h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Phrank* lay under the bridge soaked in dirty rainwater, despite the fact that it hadn't rained anytime in recent memory, given that they were underground**. There's just something about bridges that makes dirty rainwater want to appear under them. Many physicists have come up with phrases like "sympathetic resonance" and "quasi-terran aqueous migration" to explain this phenomenon, but when you get right down to it they didn't have a clue.

* Or Phileas Rutledge Ankman XVII, according to his birth certificate. No family is so cruel as to use such a horrible name 17 times. It was supposed to be seventy, which lends it a greater air of distinction.

** For other instances of this sort of nonsense, consult the classic Infocom game "Zork" for Flood Control Dam#3.

Phrank spent a few minutes trying to clean some muddy dirt out of his hair, but he was having some problems. In order to clean the gunk out he needed clean hands but he didn't have any. He checked for clean hands in several places: underneath the broken down mattress he slept on, next to the cat body that had been lying nearby for a week, and also above that odd piece of Sumerian text from the 29th century A.D. that explained the meaning of liquid moth balls.

Finally he gave up and slumped back down on the mattress.

Lucy and Merlin were, however, completely unaware of this. They had been arguing the whole time this was going on about who was going to have to clean up the bits of spleen and arteries that were lying about, and, given that spleen is rather squishy and bloody to begin with, not even counting the fact that it was once sentient and thus probably contaminated with radiation or unspeakable chemicals, were not getting anywhere with the argument. They were just about to give up and leave it lying there being very untidy when they read the preceding paragraphs and realized that they could probably convince Phrank to do it for them, if they helped him out by cleaning him, or at least giving him a hand of some description.

Merlin decided to be useless and point out Phrank's improbabble connection to the Zork series, and pointed out the inigma of how FCD#3 could have been destroyed in ZGI, but appear later in RTZ. Lucy ignored him until they found Phrank under the bridge. Phrank said . . .

"Return to Zork is a text game, and thus in the normal continuity of the Zork universe whereas Grand Inquisitor has flashy new-fangled graphics. That means it's bad...no, wait...it's good...but not text-based...? All good games are text-based...Grand Inquisitor is good...not text-based...good...not..." Phrank passed out due to the overpowering force of not coping.

..."GET AWAY FROM MY STUFF!!!!" and began motioning at Lucy, Merlin, and Liz, as if he was going to cut them with a pointy object. He noticed that the group didn't seem frightened, and upon further inspection he realized that he was in fact holding a spoon. Once he had calmed down he got a bit bored, and slumped back down onto his mattress.

Lucy slowly walked towards him and started to speak, "Ummm, hi, listen. We were, umm, well, we were thinking that," she glanced at Merlin for support but he was yelling at Liz about old Text based computer games, she continued, "We kinda thought maybe you would clean up that spleen junk up there for us, if we paid you a dollar?"
Just then Lucy realized they had no reason to clean it up and wondered why she had thought about it at all.

Phrank looked up at her and said...

(ummm, looks like me and icarus double posted, well since he clicked the button first you can just reply to his. Or if you prefer you could just say that after phrank passed out he quickly awoked and my post took place.)

(Use his. It's better written and actually contributes something.)

(Okay, I will. BTW, Return To Zork is a graphical game. I'll use up some time that might conceivably otherwise be useful. The text-based Zork games (not including the fan made ones) are Zork 1,2, and 3, Enchanter, Sorcerer, Spellbreaker, Wishbringer, possibly Lurking Horror, Beyond Zork, Zork: The Undiscovered Underground, Dungeon (AKA the Mainframe Zork), and Zork Zero. The graphical Zork games (not including the fan made one currently in development at the Zork Library) are Return To Zork, Zork Nemesis, and Zork Grand Inquisitor. Also, between the time of ZGI and RTZ, the people of Zork could easily rebuild FCD#3. Anyway, now to continue with the story now that I've used up all of that allegedly valuable time on pointless drivel)

(Sorry about that. I'm obsessed where Zork is concerned)

. . . Phrank said, "Wait a minute, a spleen? What kind of spleen is it?"

The gleam in Phrank's eye made Lucy unsure as to whether she wished to answer that question.

(I am confused to what Zork contributes? Maybe we can work it into some grand story arc)
Lucy started again: "Well will you clean it?"
Phrank looked at her, and screamed something about modern game developers having lost their ways and focusing too much on graphics over story. Everyone just stared and realized some new piece about 1980's computer games would be made.

