h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The away team beams onto the surface of Ratatooine, hand held bio-scanners at the ready*

Alright, let's spread out. Find any sign of Irving, send a message with the communicators.

This doesn't look like an especially friendly planet...

*wanders further*

Irviiiiing!! Oh Irviiiiiing!!! Where aaaaare yooooou???

*Wanders along the base of a cliff, looking for anywhere were a person might make a shelter. His OmeGAuntlet is fully charged, and the bio-scanner is on high*

Okay, that's either Irving, or . . . oh, how many times have I told the store not to wax this thing?

[uses the Force to search for him]

[R2-B4 bleeps at him]

No, I'll find him.

[R2-B4 extends his sensor plate and YK runs off. R2-B4 squawks in alarm]

He's in this direction!

[R2-B4 warbles, retracting his sensor plate, and races to the best of his ability after YK.]

*As the away team reaches the top of the next sand dune, they see a high cliff wall directly ahead. A gaping cave is visible, and they think they can make out a light inside it, or something that would indicate life. Their bio-scanners all point in that direction. Irving, noticing *his* equipment beeping to life with signals he recognizes, rushes out of the cave. He is sunburned so badly that his blue skin is now a deep violet, and peeling all over. He is much, much thinner, and he quickly collapses in the heat for want of water. As the away team reaches him, he gasps:*

Saved

*and passes out*

*Rushes over to Irving, pulls out a tricorder, and starts doing some readings*

Okay, he needs imediate medical attention. He's malnurished, sun burned, parched,weak, probably exposed to a few alien viruses, etc.

*Pushes the communicator*

Mangar, we've found Irving. Beam us all to the medical bay.

*The entire away tweam (including Irving) dissapear in a bunch of weird lighting and sound effects. Irving is beamed straight to a medical bay, and the hologram of a doctor begins looking over the patient*

Well, glad that's been taken care of.

(Peet wanders in, intently studying a PADD...)

Guys, I've just been catching up on your mission... Remember that "Fuel Dump" inside the swiss-cheese asteroid containing the hundred most evil things...? I'd venture a guess it wasn't a fuel dump at all, but rather a bomb set to destroy the asteroid, but for some reason never detonated...

What do the rest of you think?

(Narrator: WHO placed the bomb? WHY didn't they detonate it? WHAT was their intentions? WHEREFOREART thou Romeo?)

Well, it was a sort of bomb - it turned out to be a crystal entity. And it did blow up. Blew us right out the nostril of that dog-shaped moon. Still, it might help to know the details - any ideas?

Ok, I suggest we get into hyperspace as soon as possible now, before we are attacked. I'll just put in some initial coordinates to get us out of here, then when we come out of hyperspace there, we can enter our real destination and jump back into hyperspace.

*keys in the coordinates of a random benign system. Accidentally mistypes the coordinates.*

Okay, Captain. Ready for the jump to hyperspace.

*Sits in chair, and dramatically leans forward*

Engage!

*The ship zaps through hyperspace for a few uneventful hours, and comes out in a strange looking place*

Garius, where are we? This place doesn't look like a benign system. We're near some kind of nebula! In fact . . . get me a clearer view of this entire system.

*A holographic map appears, revealing it to be an orange, hour glassed shape nebula with an eye in the middle*

Wow! I think . . . okay, I've heard the name of this nebula before, I just can't remember it. Also, there are no records of anyone ever coming here before. Plus, it actually puts us a lot closer to Zork than I would've hoped. Oh, well. It's relatively harmless, I'd assume. Set coordinates for Zork, and the enga-

*Affy is cut short by a kind of tentacle zooming out of the nebula, wrapping itself around the Mangar, and begin draggin it toward the eye. The eye blinks, the hourglass begins spinning wildly (not easy for something several billion miles long), and a rift in the space/time continuum opens. The tentacle pulls the Mangar in. The ship spins around in the misty nebula for a while before spinning out of it. Nothing appears different*

Well, that was odd. Let's move before . . . erm, wasn't the nebula bigger? And . . . oh no. Okay, this is a problem. Okay, let's prepare to get to the future again! Shouldn't be too hard.

*No one notices the flock of several hundred crystaline entities zooming at them through space*

*Notices the flock of several hundred crystaline entities zooming at them through space*

(Points through a small viewport, his head obscuring the view for everyone else)

Eeeeeeeeeeekkkkk!

*Pushes Peet's head aside so that he can look out the viewport*

Oh. My, this isn't turning out well. More crystaline entities. We should . . . oh, I just figured out who put all of the fuel in the Pluto Moon! Back to the Rodentar System! And try to destroy all of them except one!

No! Try not. DO, or DO not. There is no try.

Sure there is! Do is an effect of the cause try. Try creates a cause and if it is succesful creates the effect do (or done in the past tense), If it fails it creates the effect do not (did not). You can't do anything without trying to do it!

As for destroying the crystalline entities, we can't use the same beam effect like last time becase there are too many of them, but if we can lure them into an unstable pocket of space and use the beam on that we should be able to use that pocket to amplify the effect and destroy them all.

...and whoever's gripping my head, please let go - I'm getting a crick in my neck...!

Unstable pocket of space? Howabout that nebula we were just in?

Well, perhaps if we steer for that eye thing again ...

*Steers for the eye thing. The crystaline entities steer an intercepting course.*

Hmmm. I suppose we don't want to drag them into the future with us.*

*Turns the ship around to point away from the crystaline entities. Increases speed to maximum sub-light speed. Pulls a star map up on the his monitor.*

Looks like we are in the Waterford system, some time before it was shattered. The home planet, svarofsky, should be just over there.

*Points vaguely to the left. Punches something into the computer and the viewscreen suddenly shows a glittering planet that appears to be made of crystal.*

Yes, there it is. Now if I remember my history correctly, this planet, and the rest of the system was destroyed when an unknown spaceship crashed into the planet at the exact point where there was a previously unknown flaw in it's structure. Guess we must be in some time before that. Anyway, maybe we can dodge the crystaline entities by landing or something.

Remember, one of these crystaline entities has to remain alive, so that it can be awakened in the future. Try not to destroy them all. BTW, GL, where was the previously unknown flaw?

And was this starship that crashed ... technologically advanced for its time? I have a bad feeling about this.

Don't. We're the good guys.

*wakes up and finds himself in sick bay once more*