h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

~"Monty" dies, but not before the above typo is corrected: That should have been Retarc Labs. Sorry about that. Sometimes I just can't spell. It is discovered, after Monty's death, that this particular android *does* come from Retarc Labs, and not Crater Labs.~

{And what does Bob Dylan have to do with the Legend of Zelda?}

Ooh! I know! I know! Go to YK's front page, and look at the disclaimer just above the Message Centre. It says, "Missing: IRL identity" I think.

*Examines the dead Montressor*

Hey, this android does come from Retarc Labs. It's not Montressor at all! It must be Rossertnom, a cheap imitation.

So, I wonder whatever happened to the real Montressor.

*GL turns around to see the bomb-proof door of the bridge close shut, locking out everyone but Peet and whoever closed the door.*


There ya go, Peet. If you want to spring your long-arranged plan, you can have Montressor in there with you. If not, it can just be a red-shirted extra that pressed the wrong button.

[Bridge]
* Peet ducks behind another console as Montressor drops down from the ventilation system and closes the blast shields over the vent. The huge robot seems intent on doing something with the science console, and hasn't spied Peet... Yet...

*Thinks* Eeek!

* Peet peeps round the console at the back of the huge robot. It dwarfs the console it is bending over, and its fingers move in a blur over the controls.

*Thinks* Eeek!
(It's hard to be original when you're trying to avoid soiling yourself!)

* A small, intermittently blinking red light between the armour plates at the back of Montressor's neck catches Peet's eye. Something seems familiar about it. At about this moment, both Montressor and Peet are distracted by a loud banging noise as someone tries to open the main doors to the bridge...

*Futilely bangs on the main bridge doors *

[YK] I'll handle this.

[He raises his lightsaber and then realizes he's about to breach the one-post-solution rule]

[not to mention ruining a perfectly good set of bomb-proof doors ]

[Mew uses his psychic abilities to begin to open the door]

* Slowly, the significance of the red light dawns on Peet. He smiles, and ducks back behind the console, before rummaging through the detritus in his pockets.

[IRL, it's bedtime, so feel free to break in and distract Montressor until I have time to compose a longer posting... It's not that good a solution, but I think it works...]

None of that is gonna do any good, I was tinkering around with that particular system a while ago, It's Omni-Shielded©. Nothing can get through and the shield itself can't be turned off either, Only way to get to the bridge would be for someone to open the door from the inside.

Well, barring any odd quantum-dynamic multi-phase phenomena that could pass through or be created. Hmmm...

*As usual, Moose becomes completely distracted from the situation at hand. He pulls out a marker and begins writing formulae and drawing schema all over the wall, muttering to himself all the while.*

* Peet rummages quietly in his pockets and finds... A crumpled treaty.

* Thinks - "What *was* that all about?"

* He continues to rummage, until he pulls out (Ooooh - you have a dirty mind!) a small remote control with a big red button on it. He peeps round at Montressor, who is still preoccupied with the console, presses the button hard, and waits...

See: Mission to Zork (3) - Irving Found ( http://www.h2g2.com/F35868?thread=63565 ) Posts # 35, 112, 310, 487, (558), 684 and Mission to Zork (4b) - Mission to Rodentar ( http://www.h2g2.com/F35868?thread=82161 ) Post # 36

Mew!

* As Montressor continues to operate the console, the buzz of his fingers on the buttons starts to fall into a discernable rhythm. Monty pauses, and looks at his hands in puzzlement. He returns to the console, but the rhythm of the tapping becomes more and more pronounced. He pauses, looks at his hands again, shrugs and carries on. Slowly but inexorably, he begins to type in a perfect polka beat.

[Link hits the bomb-proof door and it opens all the way. Link jumps out, sword raised, drawing Montressor's attention to him instead of the controls. After a moment, it becomes clear that Montressor's attacks, while still a bit random, are definitely to a polka beat]

* Montressor pauses in mid-attack, and looks down at his right foot. The whirr of one of his power eyebrows being raised is clearly audible over the rhythmic tapping of the foot.

* As his hips start to sway from side to side, almost with a will of their own, an entirely new expression crosses Montressor's face. It's an expression he's never used before, but it's quite unmistakable. Panic.

* Monty's swinging hips collide with the environmental control console, crushing it completely. The metal ripples and folds, leaving the console with a passing resemblance to... an accordian...

* With an expression approaching sheer terror, Montressor picks up the corrugated console and begins to squeeze it. His feet start to dance to a tune which only he can hear.

* The environmental systems, now free of any form of controls, start to produce a light snowfall on the bridge. Peet shivers.

* Peet siezes the opportunity to sneak behind Montressor to the security panel and unlock the hatches to the ventilation system, thus freeing the other characters to participate...

Talk to me, people! I can keep this up all day if necessary...

* It's getting hazardous, as Montressor has dropped to a crouch and begun to dance in the traditional Cossack style. His flailing arms and kicking legs are sending delecate pieces of bridge instrumentation flying in all directions.

Ahhh. Perhaps this plan is beginning to show a few tiny flaws...

* As the navigation console clatters out into the corridor, the ship lurches to warp...

* Peet works his way round the outside of the Bridge, and makes a hasty exit through the now-open bomb doors. He passes Link, who says nothing as he seems to be entranced by Montressor's increasingly complex gyrations.

I'm off to the engine room to see if I can shut down the warp drive from there before we get into *real* trouble - just see if you can keep Montressor contained till his power source runs down. I'll explain all later...

* Peet heads to the engine room, pausing only briefly to chortle at the sight of Montressor breakdancing.