h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

groveling 101:
a) put on your best puppy dog face
b) bring a tear to your eye
c) get on your knees
d) hold your hands above your head towards the person you are groveling to
e) offer to kiss their feet
f) if e does not work offer to clean their shoes with your toothbrush
g) bring alcohol and chocolate fishies to lay at their feet
h) lower your head in their presence so as not to make eye contact and tell them that because of their greatness you cannot look upon their face

if these steps don't work then you must offer to sacrifice yourself to them this is the only way to be forgiven for your earlier transgressions
monsy (by the way....i am FEMALE as well )

You see? She's got it down to an art... Monsy, I think this should be made an article... I know you're not much of the article writer, but the instructions were absolutely fabulous...

i may just have to shock everyone and actually write something LOL!!!

Please keep in mind, Fenchurch, she learned the "finer points" from me!


NM

Fenchurch is a FEMALE?!!?? GOOD LORD!!!

Groveling? I majored in groveling, whining, and brown-nosing in university! I'm a MAJOR groveller, Ms. Fenchurch! See?

My dear woman, please forgive me for my blantant ignorance concerning your gender, sexual preferences, and other things not immediately apparent from the textual context in which we intereract! I'm wholly to blame for all things evil, disreputable, and otherwise nasty, and even like doing all that stuff, too!

As to the spitting, why, I'm no sexist! I'm quite aware that many young women of breeding have strove to become maestros of the *skit*, *hock*, and *ptoooey*, and have even gone on to reach heights an amateaur such as myself could never hope to aspire to!

Actually, I'm in the habit of refering to women as "you guyz", simply because it pisses them off...

But she grows a GREAT beard, and can spit with the best of us!!!

(See "Groveling 101" above!)

NM

Ah, Ms. Moonshari! Good to see a woman who has mastered the basics of grovelling, at any rate! I like that in a woman! Hey, keep up the good work!

Fenchurch grows whiskers too? GOOD LORD! She could be the perfect woman!

Ya know,.....I think that might just work! You're quite good....you must be, or have been married!

NM

Yes Baron.....I must agree with Fairly Strange about that....you did a fine fine job, she's just got to forgive you after that moving grovel up there
monsy

Excellent grovel. You are a master of the greased forlock and fawning pose. I could feel the tepid ooze in every syllable. Heruehueh (shudder). Still certainly brings the phlegm out in me, and we do like that...

That grovel alone has earned you a reference on my page. Good job. I am very very impressed. You deserve a Tony- an Oscar- and a Daytime Emmy for that performance, I think I'll send you Les Mis for free.

Interestingly enough, despite my spitting ability, facial hair, and genderless demeanour, those spiders with the really skinny legs still scare the crap outta me.

Oh unravel the mystery Ye Great Fenchurch ! Show thyself !

errmm......I think this could....errmm.....no....forget it, I was never here!
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OH!!!!
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Actually, I've honed and groomed my grovel in order to AVOID marriage (though many women have refered to me as the "perfect man"- imagine how much one must grovel to get out of THAT kind of situation, after groveling to get oneself INTO it!). Groveling at such levels as I aspire to cannot be maintained on a constant, 24-7 basis required by marriage. Better to leave them "wanting more", go home, take a shower and rest up- then come back with a grovel one can be PROUD of!

Give them "nothing but your best" and you, too, will be refered to as the "perfect man"!

well....i myself have met a man or two in my time that has perfected the art of groveling to get the woman then once he has her finds he does not want to hence causing them to perfect the art of groveling to get rid of her.....quite a sight to behold i must say
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sorry just have to do something real quick here...........
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ahhhh!!!! i feel much better now

Thank you, Merkind, kind soul! Your praise and phlegm are duly noted and held with all the esteem a seasoned groveler can muster!

Why thank you for the honor of mention, the Oscars, Emmys, and whatnot, Ms. Fenchurch!

I have since checked out your page, and might I say that you're quite the lovely creature! However, where are the whiskers? Anybody got a pic of Fenchurch with whiskers?

I have to agree with you about the spiders. Unless they're taratulas or "Grandad" spiders, I would rather not have them touching me. The reason being that tarantualas rarely bite (unless handled roughly) and "Grandads", despite being the most toxic of the spiders, just don't have the mandibles to inflict a bite on a human.

I have been bitten by brown recluse spiders before- they leave a huge crater of a scar in your body wherever you were bitten. Horrible things!

What was really creepy, was having this HUGE, saucer-sized spider of indeterminate type crawl out from an easy-chair I had just purchased from a local "antique" shop- while I was sitting in it. I looked down, after feeling something weird on my upper thigh, and saw this monster crawling up the arm of my chair (it had merely brushed my thigh in it's climb). EWEEEEEEEE!

Ah, Ms. Monshari! You do not know the depths of training, study, and practice one must put into the artful grovel! Especially if one wants to avoid marriage (which would ruin my reputation as the "perfect man") and still get the girl! It's hard, hard, hard work!

*Ptooey!*
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