h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[George] Don't give her any Ideas that I'll have to wipe later!

[Elbert] Hey, George, the Continuity Gun was set to repair damage done in the past, not erase memories.

[Elbert takes the CG and hands it to KL]

[Elbert] See? If KL doesn't think of everything, I will.

Minos Krylma-Besides, George, you had the gun set to the wrong commands. You see, I'm not the one who built, designed, programmed, or purchased the continuity gun. Afgncaap5 is the one who decrypted the Moderation Software enough to create the software I needed, and the software was stolen by a good friend of yours before Affy could copy the software or make a version of this gun for himself.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, I shall not reveal the name of my helper in this, as it could, at some point, come up to haunt him in the future in some political manner.

*The CLI Mini-UFO zips across the tree-tops, and hovers over the spot where Minos is waiting. Affy jumps out, lands, and glares*

Affy-The game's up, Minos. Garius, Tonks, Peet, and myself have worked out the one person that you can't interfere with, without endangering yourself.

*A ten year old boy, blue eyes, sandy blonde hair, and clad in white robes drops from the UFO, looking very nervous. Minos stares, without recognizing the kid*

Affy-This is you, Minos, snatched from the year 33 BC. Who knows how interfering with anything he does will result in your future? Minos, go stop the lizard in the robes!

Huh? That's really me, from 33 BC? Alright, let's see here,....

*Minos pulls back his sleeve, and shows an odd looking scar that has remained there, despite having transferred bodies so many times. Little Minos pulls back his sleeve, revealing nothing*

You foolish, foolish adventurer. I was monitoring my own timeline! I don't know *who* you dragged here from the past, but it's not me. So, nothing ill can result from me blasting him back to Ancient Greece!

*Minos pulls the trigger, but the energy blast from the CG moves very, very slowly. It stops in mid-air, two feet from young Minos*

Huh? That's odd,....

*The mysterious presence knows that the time has nearly come to reveal itself*

[YK and Link] [simultaneous] What the zark's going on???

[Mackenzie and Rodrigo] [simultaneous] The kid should be back in 33 BC by now!

[YK & company notice their surroundings]

[YK] Er, who's this?

[Link] YK, this is Saria. Saria, YK. And Mackenzie.

/* Taps watch */

I think all this nearby time travel is affecting my watch.

*The Professor, who appeared with all the other newcomers, makes himself known to the world in general.*
*Waves.*

Oh, hi KL! Having fun with the Moderation Software? That's cool.
Oh, don't mind me, I can't stop you. I'll just watch with very keen interest.

*The Professor leans on a tree, folds his arms, and watches with very keen interest.*

Really, the hand shouldn't be going around the face like this: , should they?

/* Puts watch to ear */

Especially not on a digital watch.

*The hovering sphere of moderation energy begins swirling and shape-changing, until it changes into the a face that looks almost, but not quite, like the present Minos Krylma's*

Face-Hiya, everybody!

*Stunned silence*

Face-Oh, come on! You tellin' me that you don't recognize Big Bad Minos Krylma? Well, maybe it's a little hard, seein' as I don't have quite as many scales as I used to, and I never really used retractible claws, and, well, your KL is a bit more "physical" than I've been for the past....oh, I'd say about 1256 years, give or take.

*More stunned silence*

Minos Krylma-Who are you? Imposter! I am Minos Krylma. I don't know what trickery is at work here, but I can be sure that I still know who I am!

*The Face looks a bit surprised to hear this, before wiggling its nose. The Continuity Gun dissapears*

Face-Ha!

*Another KL quietly steps out from behind a tree, and shoots. The Face glides out of the way, and watches as it hits a rat-ant just about to enter the shuttle. The rat-ant suddenly, for reasons that it isn't sure of, has to re-walk the past seven seconds*

Face-No good, KL. It might work if, say, you were actually faster than me (or if light was faster than me, for that matter), or if I hadn't kept a careful count of all the 226 other yous that you left around the forest. But, just to make things simple,....

*An explosion of Continuity energy that does, in fact, spread through the entire forest. The previous KL that had stepped from behind the trees is now gone, much to Minos' surprise*

Face-Don't bother looking, Minos, they're all gone now.

KL-*Very confused* What....what are you doing here???

Face-You know, I'm glad you asked,....

*The Face vanishes, and a slide projector appears, aimed at a bedsheet that was draped over the limb of a tree just a moment ago*

[Link] Zarquon, KL, you were /right/! Only /you/ CAN defeat you!

[George] Aargg, slides!
That thar be a fate worse then death.

[YK, taking into account the fact that a) a lightsaber can very easily dispatch a bedsheet, b) he has a lightsaber, c) a bedsheet is what the slides will be projected on, d) he doesn't like slideshows very much, and e) anything that the above can result in will be removed by this new character before it can happen, does nothing.]

[Read through that again and you'll get it.]

Neat-O! That continuity blast fixed my watch!

/* Sits down to watch */

Does this slide show have synchronized audio?

[Mackenzie] Don't ask me.

