h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*headbutts way through wall and continues into jacculus*

take that

*grabs SD blaster off jacculus and zaps some small jam sponge particles that had started to move suspiciously*

grrr

*gives SD blaster back to jacculus*

here you go.

[whips out thermal detonator and blows self up]

* Pauses to stare pityingly at the blob
[Whispers confidentially to rest of room] His brain only weighs four grams.

* Aims SD blaster at MaW through door.

BOOM! So satisfying...

*changes mass with a touch of a button*

i now weigh over three tons

*leaps a jacculus*

yaaaarrrrgggghhhh!

*crashes through the floor just three paces from jacculus*

BUUMMMMMEEEEERRRRRRR!

*disappears through the hole in the floor*

[YK walks in carrying a pumpkin] Bow wow wow!

Ah! A pumpkin!!

Smash it!!

(The Smashing Pumpkins, er, Dont!)

NO! I'm going to clean it so I can make a Jack-o-Lantern out of it!

[he runs back outside. Once there, he takes a handkerchief and rubs the pumpkin, the top of which explodes, revealing a genie-type character who is shorter than YK (which isn't very difficult considering that YK is six-foot-two, only the genie is four-foot-one). The genie says, "I am the genie of the pumpkin! You have released me by rubbing the pumpkin! And now, I will grant you three wishes!"]

Hmmm ... let me think about it.

*crawls out of hole in the floor*

how about getting a survey done on this house Tim, it doesn't seem very solid.

*falls though a large crack in the floor nearer to jaccluls than the previous crack*

waaaaaaaaggghhhhh!

* Quickly lays titanium impregnated flagstones over holes in floor to keep the blob busy for a few millenia. Snaps bricky fingers.

[Air opens,disgorging large crate marked "INTERESTING GADGETS"]

Here everybody,have a rummage, any gadget for an antarean parakeet gland.

A Survey? hmm....

That could be something for YK to wish for

*Puts hand into box, blinks, and withdraws hand, only faster*

I want a cream soda. [to Genie] You can make one of those out of thin air, right?

["Yes," says the Genie, "I can."]

Then do it!

["But the air isn't thin enough. It's all sort of lumpy."]

Great. Just great. Now what?

["You need to make the air thinner."]

*mumbled reply comes form under the titanium plating*

hey YK I've got a small travel air thinner here I would let you borrow it but Jaccluls has sealed me in. If you could let me out you are free to use it as you wish.

*taps on titanium in a manner that is very irrtating to Jacclulus*

Genie, I wish for the Blob's freedom!

[In a flash of light, the titanium plating explodes.]

Great! Blob, gimmy the air thinner.

DAMN!!

* Runs out of room to find jelly

WHADDAYA /MEAN/, THE AIR THINNER WON'T WORK!? You mean I have to use a rolling pin!?

["Well, not necessarily," says the Pumpkin Genie. "Stomping it will be just as effective."]

Fine. Fine. Just put the air in the middle of the floor.

[The Pumpkin Genie puts the air in the middle of the floor and says, "What are you going to--" but doesn't get to finish because YK jumps off a chair and falls through the floor. (Yes, Mr. Director, you did read that right: he fell through the floor and added a fortune to the budget.) The genie looks through the hole.]

* Runs back in with jelly. Cannot believe his luck to have the blob AND yk in holes in the floor. Quickly covers holes with titanium-impregnated unbreakable clear stuff and puts up sign saying "Haughtanius' Zoo . Homo sapiens - Common Human. PLEASE DO NOT FEED."

Tim - I'll give you 75% of all profits if I can use your floor,OK?

* Sprays anti-Genie stuff around and giggles evilly when Genie passes into unconciousness. Imprisons genie in special genie net generated by device taken from gadgets crate.

[abruptly pops up out of a manhole] 'Scuse me, but that thin air's so deep you couldn't find it with mining gear and a team of gophers!

[rubs the special genie net, which explodes. The genie pops out and says, "Now I'm the genie of the special Genie net!"]

Could you stay the genie of the pumpkin?

["Yeah, yeah. Sure. Now I'll get you a sandwich." The genie rushes off to the kitchen and calls back, "What kind?"]

Peanut butter and jelly. White bread.

["One lump or two?"]

I didn't ask for tea.

["Sorry."]

Just get the sandwich.

["Okay!" The genie returns with a sandwich.]

Sure Jack, but there will be a 15% titanium-jelly-floorboard tax.... (Grins comercially)

(To Genie - ) I'll take the tea if your offering!

Jacculus, could you not attack the genie before he brings my tea?

[The genie says, "Wait till I've finished with my /current/ master."]

Cream Soda.

["You need thin air!"]

Here we go again.

* Runs out, and comes back with a cartload of animals, which he hurls into the pit where they proceed to eat the blob