"You see, in the eighties, video games were at least decent games with fairly well thought out plot lines!" Phrank screamed. "So, if this is the spleen of, say, a grue, or a troll, or a monster from one of those older video games, I will be able to finish my universal alternator, which will merge our universe with that of a text adventure!"

Our heroes smiled broadly at Phrank, and began to inobtrusively back away from him.

"What's a grue?" Lucy whispered. "It's a horrible thing that kills you in the dark," whispered Merlin back.
"What's it look like?"
"Horrible?"
"Could you be more vague?"
"Not with any degree of success."
"I know! I know! It looks like a grue!" yelled Phrank, immensely pleased with himself; "I have one in the closet! Look! It's hiding in my VIC-20!" Lucy and Merlin ceased backing away slowly and began to back away very, very fast.

They hit full sprint and ran into a nearby coffee shop. However Phrank followed, his eyes darted about. But unlike the usual human, Phrank's eyes don't see things, his brain takes the information from his eyes and turns into text. So if Phrank wants to go somewhere then his brain has to write "go N" and display it in his eyes. You might think this was a disadvantage for him, but, ummm, I don't know how to finish that sentence.

This may have been a disadvantage for him, but it wasn't.

Suddenly, Merlin remembered that a grue had a fish-like face with several hideous fangs, a fur-covered body, long, razor sharp claws, and eyes that could see in pitch darkness. That wasn't important, though, because Phrank had entered the Cafe, and was looking at each person there in turn, waiting for their description in his eyes.

Phrank POV: Identified as Lucy, Description, A real pill(End POV)
Phrank went north six steps, I mean he went towards Lucy. She started making a phony smile in an odd attempt to appease him. Phrank ignored it and quickly started drinking her latte'. Just then he screamed "The cat can't touch the owl!!! For it has no urinary tract infections!!!!!"

Phrank P.O.V. v2.0 (z-machine version 7.2b)

In Coffee Shop

Lucy is glaring at you. It probably has something to do with the fact that you're drinking her ridiculously expensive latte.

>drink coffee

I don't know the word "coffee".

>oops latte

You're already drinking the latte!

> l at Lucy.

She's still glaring at you. It's beginning to get annoying.

>i

You have:
bad personal hygiene
a sick obsession with old text games
dirty clothes
a copy of "lost treasures of infocom vol. 1"
a copy of "lost treasures of infocom vol. 2"
lucy's latte

>give latte to lucy

Lucy looked down into the remainder of her latte'. Somehow he had managed to deposit nearly 50 strands of hair in the drink, and also several pieces of plush toys from the 1960's. She quietly dropped the latte' into the trash, but Phrank didn't notice, since he was currently yelling odd beanie baby related rantings.

(NOTE: For those of you who were lucky enough to escape the beanie baby phenonemon that gripped the U.S. and a few other countries, I will fill you in. They were these little plush toys that had poems written on their tags, and that were made in limited numbers. So for some reason a big demand began for them and since the factory would only produce so many of each type their prices soared and they became collector items. Whole mini-stores that hardly got business before were now making tons of money through beanie babies, since the Ty company which manufactured them wouldn't sell them to the big chain stores. Finally the craze settled down and the company announced it wouldn't make them anymore (probably to keep the value high) and the owner is now buying hotels like the four seasons. My sisters room is still a sea of little black beanie baby eyes though, it is creepy as hell.)

>What is Beanie Baby
Ridiculously expensive, tiny stuffed animals who get more expensive when people realize that there was a defect in production at the factory.

>Yell at Lucy about the Beanie Babies
Lucy cringes, reaches into the trash can, and pulls out what looks like a cup of the latte. She throws the cup at you, obscuring your vision! When you manage to clear your eyes, Lucy and the others are gone.

>Xyzzy
You are transported to a hotel room, and see five of the four horsemen playing a card game, that is going through a craze not unlike that of the beanie babies. Lucy and crew run in, shocked to see you.

>

Now the next researcher was confused by that ">Xyzzy" business and assumed it was a code or trick in some old text based game. Lucy decided to ignore Phrank, which proved incredibly difficult as he soon relieved his bladder onto the couch in the room. Just then Death screamed with delight as he captured Pestilence's prize Poke'mon. Lucy tried to grab the groups attention but soon made a realization. She realized that they wouldn't notice her even if her hair caught on fire, unfortunately Phrank could briefly hear her thought and decided to test the theory. The left side of Lucy's hair should grow back within a few months, at least she hopes it will.