*The Face appears again, but this time as a slightly younger and more human looking Minos Krylma, dressed in a tuxedo* Well, no synchronized audio, but I can have some music, if you want. *The Face snaps his fingers, and Reuben Valtiarias ("Weird Al" Yankovic's piano player) appears with his piano, and begins playing music as big, comfy chairs appear, and everyone feels compelled to sit down. As the piano music plays, the first slide comes up, showing the people at the Towers pulling the plug on h2g2 right before they were bought* Face-As you all remember, when the BBC was purchasing h2g2, h2g2 had to be shutdown. *Click. The next slide shows the CLI Mini-UFO zipping past a planet that bears the Microsoft logo* Face-While most researchers felt okay just waitin' around at ezboards, Yahoo, and the other various h2g2 refugee camps, a few people, most notably Afgncaap5, Garius Lupus, Witty Moniker, Soeasilyamused, and many others in that circle of people felt that they needed the h2g2 creations, such as Ampton, The Celery, and Witty Moniker's slerpee machine. *Click. Next slide shows h2g2 hovering in the air above the BBC Planet* Face-After braving many perils, they finally discovered where the Guide had been taken. They thwarted the security measures, and made their way to the other side of Mt. SandEverest, where they discovered several gigantic rock cairns, along with occasionaly flashes of purple and a mysterious force that kept appearing and removing various things that happened, that appeared, and that were said. *Click. The next slide is just a quickly scrawled phrase saying "Go to http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F32669?thread=101376 for more details." Click. Next slide shows two pictures: one of a room with an ominous looking computer with the term "Moderators Only" on the screen, and the other is that of a giant cryogenic freezing chamber containing, of all things, forums* Face-The heroes made their way in, and discovered a work in progress that was removing various parts of h2g2! The term "moderation" covered a great deal of the equipment, and a gigantic wall blocked their way shortly after that door. Thinking quickly, Affy hacked into the moderation computer, figured out what was going on, and removed the impenetrable barrier. *Click. Next slide shows a strange looking jewel case containing a CD* Face-The rest of what happened to h2g2 is, as the saying goes, history. However, before leaving, Afgncaap5 copied the Moderation Software onto a CD. The adventurers were soon kicked out, without being searched, some how, and Afgncaap5 had his own version of the Moderation Software, with which he planned to end all crime on h2g2, gain a slight upper hand in releasing new technologies, and fix several various objects at CLI that were in various stages of disrepair (leaky faucets, lightbulbs with bad filaments, and the like). However, someone else at h2g2 had other ideas. *Click. This one says "Intermission until URLs are gathered"* Face-Hey,I may be omniscient, but that doesn't mean I can gather info at a snap, right? Anyway, take five Reuben, everyone else, take a trip to the snack bar! *A concession stand appears as the character who is called in the credits "Face" vanishes. Affy and KL look at each other, still confused*

[Saria] [very loudly] HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON???

[YK, Link, and Rodrigo start talking simultaneously. They realize this fact, and stop, and then each waits for one of the other two to explain. This stalemate is broken by Mackenzie, who explains the whole thing so far to Saria, who appears to be satisfied.]

Face-Okay, now, time to go back to the next show! *The lights dim, and the next slide comes back up, showing the Minos Krylma that we all know and love, and Professor Tonks at STUMPED HQ, and a URL to http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F39392?thread=104242* Face-Due to a mole in Peregrine's Alabaster House Cabinet, Professor Tonks accidentally ended up before KL, who knew about Affy's trip to the cairns and the software that he had captured. He convinced Tonks that the software needed to be destroyed, before Affy became corrupt with the power. However, KL had already snagged a copy of the Moderation Software, thanks to Special Agent Chameleon, who was spying on the CD Analasys at http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F32669?thread=109738 . *Click. This one shows Affy powering up the TRC at CLI, and a URL marker points to http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F17563?thread=110707 for anyone bored enough to check the backlog* Face-When Affy, Tonks, GL, and YK (who just happened to show up about then) figured out what was going on, they formed the plan to destroy KL's new weapon (KL now being the sole possessor), and went back to 33 BC, hoping that Minos wouldn't dare shoot at the past version of himself. *Click. This one shows the rat-ant nest* Face-Meanwhile, Minos Krylma had already decided to use his CG at the rat-ant nest, to bring back his pets, and the rest is history. Now,.... *The slide projector temporarily goes blank, just as Reuben returns to play a dramatic chord on the piano* Face-Can anyone tell me why Minos can shoot little Minos without fear of the past? *An idea dawns in Affy's mind, but he holds back for anyone else who's been paying attention*

[Saria] Is it because they aren't the same person?

Face-Ah, you're on the right track, young one. But *WHY* are they not the same person?

/* Eats popcorn */
If he shoots a younger version of himself with a continuity gun, he, erm, um, maybe he erases the fact that the younger version of himself ever came forward in time, restoring the storyline to the exact same state as it was before he shot himself?

Does anyone want to see my slides of Zeppo as a puppy?