Church of the True Weevil

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Welcome to the Church of the True Weevil! Here we seek to propagate an utterly fictitous image of weevils as happy, friendly, party-loving creatures who just want to be your friend and perhaps even look after you when you're not feeling well. Isn't that nice?

Having said that, there are certain things about weevils which all members must know and adhere to:

  • Weevils have slavering fangs, but they're very very small and you probably can't see them from where you're sitting but I swear they exist.
  • Weevils love corn syrup. It may seem gross to you but they simply thrive on the stuff. There's no better way to befriend a weevil than to give it a simple biscuit smothered in delicious corn syrup. They also like potatoes.
  • The types of drink most preferred by weevils at parties are anything made with marzipan gin. You haven't seen a party until you've seen 900 weevils on a marzipan gin bender.
  • A pastime favoured by weevils at parties is dancing around the maypole.
  • Weevils don't do drugs (aside from marzipan gin, of course) and would never harm anyone.
  • Weevils are happy, friendly, party-loving creatures who just want to be your friend.

Those are the basics. It is hoped that outsiders will have no clue whatsoever as to what we're on about - a nice side-effect to being in a group based solidly in total fabrication and complete nonsense.

Latest Additions

Do you have a bad poet lurking inside of you, waiting to burst free and inflict untold amounts of sickly prose upon the masses? Well, then I suggest you head on over to the "Weevil Haiku" page so we can try to contain all that destructive power in one place.

People who have recently joined the church:

  • Technicolor Yawn
  • ReapeR

Weevil species recently discovered by our ever-vigilant members:

  • Time to Stop Weevil
  • Brown-backed Secretary Weevil
  • Skeletal Weevil of Dubious Intent

New haiku for you from these members:

  • Frizzychick
  • Pedro
  • Nick O'Teen

How to Become a Member

Anyone can become a member of the Church by simply going here and stating the following secret code words:

"I want to be in the Church of the True Weevil"

That's all there is to it. As a member, you can use the claustrophobic piece of 'programmer art' on the right as your official membership badge by defacing your home page with it (you can even make it link to this page if you so desire).

You may also select a title for yourself. For example, I am known as the Grand Weevil-Meister. You may be known as anything you like, but it should probably be weevil-related. Otherwise you're just not playing the game, are you?

Once you become a member, you can boast about it on your home page and be the envy of all your friends. Ideally, they will then want to join as well, having finally found a group that satiates their desire for baseless frivolity.

Duties of Members


As a member of the Church of the True Weevil, you have the responsibility of coming to this page whenever you bleeding well feel like it and posting misleading and nonsensical messages about weevils. There's no pressure. There's also no research involved.

Although it's not mandatory, it would be nice if you could spread the word about the Church of the True Weevil by linking to it on your home page. This will help the membership to grow.


There are currently three primary activities that members can engage in anywhere and at any time (preferably within the confines of H2G2, unless you're really feeling your oats). The first is 'talking like a deranged person'. This involves using weevil-related interjections in conversations with other people (preferably outsiders) that will cause them to either think of you as some kind of disturbed individual or want to join the church themselves. Possibly both. You can use such colourful phrases as, 'By the weevil's slavering fangs!', or you can make up your own.

The second primary activity comes into play when you are talking (in an H2G2 forum) about a situation where a very special type of weevil might just be of immense assistance. In such a situation, you can make up a special species of weevil by thinking of something the weevil might do that would help and then providing a country or region of origin for the weevil that sounds appropriate. For example, Japanese Purring Weevils can greatly assist those who are under stress or otherwise need to relax. Reusing country or region names is allowed, and credit is given for any 'discoveries' you make.

Finally, if you're feeling particularly creative yet lacking in talent, then you should head over to the "Weevil Haiku" page to try your hand at writing weevil-related haiku. It's both fun and stupid, so you really can't lose.

Other weevil-related activities will appear in this section as we go along. You are free to peruse the 'Weevil Species' section to see all of the different species people have conjured up so far.


The Church of the True Weevil now has its own holiday, celebrated each year on August 12. It's St Weevil's Day and it has everything you could want in a holiday celebration, and then some. Thanks go to Zonker, Percy and Frizz for coming up with ideas.

Weevil Tales

Weevil history abounds with fairly simple activities such as corn sryup harvesting and parties. Every once in a while, though, one or two special weevils come along and, from their trials and tribulations, a great story is born.

This section is devoted to stories about weevils as recounted by various members of the church. They might be happy stories or sad stories or even stories that start happy and then get sad and then happy again.

The Tale of Ethelred the Undead and Olivia Oatweevil as told by the Peripatetic Proselyte of the Lambic Brewing Weevil, Percy von Wurzel, is a touching story of forbidden weevil love.

The Tale of Albrecht the Moonweevil, dutifully transcribed by our most prolific Percy von Wurzel, is a fond recounting of high weevil adventure.

Weevil Species

This section is devoted to recording all species of weevil known to date. Of course, they really exist only in the warped minds of our members but they can be very very useful in certain situations. Despite the fact that a vast number of fascinating weevils have been discovered thus far, we are certain that (perhaps with the assistance of alcohol or some other mind-altering substance) there are many more different species yet to be discovered.

