h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

* Peet picks Mew up, and tosses him back again as hard as he can. Purely as a distraction, of course...

*Affy shoots Montressor with the polka gun. Unfortunately, Montressor has learned a bit since his last battle with Affy, and blasts Affy with an equally powerful bolt of techno-rap. The soundwaves hit each other, and cause a brief rift in the space/time continuum, out of which come Dracula, It, Her, Them, The Blob, Frankenstein's Monster, The Mummy, a miniature Godzilla, and a very tiny Mothra. They are, of course, instantly destroyed by a passing copyright protection lawyer, who will play no further role in this story, under penalty of totemization. Suddenly, that off-hand comment gives Affy an idea*

Hey, we could Totemize it! Gary, does the Totemizer work on robots, or only living things?

*Decides he should start constructing one anyway, seeing as Gary has never played Zork: Grand Inquisitor, and probably doesn't know all of the ridiculously complicated procedures for usage of such a dangerous device*

Hmmmm. Might it be dangerous to build a totemizer in pre-Inquisition Zork. Oh, I just had a horrible thought. What if we do build one and somehow leave it here and it is found and becomes THE totemizer. What a nightmare - to be responsible for bringing into existence THE totemizer. Well, we'll just have to be very careful not to leave it here.

*rolls up sleaves*

Okay, then, let's get to it. In the meantime (since it could take a while to build one), something should be done about Montressor now. So, Peet, what have you got in mind for him?

*Opens the hatch and begins throwing the out onto the surface of Zork*

* After about a minute of shoveling to no effect, Garius realises the fish are just a mental projection coming from Mew, and shovels him out of the airlock instead...

* Peet starts turning out his pockets...

Ice cream spoons? Nope. Fluff? Hmmm.... Nah. Remote control? Mmmmmm, I wonder where that MP3 player went? Chewing gum wrappers? Now, there's a possibility...

* Peet piles the contents of his pockets on the table while continuing to mutter, oblivious to Montressor's approach...

Hey, I know it looks mean, but that's what you get for trying to solve a big puzzle in a single post!

[YK] Ow, I don't -- oh, nevermind.

[He makes a swing at Montressor with his lightsaber]

[YK] Ohhhh ... drat. He has cortosis armor!

[Link has quietly been backing away]

*Speaking to Gary (not sure if he's still inside or not*

Gary, this is *post* Inquisition, not *pre* Inquisition. Besides, the Totemizer was originally built by Duncanthrax, and so the plans to construct the Totemizer are already available for people to see, and...

*Narrowly ducks Montressor, who started targetting Affy as soon as he started getting into the long, boring, unrelevant issues of Zorkish history. Affy jumps behind a boiler, waits for Montressor to pass by, and Affy jumps out, pushing him into the unfinished Totemizer. Not knowing what this will do (seeing as an unfinished totemizer would be very unpredictable), he starts to back away. Unfortunately, Montressor shoots a strange energy beam at Affy, pulling him into the Totemizer as well. A few moments later, both Montressor and Affy fall out of the other end, seemingly unharmed. They both look around themselves, trying to peice together what happened. Their eyes meet*

Affy-Wait. New scenario. Attributes shifted. Consider possibilites...

*Montressor stares at Affy, and looks around, trying to peice together exactly what happened while they were in the machine. Montressor looks around, grabs Affy, and starts to push him back into the Totemizer*

Montressor-Okay, Monty! Back inside, we'll do it right this time!

* Peet, being deceptively quick on the uptake, intervenes and blocks the way

[To "Montressor"]Affy? If that's you, don't be bloody stupid! With that body we could infiltrate the bad guys! Ouch! Stop hitting me!

Shouldn't the "to" at the end of your nick read "too"?

Yes, it should.

*Looks at Peet through the dull eyes of Montressor*

Peet, don't go there. First of all, I was busy being behind the scenes at STUMPED during that whole Kyrlma Possesion thing. Second of all, I've been a robot before, and that's quite frankly an experience I'd rather *never* go through again, and would *never* want to even remember! This is too much like the last time for my comfort! Besides, while many of the STUMPED goons are a tad slow on the uptake, don't you think they'd find it odd that the Mangar was no longer being piloted by Affy? Sure, you could tell 'em that I was seriously injured by Monty, or something, but Red could see through that, even if all of the others could. In other words, thanks for the advice, but I'm *NOT* doing it!

*While he was speaking, Monty managed to sneak away*

Oh, darn. Okay, search the ship!

*Rushes down a corridor very quickly, hoping that he can hack into Monty's brain from the inside, and find some sort of neural shut-down code*

Just so everyone knows, this storyline is based on a plot that Jack Anthrax, writer of some of the best Zork fan fiction I've ever read, is working on as a possible future story. So, if you ever happen to read his story, don't say that he stole my idea, because it's actually the other way around.

That's his name, huh?

[YK] I speck.

[YC] The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

[YQ] See? Even in "CONTINUITY" we're being silly!


[Link bolts down the corridor after Montressor-In-Affy]

[YK] [to Affy-In-Montressor] What was the first one?

*GL changes to wolf form and bounds down the hallway in pursuit of Monty-in-Affy. On catching up, he grabs M-in-A's robes in his teeth and pulls him off his feet. He lands on his bum with a thump.*

[Link, who had just fired a Light Arrow, misses wildly and hits a red-shirted extra, who almost immediately dies]

[Link] Oops.

[What a waste of an arrow...]

[What a waste of a red-shirted extra. But then, that's what red-shirted extras are for...]

Uh-oh! We're in a tight spot!

*Chrome ducks behind a well-placed crate. He brings out the Big Gun and substitutes the explosive shells for "Goo" shells. He wants to take Montresor alive, for "study".*
*The soundtrack beginds to play the Blade Runner theme tune.*
*Chrome swings upwards, aiming the gun and firing in one fluid movement. The bullet explodes in mid-air and a jet of goo flies past Montresor, pinning Peet to the wall.*

Uh-oh! We're in a tight spot!

*Runs up the wall and flips over, bringing out a nanotech dissembler as he does so. His landing jolts the nano-dissembler, and the batteries fall out.*

Uh-oh! We're in a tight spot!

*Montresor looms over him.*

Uh-oh! We're in a tigh-

Peet[from the wall]: Ouch! I don't galaxy you're from, that's gotta hurt!

* Peet watches stunned...

["I don't galaxy you're from..."? I must really have hit my head that time!]

[Link gets another Light Arrow ready, realizes it might kill Affy's body, and then trades it with an Ice Arrow. He hits Monty-In-Affy, who is frozen]

[Link] Uh-oh. Did I break the "too easy solution" rule again?

(stares feeling odd having just seen the movie Chrome is referring to and now finding this lol)