the bridge of his nose. In doing this Gaarge evoked a sense of awe, which was felt by both friend and foe*

*Having re-adjuted his shades Gaarge then starts to play some jazz, inspired by one of his favourite musicians, Oscar Peterson.*

*NYC, in incredible pain from have his legs... mangled... is at least in reach of his pile of weapons on the floor. he reaches for the two uzis*

take this, you no-good do-gooders!

*NYC, in a last-ditch effort, lets loose with a blaze of gunfire, one bullet of which breaks the lenses of Gaarge's newfound sunglasses; a few more which render UH's food inedible*

RATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATAT....

*Gaarge removes the now broken sun glasses. He calmly walks over to NYC and helps him to his stumps.*
I'm so sorry old bean, I didn't mean to hurt you.

[NYC is taken in by this sudden bought of kindness, when suddenly]

YO UDIRTY MOTHERF UCKING TWAThow DARE you TOUCH, let alone BREAK MY NEW found GLASSES!

*gaarge grabs NYC's head and smacks it repeatedly upon the piano. Blood pours from NYCs eys nose and mouth*

surely he'll die pretty soon...

*NYC elbows Gaarge in the gut, and Gaarge lets go, causing NYC to fall to the floor. NYC remembers at this point that his legs are in NO condition for walking, and settles for pulling the pin out of the grenade in his hand*

*smile* no hard feelings.

*NYC shakes Gaarge's hand; the room decends into a smoke-filled chaos, clouding over everything*

*gaarge calmly and collectedly wipes the blood and grime from across his face. He then runs away like the real coward he is.*

*NYC, unable to accomplish much, stays on his back staring up at the ceiling, hoping somebody will peel him off the floor*

BUT HE WILL RETURN, OH YES, HE WILL RETURN!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*As gaarge ran away into the mist his silouette could be seen quite clearly, swaying and lurching. Howvever, after a short time his silouette was soon shrouded, and then only his laughter was heard,which was chilling to the bone and regular as a clock.*

*The magnificent exit is lost on NYC, as the grenade's explosion has him in shock, and he is still as yet facing the ceiling for an indefinite period of time. He DOES, however, manage to elicit a few words on his behalf, but they are so faint nobody can hear them*

[Vekura] {To prove that we are better than you bad guys ...}

[She waves her hand and NYC is completely healed of everything, including loss of legs]

well, THAT was utterly... confusing...

*NYC picks himself up, and notices that his shirt is still ripped, and his pockets still gutted*

aww...

*NYC slumps over on the remains of the piano*