Welcome to the Church of the True Weevil! Here we seek to propagate an utterly fictitous image of weevils as happy, friendly, party-loving creatures who just want to be your friend and perhaps even look after you when you're not feeling well. Isn't that nice?
Having said that, there are certain things about weevils which all members must know and adhere to:
- Weevils have slavering fangs, but they're very very small and you probably can't see them from where you're sitting but I swear they exist.
- Weevils love corn syrup. It may seem gross to you but they simply thrive on the stuff. There's no better way to befriend a weevil than to give it a simple biscuit smothered in delicious corn syrup. They also like potatoes.
- The types of drink most preferred by weevils at parties are anything made with marzipan gin. You haven't seen a party until you've seen 900 weevils on a marzipan gin bender.
- A pastime favoured by weevils at parties is dancing around the maypole.
- Weevils don't do drugs (aside from marzipan gin, of course) and would never harm anyone.
- Weevils are happy, friendly, party-loving creatures who just want to be your friend.
Those are the basics. It is hoped that outsiders will have no clue whatsoever as to what we're on about - a nice side-effect to being in a group based solidly in total fabrication and complete nonsense.
Do you have a bad poet lurking inside of you, waiting to burst free and inflict untold amounts of sickly prose upon the masses? Well, then I suggest you head on over to the "Weevil Haiku" page so we can try to contain all that destructive power in one place.
People who have recently joined the church:
- Technicolor Yawn
Weevil species recently discovered by our ever-vigilant members:
- Time to Stop Weevil
- Brown-backed Secretary Weevil
- Skeletal Weevil of Dubious Intent
New haiku for you from these members:
- Nick O'Teen
How to Become a Member
Anyone can become a member of the Church by simply going here and stating the following secret code words:
"I want to be in the Church of the True Weevil"
That's all there is to it. As a member, you can use the claustrophobic piece of 'programmer art' on the right as your official membership badge by defacing your home page with it (you can even make it link to this page if you so desire).
You may also select a title for yourself. For example, I am known as the Grand Weevil-Meister. You may be known as anything you like, but it should probably be weevil-related. Otherwise you're just not playing the game, are you?
Once you become a member, you can boast about it on your home page and be the envy of all your friends. Ideally, they will then want to join as well, having finally found a group that satiates their desire for baseless frivolity.
Duties of Members
As a member of the Church of the True Weevil, you have the responsibility of coming to this page whenever you bleeding well feel like it and posting misleading and nonsensical messages about weevils. There's no pressure. There's also no research involved.
Although it's not mandatory, it would be nice if you could spread the word about the Church of the True Weevil by linking to it on your home page. This will help the membership to grow.
There are currently three primary activities that members can engage in anywhere and at any time (preferably within the confines of H2G2, unless you're really feeling your oats). The first is 'talking like a deranged person'. This involves using weevil-related interjections in conversations with other people (preferably outsiders) that will cause them to either think of you as some kind of disturbed individual or want to join the church themselves. Possibly both. You can use such colourful phrases as, 'By the weevil's slavering fangs!', or you can make up your own.
The second primary activity comes into play when you are talking (in an H2G2 forum) about a situation where a very special type of weevil might just be of immense assistance. In such a situation, you can make up a special species of weevil by thinking of something the weevil might do that would help and then providing a country or region of origin for the weevil that sounds appropriate. For example, Japanese Purring Weevils can greatly assist those who are under stress or otherwise need to relax. Reusing country or region names is allowed, and credit is given for any 'discoveries' you make.
Finally, if you're feeling particularly creative yet lacking in talent, then you should head over to the "Weevil Haiku" page to try your hand at writing weevil-related haiku. It's both fun and stupid, so you really can't lose.
Other weevil-related activities will appear in this section as we go along. You are free to peruse the 'Weevil Species' section to see all of the different species people have conjured up so far.
The Church of the True Weevil now has its own holiday, celebrated each year on August 12. It's St Weevil's Day and it has everything you could want in a holiday celebration, and then some. Thanks go to Zonker, Percy and Frizz for coming up with ideas.
Weevil history abounds with fairly simple activities such as corn sryup harvesting and parties. Every once in a while, though, one or two special weevils come along and, from their trials and tribulations, a great story is born.
This section is devoted to stories about weevils as recounted by various members of the church. They might be happy stories or sad stories or even stories that start happy and then get sad and then happy again.
The Tale of Ethelred the Undead and Olivia Oatweevil as told by the Peripatetic Proselyte of the Lambic Brewing Weevil, Percy von Wurzel, is a touching story of forbidden weevil love.
The Tale of Albrecht the Moonweevil, dutifully transcribed by our most prolific Percy von Wurzel, is a fond recounting of high weevil adventure.
This section is devoted to recording all species of weevil known to date. Of course, they really exist only in the warped minds of our members but they can be very very useful in certain situations. Despite the fact that a vast number of fascinating weevils have been discovered thus far, we are certain that (perhaps with the assistance of alcohol or some other mind-altering substance) there are many more different species yet to be discovered.