Members should try to make note of these, if possible, in order to avoid unecessary duplication of species in casual conversation.

SpeciesDiscovered by
Alaskan Ice WeevilNick O'Teen
Albertan Hockey WeevilNick O'Teen
Alpine Lodge Snow WeevilMarv the Grate
American Negotiating WeevilNick O'Teen
American Screeching WeevilBaron Bear Slide
Ancient Egyptian Giant WeevilAlien
Antarctic Medical WeevilAlien
Appalachian Fodder WeevilNick O'Teen
Armageddon Dome WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Aztec Mega WeevilThe Archangel Zax
Balwyniti Bonkers WeevilKing Cthulhu of Balwyniti
Balwyniti Carousing WeevilKing Cthulhu of Balwyniti
Belgian Lambic Brewing WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Berlinerisch Depravity WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Bohemian Quoting WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Brown-backed Secretary WeevilFrizzychick
Canadian Typo WeevilArchangel Big 'Evil' Dan
Cat-5 Cable WeevilMarv the Grate
Chinese Luck WeevilNick O'Teen
City Ski WeevilMarv the Grate
Colorado Beavering WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Denver Diabolical Disappearing WeevilZonker
Dharanian Dementia WeevilZonker
Florida Happiness WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Fort William Porridge WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Genevan Theology WeevilPercy von Wurzel
German Gulping WeevilPossum
German Therapy WeevilNick O'Teen
Glastonbury Rock WeevilPercy von Wurzel
H2G2 Guide WeevilMarv the Grate
Highland Tweed WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Incan Parchment WeevilThe Archangel Zax
Iranian Bazooka WeevilZonker
Irish Drinking WeevilZonker
Jamaican Cooking WeevilNick O'Teen
Japanese Purring WeevilNick O'Teen
Kentish Cat WeevilFrizzychick
Kentish Plonk WeevilNick O'Teen
Lubianka Security WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Madagascar Hissing WeevilThe Archangel Zax
Mancunian Rain WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Medway Chaucer-Reciting WeevilPossum
Mexican Hairless WeevilThe Archangel Zax
Mexican Jumping WeevilMarv the Grate
Mexican Party WeevilNick O'Teen
Motown Soul WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Newfoundland Hypochondriac WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Northern Dirt WeevilNick O'Teen
North European Warden WeevilFrizzychick
Norwegian Perching WeevilNick O'Teen
Ontario Stupidity WeevilArchangel Big 'Evil' Dan
Parisian Pill WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Polk County Retrieving WeevilAsteroid Lil
Prussian Landwehr WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Punic Running WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Ruritanian Role-Playing WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Silicon Valley Computing WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Skeletal Weevil of Dubious IntentReapeR
Syriac Palimpsest WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Tijuana Trumpet WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Time to Stop WeevilReapeR
Transylvanian "It's Only Strawberry Jam" WeevilPercy von Wurzel
Victorian Humming WeevilKing Cthulhu of Balwyniti
West Coast Beech Eating WeevilSpanner Grrl
Winter Paper WeevilFrizzychick
Xanadu Disco WeevilAchmed the Brown
Yucatan Planning and Organising WeevilNick O'Teen

Members of the Church

The Church is new and as such it currently has a rather small group of members. Perhaps, in the fullness of time, it may grow to the respectable size now enjoyed by the Church of the True Brownie (which, of course, inspired the name for this church), and share similar success.

If you are a member of the Church and you don't have a title yet, or if you'd like to change your title, then feel free to leave a message in the application forum (see "How to Become a Member" above) stating what you'd like your title to be.

Here are the members of the Church to date:

Nick O'TeenGrand Weevil-Meister
FrizzychickSyrup Monitor and Curator of Weevil Antiquities
Sporkulious Eglon (ACE)Saint of Weevils
Spanner GrrlVoda Weevil Trainer
Marv the Grate (ACE)Weevil Cleric from Hell
Peta (CE)Weevil Wrangler
Gw7en (ACE)Chaotic Weevil
Asteroid Lil (SE)Polygamist
ZonkerDoctor of Dementia
Percy von WurzelPeripatetic Proselyte of the Lambic Brewing Weevil
Vestboy (ACE)Lord High Weevil Protector and Wearer of the High Heels
AlienGuardian of Alienated Weevils
Doctor JohnThe Dead Weevil
The Archangel ZaxSaint of Undead Weevils
Archangel Big 'Evil' DanKeeper of the Lazy Weevil
PossumThe Weevil of Many Colours
Baron Bear SlideThe Grim Weevil
KensingtonThe Friendly Weevil
King Cthulhu of BalwynitiSpeaker in Dreams of Weevils
PeregrinCounsellor of Confused Weevils
Achmed the BrownThe Brown Weevil
Almighty RobThe Untrue Imposter Weevil
CaytoHis Holiness the Weevil Lama
FlourescentThe Weevil's Lady in Waiting
BumblebeeThe Tumble Weevil
PedroThe Weevil Dead 2
Acolyte MathnerdThe Weevil Freak
ReapeRWeevium Mortus Eradicus
Technicolor Yawn(no title chosen yet)

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