h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

experiment...

but just then the empty bottle of 180 proof suddenly shifted shape back into mom mouse.
"HA HA!"
said mom mouse.
and began to recite the entire works of shakespeare beginning with the comedy of errors.
mom mouse then rode unicycles made entirely of Bob Evans breakfast sausage (or something...)
"HA HA!"

but just then the empty bottle of 180 proof suddenly shifted shape back into mom mouse.
"HA HA!"
said mom mouse.
and began to recite the entire works of shakespeare beginning with the comedy of errors.
mom mouse then rode unicycles made entirely of Bob Evans breakfast sausage (or something...)
"HA HA!"

mom mouse then said,"i also shifted shape into the shape of the previous post, thus giving it the appearance of being posted twice and making the researcher who posted it look stupid. this is not so however."

It then started singing "Follow the yellow brick road", backwards and in e-major, when suddenly, out of nowhere a big, blue and fluffy cloud appeared.

(Welcome back! )

The big blue fluffy cloud (as opposed to White Cloud -- but still just as squeezably soft -- no wait, that's Charmin) began to cry. Everyone grabbed their umbrellas, only to find to their chagrin that they had been tied with strings of bob evans sausages to unicycles, complete with walkman CD players containing a copy of "Learn Shakesphere in 14 hours" on a double-density CD.

"Oh fark," said Lucy, "I guess MacBeth wasn't all that bad."

Mr Ben was inclined to agree, as he had co-written MacBeth back in the day, after a particularly bizarre trip through the back of the clothes shop.
Seeing no immediate danger to the other characters or himself he decided that now was the time to take the initiative and propose a quest...

"exactly what are we doing now?" he asked. Nobody answered at first, but the blue fluffy cloud started to cry even more.

"exactly what are we doing now?" he asked. Nobody answered at first, but the blue fluffy cloud started to cry even more.

"Embarking on an epic" Replied Mr Ben,
"Much like the old Icelandic sagas".

He hauled his gourd of water and his wolfhide sack over the back of his great ox and raised his sword aloft.

"Who joins me?" he cried.

Death (whom people seemed to have forgotten about), Lucy and Merlin looked at each other and rolled their eyes.
"Well, I am certainly NOT," said Lucy firmly. The two others followed her example, and the icelandic saga freak, also known as Mr. Ben. stood there all by himself.
"Oh never mind then", he muttered to himself. "Who are you anyway ?" He asked.
Death looked at him.
"Maybe we could ask you the same question," he suggested.

Mr Ben, feeling somewhat foolish, slid off his ox and dusted himself down.
"I'm Mr Ben" he announced because, although all the writers knew, there was no way the actual characters could have known.

"What's with the cloud?" he asked.

Death regarded him levelly. "No, that's just your name. Who are you?" Mr. Ben was equipped to go off on quests and for riding oxen. He was not equipped for philosophical discourse.
"I'm Mr. Ben," he replied with slightly less certainty.
"No. Who are you?" replied Death with the absolute certainty that comes from being an immortal anthropomorphic personification.
"I'm-"
"No."
"Mr.-"
"No. And don't say Ben."
By this point Mr. Ben's mind was taxed nearly to its breaking point and he reverted to his earlier inquiry in the hopes that nobody would notice. "What's with the cloud?"

Lucy quipped, "Oh, Death... leave the boy alone." Then she turned to the newcomer.."Where are you from, by the way? ... or should I also query as to 'when' are you from?" She eyed the ox hungrily.

"I'm mister Ben", Mr.Ben replied, just in case anybody hadn't picked that up yet. Death sighed, and rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything.
"Where are you from?" Lucy asked again, trying to be patient.
"Yes." Mr.Ben nodded.

Merlin was quite fed up with the whole thing by this point, and felt that he had to say something. At least, his mind felt that way. His body felt as though it should grab Mr. Ben by the lapels and shake him until he started making sense. His mind pointed out that Mr. Ben did not have lapels, to which his body replied that it didn't care and he was darn well going to be shaken by them. Death was quite familiar with human behavior and noticed the signs of this inner struggle, and decided to try and defuse the situation. Lucy beat him to the punch, however. "That doesn't help. Look, do you have a driver's license or something?"

"well..."
"WHO ARE YOU?!" shouted merlin (still struggling with his inner battle over the lapels)
"i'm..."
"mr Ben?" asked Death.
"yes. yes, i am. I AM MR BEN!"
suddenly another Mr Ben jumped out from behind a tree.
"He's not Mr Ben!" shouted Mr Benthesecond, "he's an imposter! I AM MR BEN!"
"All lies!" was Mr Benthefirst's response.
"Don't trust HIM! I am the REAL Mr Ben!" came Mr Benthesecond's reply.
"Oh dear," sighed Lucy, "i can see this is all going to get rather confusing..."

"Why care?" Merlin looked rather fed up. "Let's go!" He started walking. Death followed.
"Wait!" Lucy screamed after them. "We can't just leave Arthur!"
"But.. I am mr.Ben", on of the mr.bens said.

"Shut up, both of you!" yelled Lucy, much to her own surprise. "Come on Arthur, let's go." She pulled Arthur's frail, aged body after her without much difficulty. Mr. Ben watched them leave. So did Mr. Ben. After a while, they realized the significance of what had just occurred, i.e. that they were now standing alone under a cloud that still hadn't gotten explained. Mr. Ben turned to Mr. Ben. "Want to go on a quest?"
"I'm Mr. Ben."
"Yes or no?"
"Okay."
And so they marched off to go find something-or-other of somewhere-or-other that had magical powers of something-or-other else and was guarded by a fearsome...you know, that thing. With the teeth.

(My browser crashed 4 times trying to reply)
And then the story was revitalized by a returning researcher.

This one remembered that they were still in the future.
Lucy was getting frustrated. She kept tugging and tugging on Arthur's long white beard as he yelped, trying to get his frail body to walk faster.

She kept saying that they had to hurry, but in truthfulness she had no idea where they were going or why. As she rounded a corner they both paused with their draws hanging open.

They were no longer in a dirty slum, they had just entered the center of a thriving futuristic metropolis. Flying vehicles, if they could even be described that way, zoomed all around. Lights flickered and glared in every direction. Caroling robots ran around the streets with chainsaws.

The buildings seemed to be somewhat organic. Rather than landing on the buildings, the crafts seemed to be absorbed into them.

"Caroling Robots with Chainsaws" thought Lucy as a spinning blade flew inches above her head.
Just as her mind returned to her she jumped with Arthur out of the way of one of the robots who had charged at them swinging a sharpened carrot.