Members should try to make note of these, if possible, in order to avoid unecessary duplication of species in casual conversation.
|Alaskan Ice Weevil||Nick O'Teen|
|Albertan Hockey Weevil||Nick O'Teen|
|Alpine Lodge Snow Weevil||Marv the Grate|
|American Negotiating Weevil||Nick O'Teen|
|American Screeching Weevil||Baron Bear Slide|
|Ancient Egyptian Giant Weevil||Alien|
|Antarctic Medical Weevil||Alien|
|Appalachian Fodder Weevil||Nick O'Teen|
|Armageddon Dome Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Aztec Mega Weevil||The Archangel Zax|
|Balwyniti Bonkers Weevil||King Cthulhu of Balwyniti|
|Balwyniti Carousing Weevil||King Cthulhu of Balwyniti|
|Belgian Lambic Brewing Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Berlinerisch Depravity Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Bohemian Quoting Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Brown-backed Secretary Weevil||Frizzychick|
|Canadian Typo Weevil||Archangel Big 'Evil' Dan|
|Cat-5 Cable Weevil||Marv the Grate|
|Chinese Luck Weevil||Nick O'Teen|
|City Ski Weevil||Marv the Grate|
|Colorado Beavering Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Denver Diabolical Disappearing Weevil||Zonker|
|Dharanian Dementia Weevil||Zonker|
|Florida Happiness Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Fort William Porridge Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Genevan Theology Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|German Gulping Weevil||Possum|
|German Therapy Weevil||Nick O'Teen|
|Glastonbury Rock Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|H2G2 Guide Weevil||Marv the Grate|
|Highland Tweed Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Incan Parchment Weevil||The Archangel Zax|
|Iranian Bazooka Weevil||Zonker|
|Irish Drinking Weevil||Zonker|
|Jamaican Cooking Weevil||Nick O'Teen|
|Japanese Purring Weevil||Nick O'Teen|
|Kentish Cat Weevil||Frizzychick|
|Kentish Plonk Weevil||Nick O'Teen|
|Lubianka Security Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Madagascar Hissing Weevil||The Archangel Zax|
|Mancunian Rain Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Medway Chaucer-Reciting Weevil||Possum|
|Mexican Hairless Weevil||The Archangel Zax|
|Mexican Jumping Weevil||Marv the Grate|
|Mexican Party Weevil||Nick O'Teen|
|Motown Soul Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Newfoundland Hypochondriac Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Northern Dirt Weevil||Nick O'Teen|
|North European Warden Weevil||Frizzychick|
|Norwegian Perching Weevil||Nick O'Teen|
|Ontario Stupidity Weevil||Archangel Big 'Evil' Dan|
|Parisian Pill Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Polk County Retrieving Weevil||Asteroid Lil|
|Prussian Landwehr Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Punic Running Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Ruritanian Role-Playing Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Silicon Valley Computing Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Skeletal Weevil of Dubious Intent||ReapeR|
|Syriac Palimpsest Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Tijuana Trumpet Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Time to Stop Weevil||ReapeR|
|Transylvanian "It's Only Strawberry Jam" Weevil||Percy von Wurzel|
|Victorian Humming Weevil||King Cthulhu of Balwyniti|
|West Coast Beech Eating Weevil||Spanner Grrl|
|Winter Paper Weevil||Frizzychick|
|Xanadu Disco Weevil||Achmed the Brown|
|Yucatan Planning and Organising Weevil||Nick O'Teen|
Members of the Church
The Church is new and as such it currently has a rather small group of members. Perhaps, in the fullness of time, it may grow to the respectable size now enjoyed by the Church of the True Brownie (which, of course, inspired the name for this church), and share similar success.
If you are a member of the Church and you don't have a title yet, or if you'd like to change your title, then feel free to leave a message in the application forum (see "How to Become a Member" above) stating what you'd like your title to be.
Here are the members of the Church to date:
|Nick O'Teen||Grand Weevil-Meister|
|Frizzychick||Syrup Monitor and Curator of Weevil Antiquities|
|Sporkulious Eglon (ACE)||Saint of Weevils|
|Spanner Grrl||Voda Weevil Trainer|
|Marv the Grate (ACE)||Weevil Cleric from Hell|
|Peta (CE)||Weevil Wrangler|
|Gw7en (ACE)||Chaotic Weevil|
|Asteroid Lil (SE)||Polygamist|
|Zonker||Doctor of Dementia|
|Percy von Wurzel||Peripatetic Proselyte of the Lambic Brewing Weevil|
|Vestboy (ACE)||Lord High Weevil Protector and Wearer of the High Heels|
|Alien||Guardian of Alienated Weevils|
|Doctor John||The Dead Weevil|
|The Archangel Zax||Saint of Undead Weevils|
|Archangel Big 'Evil' Dan||Keeper of the Lazy Weevil|
|Possum||The Weevil of Many Colours|
|Baron Bear Slide||The Grim Weevil|
|Kensington||The Friendly Weevil|
|King Cthulhu of Balwyniti||Speaker in Dreams of Weevils|
|Peregrin||Counsellor of Confused Weevils|
|Achmed the Brown||The Brown Weevil|
|Almighty Rob||The Untrue Imposter Weevil|
|Cayto||His Holiness the Weevil Lama|
|Flourescent||The Weevil's Lady in Waiting|
|Bumblebee||The Tumble Weevil|
|Pedro||The Weevil Dead 2|
|Acolyte Mathnerd||The Weevil Freak|
|ReapeR||Weevium Mortus Eradicus|
|Technicolor Yawn||(no title chosen yet)|