h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

/Looks up at Mr Smart, and smiles. Tremulously, yet bravely. A few latant tears sparkle on the ends of her eyelashes./

Oh Sir... /She begins, just before she is hit by a small intent reindeerdog intent on licking her all over/

Umph. Urk. Ohhh. That tickles.

/Giggles/

*whilst keeping a look out for the herrings, failed to notice the table and was caught on his firm chin by the final swing*

*the knight ends up sprawled on the floor*

*Jumps up and down in excitement at all the slapstick goings on. Unfortunately this is enough to set off the trebuchet hairtrigger. While there is nothing in the bucket to be launched anywhere the recoil sends the Squirrel hurtling through the air to land slap bang in the middle of the remains of the cake*
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Oof! ... Hmmm, nice cake.

*the string quartet begins playing "Abide With Me"*

*gets splattered by *

Delicious!

Would someone be so kind as to remove this lemp from my che-hest. I have been pinioned. Yes.

/* Squirrel? Flying?! Cake?!!!!!! */



So fickle, leaving a woman for a squirrel.

*Approaches the Inspector while digging into his pants pocket, eventually maneuvering a large spanner out*

I'll bet you thought I was happy to see you, didn't you. Allow me, monsieur.

*Gets a good grip on the lamp, places one foot on Clouseau's chest and gives a might yank, dislodging the lamp. The recoil sends Plum tumbling backwards.*

/Rushes to Monsieur Clouseau's aid and clasps him to her tightly, whilst removing cake from her hair./

Monsieur? Can you hear me? Please say that you are quite well? I was hoping you could tell me more about these (in)famous Lurkers that Mr Holmes referred to. They sound quite awfully scary you see.

*lurches off the hanging table and clomps over to the fountain, where she works off the padded trousers to reveal a simple pair of black satin palazzo trousers*

*washes her face and hands in the fountain*

*wipes off a little that the reindeer missed*

Reminds me of my English Mastiff, very useful when you need a quick wash and brush up.

Shall I seek out these Lurkers and run them through with my greatsword?

*Burrows hastily through the cake to escape the attentions of the reindeer eventually coming up *CLONK* against the baseboard*

Yes, Madame Umbra, I am unhermed. I will protect you from cette lurkers - stay away from the fountaine, I have heard some of them are fish from the dipths of the sea.

*Walks over and examines the fallen light fixture.*

Aha! Just as I suspected. The old half-sawn-through light support chain trick. Second time I've fallen for that this week.

Fortunately, Kitty wasn't harmed, but we need to find the answers to some questions. Such as, Was it intended that the light was to fall on Kitty? If so, how could the culprit know that Kitty would be under it when the chain broke? If not, what purpose could the culprit have? Who would have reason to terrorize us so? Will the cake be replaced?

Pfft - pffft - pffft

*discovers that he is trying to smoke an unlit pipe*

*stashes it away in his pocket*

I think it might have been meant as a diversion - but for what I do not know - yet

*scrutinizes the guests one after one, eyes narrowed*

/Surveys the ruins of her exquisite toilette with dismay. Considers fainting in horror again/

/Opening eyes wide in a blatant parade of total and complete innocence/ But why would anyone wsh to harm me?

It does seem unbelievable, Miss Kitty.

But I shall protect you!

*draws his greatsword from his backscabard*

*Emerges from the far end of the cake, covered in icing and fruit and such like but looking remarkably content*
Burp!!
This costume is not going to last much longer if I keep eating like this.

/* Pops up from eating the cake under the table to give the squirrel a good lick, then runs around the room excited that he finally caught one. */

*returns to the refreshments table in the suite where she hopes she will be safe from further mishap*

There is a point where we ought to have a formal unveiling, unless someone thinks we should attempt some accusations. Perhaps we should obtain refreshments and step through to the drawing room at the other side of this suite, and see if we can identify the remainder of the guests?