h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Or there's always the loud:

-Hmm these Brownies are lovely, don't you agree Archbishop Marv?
-Oh yes. These must be the best I ever tasted! Won't you have another?
-Of course. We've plenty to spare. I think we might need some help to eat all of these.
-Definitely. But they'd have to work in the church and pay a tihte..

Damn! I haven't paid mine yet!I'll go and look under my altar. There must be something there..

*disappears under the altar*

It must be getting quite crowded under there by now...

I like the thought of a combination of the lovely smell of chocolate wafting and the loud conversation - with liberal doses of "Spork" and "Chocolate" thrown in. As for foot massages, good idea, but not necessarily pratical, what with our hands covered in chocolate and all. I'll send you a vitual one anyway, though - sounds like you need it!

(from beneath the altar)Hey, I've been looking for that for ages! Really expensive! Can't give that.

*sound of things being knocked over*

Oh dear!

*emerges from beneath altar*

You're right it is getting crowded under there. I'll look for a tithe later.

I take a day off and I have squatters under the altar. What is this church coming to?

The altar, aparently!

*chucks lots of coffee under the altar to sustain those tithe-hiders...*
*disappears quickly before beeing seen by Z*

Come one come all to the Confessional.
http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?thread=27595&forum=25058

Come to confess your sins and leave your worries behind.

-Archbishop Marv

Thanx kats-eyes! It'll take ages to get the coffee off some of that stuff!
Ok Ok I'll pay my tithe. Wait here.

*dissappears under altar which now smells of coffee*

(from beneath the altar)
Psst! Zed! You know you were dying to torture someone...Well for spoiling a symbolic relic (not to mention all my stuff stahed away under it) don't you think kats-eyes deserves to be, you know, exterminated...?

kats-eyes was just trying to give us all some coffee! She didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!

ekthterminated? I am an inquithitor, not a dalek!

I afwaid I can't do requethtth. Athk the Mathter. If he tho orderth, it shall be done.

Z

And I will never order the extermination of one of my flock. Unless heavily bribed.

I can't believe everyone resisted the urge to scream "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our cheif weapon is suprise! Suprise and..."

It would be the Brownie Inquisition anyway.

I don't tthink I thould thay what our >chief< weapon ith. thrategic armth limitation ttreatith, y'know?

Z

Oh.

I am now your Random Street Lunatic. I am willing to shave my head and wear saffron colored robes handing out flowers and pamphlets to any passerby who wander too close. Barring that, I will be your White Slave Trader. (For those of you who think you should be offended, look it up. It's worse than you think.)

Greetings and salutations oh great Church!! I would like to be a member and I come bearing fudge, which is really like a dense extremely chocolatey brownie....plus I make excellent fudge...the best ever....really...please take me.....

Glad to see you've made it here Sandwich Maker. Welcome All. (it may be a bit before I get you all on the church records).

right! it was in mugs, to help you hiding the tithes! do I have to be exterminated because you were clumsy??
but I *could* need a comfy chair