h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The ideal place to plot the ultimate evil is somewhere that looks innocuous from the outside, where you can sit comfortably with a mug of tea and not be pestered by anyone, somewhere exactly like a garden shed. Real evil geniuses don't need vast banks of computers or a Dr Strangelove-style War Room. Nope. Just a place to sit and think should be enough if you're really serious about getting some evil done.

True that George Bush almost certainly doesn't have a garden shed, and probably wouldn't know what to do with one if he did, but I have a strong suspicion that he may have been conceived in one, and that Ma Bush was pre-occupied more with thoughts of garden gnomes and aphid powder than of George Senior at the moment of his conception.

Yep, for my money the best place to be an evil genius would be a cozy garden shed, where you could sit back and watch the wheels fall off the world without batting an eye or lifting a finger, while office blocks and palaces collapse into rubble and the puny humans shoot each other in the foot, not realising that they are all minions of one sort or another, serving the same evil purpose, regardless of the uniforms they happen to be wearing; that everything they do is for the worst, the absolute worst; that nothing they can do is going to make a darned bit of difference to the final outcome; and that no one is going to miss them when they're gone.

... but most garden sheds are just pleasant places to hang out, or, at worst, places to store tools.

... And not all gardeners are evil geniuses or super villains, of course.

" ... the best place to be an evil genius would be a cozy garden shed, where you could sit back and watch the wheels fall off the world without batting an eye or lifting a finger, while office blocks and palaces collapse into rubble and the puny humans shoot each other in the foot ..."

Somehow this brings to mind the Unabomber's shack in Montana. OK, it reportedly was not too cozy, and he got involved with the foot-shooting part, but still ...

You could build your lair UNDER the garden shed.

That's why I call mine "the Plotting Shed"...
(I like the tunnelling underneath idea. I might have to work on that.)

Specifically, my plan involves infiltrating society with a network of fanatical geek-girl minions (all wearing glasses with built in web-cams and communication devices built into the frames) working as librarians, pharmacists, research-chemists and cellists.
(Other clothing would include interesting studenty-clothing, labcoats and
I would use these spies to gather information and to broadcast the truth that the Geeks shall inherit the earth.
Eventually, those who fail to accept this ideal and join my work freely will either
1) be banished to a small (and inevitably overcrowded) island
2) be forced to work as slaves to provide for the lavish lifestyle of myself and other esteemed members of the geek elite
or 3) be re-processed into cat-food, kebab-meat and glue.

I am currently developing a range of doomsday devices and smaller weaponry to achieve my ends. I'm not planning on using any huge military-scale hardware, merely a fleet of VW microbuses - we've got a budget to stick to y'know.

And I'm practising my manic laughter.

Incidentally, as a volcanophobe - I would definitely NOT use a volcano as a secret base - those things give me the willies!

Can I join you, I'm no geek I'm a chef, can I be your Henchwoman, I want to start slow and overthrow my boss who's an idiot


Let me be your Henchwoman

Excellent! My first recruit! Heh!

My plot to get rid of my boss is blackmail, If that doesn't work, stripped naked with an apple in his mouth and tied to one of the dinner trollies

I work in a hospital

Preferably C3's as that ward is full of women

Steve K, that insight is spooky! I was actually thinking of the Unabomber's shack as I was posting that stuff about sheds last night.

'A Plotting Shed!... Zounds! I wish I'd thought of that... and geek-girl minions!

... or maybe , or even ...

I think I have found the inevitable and ultimately fatal flaw in the design of your evil lair. It is horribly vulnerable to garden make-overs. Agent Dimmock (would that be double-D 7) will disguise herself as on of your most trusted minions and you will soon find yourself badly decked.

Agent Dimmock (would that be double-D 7)



It's the inbuilt bazooka's I'd worry about

I think you'll find that there is a surprisingly sophisticated defence mechanism, designed specifically to thwart (and possibly compost) visiting TV garden gurus, colour supplement columnists or anyone with pretentious ideas about garden design.

You see, although my garden shed (assuming for the moment that the shed in question is, in fact, mine; and on the clear understanding that I firmly and unequivocally deny having any inclination towards evil deeds, planetary conquest, or megalomaniac desires to be surrounded by hundreds, if not thousands, of gorgeous, pouting geek-girl minions) seems to exist discreetly in a quiet corner of an ordinary-seeming garden, a close inspection by anyone with even the slightest claim to good taste or design sense will immediately cause a complete sense of dislocation, disorientation, dizziness and nausea, and the irresistible compulsion to go somewhere trendy and consume insane quantities of overpriced cocktails with rude-sounding names.

Garden sheds are really not to be underestimated.

Your pagoda is nothing compared to mine Dark Lord Titchmarsh...

Don't forget his minions Darth Dimmock and Grand Moff Walsh

Or Der Moth Gavin who is vying to take the Dark Lords place. All those contrete structures, mirrored eggs and spaceships! Definately a man with ideas of world domination.

I am not currently in position of a shed but rest assured when I get myself upgraded and out of this propagator I shall have world domination

Oh yes

Ha! You can't possibly compete with my high-tech meristamatic minion culture.

Ah ha
simplicity is the way
I have doors that go swish, a big flashing thing that goes ping and to top it all .....

A twisty chair