h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*NYC survey the situation*

wow. the only one left is the boy Heavy...

*NYC walks up to where Uncle Heavy is on the floor, and whacks him a couple of times with the stock of the handheld howitzer*

this is quite stress-reducing, you know. sea? you should try this!

*NYC gives the howitzer to sea, she takes a few whacks*

*NYC reads gaarge's post*

that didn't hurt hardly at all! oh well...

*NYC aims the handheld howitzer at gaarge, and sprays his innards over the wall, the piano, and everywhere else*

note to self: next time wear goggles.

.................wow...................... most interesting

[sea] tisk tisk. everyone is in need of my healing.

*gives NYC a kiss but waits on healing gaarge until she checks another forum*

Zeb: Ain't that just the way?!! We go camping for a couple days, and when we log back on we find we've missed all the action!

Emar: And I got a wedgie while I was unable to defend myself!

Zeb: Well, since I missed out on all the fun, I'm takin' Gaarge's PANCREAS as compensation!



Zeb(looking at card): You wouldn't believe some of the stuff that was down in there!

Gaarge's pancreas is, at the moment, sliding down the wall a few feet away.

*Curls up under NYC's blows, until he notices a pattern. On the upswing, UH grasp's NYC's ankle in his teeth, refusing to let go.*

MMf.MMMMFFFFF. MMHUMM. MFHU.

Giguschild picks up Gaarge's liver for later use. Then he takes the rest of his internal organs and carefuly slides them back into Gaarge. Gaarge responds by playing an annoyed fugue on his pocket piano.

*gaarge lies on the floor playing a pocket piano. He stands up, covered in blood, intestines dragging along the floor. Gaarge goes up to Zeb*
I'll teach you to claim to have stolen my pancreas, and then to steal one of my baseball cards!
*Gaarge grabs zeb and shoves him into Emar's mouth, making both of them suffocate, and lie on the floor, choking and bleeding. Gaarge then picks up Zeb and Emar, and makes a noose out of his own intestines, and hangs them.
Gaarge then lies down on the floor, in complete agony, and thinks,
"why didn't I use their intestines?"*

*NYC flails his leg wildly, but Heavy won't give up his grip. NYC tries to kick Heavy with his other foot, but misses and falls over comedically*

[NYC] would you mind, Uncle Heavy, NOT to froth all over my new boots?

[UH] MMMMMMFHU MMMMMff MMhuuHUHUUuu...

[NYC] fine, have it your way.

*NYC takes out a cattle prod, and shocks Heavy. This, of course, only makes Heavy's grip tighten and shocks NYC as well, tightening HIS grip on the cattle prod, ending up in a very painful loop*

Giguschild leaps into the foray to help Uncle Heavy, and tries to wrest the prod from NYC. The entire 800 volts earth itself through the Xenomorphs body, shortcircuiting his complex electromagnetic nervous system. Giguschild lands on the floor with a thump, twitching and rolling like a breakdancer with multiple sclerosis.

*sea rolls her eyes. she grabs a broom (handy, eh?) and nudges the three electrified guys away from each other, then confiscates the cattle prod. then she unties emar and zeb from gaarge's intestines, and heals everyone except giguschild because he can heal himself and who knows what weird kinds of acid might be on his skin. sea dusts off her hands and looks at the six battered men before her*

[sea] now, you boys play nice.

*they groan in response*

thanks, sea.

*NYC, struck with an idea, leaves the forum to get more weaponry. He comes back with a flame-thrower strapped to his back*

okay, you acid-blooded son-of-a-disgusting-putrid-weird-alien-creature! let's see you get through this!

*sea decides this would be a good time to stand back*

*tosses sea a pair of goggles*

safety first!

*NYC ignites the room*

*sea pulls out her sunscreen to prevent skin cancer*

Apologies for having broken continuity with the whole pancreas thing; I kinda skimmed the backlog, so I missed some of the details. But, the show must go on!

Zeb: IT'S PAYBACK TIME GAARGE!! YOU WANNA PLAY ALL GOREY AND DISGUSTING?! WELL THAT'S FINE WITH ME!!



Zeb: Now THIS is how you fight using someone's intestinal tract...!

<...Zeb and Emar immediately run out of the building, carrying the free end of Gaarge's digestive organ. The rest of it slowly winds out of Gaarge like a fishing line...>

<...Outside, in the blazing sun, Emar/Zeb race across the dusty CHOPPERS parking lot. They spot a nearby delivery van parked at the loading dock and head toward it. Skidding to a halt, Zeb stoops down and ties the end of Gaarge's intestine in a clove-hitch around the van's bumper. Then they dash over to the front of the van, to have a word with the Teamster in the driver's seat...>

<...Gaarge, meanwhile, is left standig around, looking down at the long coil of innard extending out of his stomach...>

Gaarge: Aaaaaawwwww man...I hope that stinking puppet doesn't do something cheap and cartoony like tie me to a fast movin-...

<...and Gaarge flies out of the forum!>





<...With Zeb's fifty tucked safely away in his billfold, the van-driving Teamster speeds down the freeway, making sure to take curves hard and change lanes often (thus ensuring maximum whiplash effect and collisions with other vehicles for the hero in tow).>

*sea shudders at the thought of gaarge's fate, then gives zeb a high-five*

[sea] brilliant! i can see i'm not the only one who watches too much TV...

Giguschild, covered in long-burning napalm, leaps onto NYC and grabs the flamethrower. He carefully squeezes the air out of the squeezy bottle of napalm attached thereto, and then lets go, which sucks air in through the muzzle, which he is pointing at himself. The backdraft sucks burning hot air into the canister...hurreidly, Giguschild throws the flamethrower back to NYC and runs away...fast.


*KA-BSHWOOMM!!*

*flying in from a far off star, it's Grammar Boy!*

*reaching into his trusty pocket protector, Grammar Boy pulls out a red pen, wildly flashes it about, stepps back, and admires his work:

WANTED : Super Heroes

Hmm. I see.

*Sits on haunches and watches NYC buuuuurn...*