h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*raising her voice slightly so the Ancient One can hear her clearly*

It was a closely matched contest that will be talked about in years to come, a real clash of heroes.

[Bulma] That depends on what they /say/ about it.

Lizard-Rat Thing-

Lizard-Rat Thing-


Since GL is chewing PAG, I imagine that The Ancient One will listen to commands that GL doesn't innactively have anything against.

I'm probably being dense, but what do we want with one of those cribs?

If we got a look at a bounty hunter's license we could try forging one. But wouldn't it take a rather long time to get to Althia, negotiate a purchase then get back here to continue the hunt?

Lizard-Rat Thing-

[Mog] Ooh, I know! I'll distract them using a stupid dance that will summon a Winter Storm, and then, using mostly spoons, we can defeat them by sheer surprise!


[Vegeta] That almost sounded good until "mostly spoons."

Lizard-Rat Thing-

You'll be surprised at what I have in my pockets! There are eight teaspoons with the things to start with.

Yeah, I ~was~ trying to think of a way to beat the cribs, not have one of my own. I don't keep captives -- even my pets only live with me because they choose to do so.

But there's something in your winter storm idea, Mog. Has everyone still got their VPBs?

What transport besides the Ancient One do the Bettys have? Did anybody manage to ruin their transportation chamber? I wonder whether we could just wait for them to leave the prison and deal with them out here, preferably in the middle of a serious blizzard.

If they have shuttles of any kind, then we need to find those. Maybe we could use them; we could leave Garius here to work with the Ancient One and we could fly shuttles. Ancient One, is there a shuttle bay at the prison?

[Mog] ... Really? My idea's good?


[All Three] No!


[Mog] Cool!

What's this about "Betty"? Anyone out there ever hear of Bette Midler?


Ancient One-

Lizard-Rat Thing-

Dr. Sartasmus-Oh, come on! Weren't you "heroes" listening to a word said by any of the five of us in the Dungeon???

Dr. Greklas-A lot's happened since then, Sartasmus, give them a chance to-

Sartasmus-Why? Listening to things said by others is a *necessary* skill for being a succesful adventurer! Villains accidentally reveal the flaws in their plans, friends pass on information that they believe to be meaningless but which actually saves the day, the list goes on!

Greklas-At the time we weren't really friends or enemies, we'd just kind of realized that they weren't who we thought they were and that-

Sartasmus-Look, you people. WE'RE the means of escaping! Our CASTLE is the only ship ever constructed capable of making it out of here without an Infinite Improbability Drive field, and only ours won't accidentally turn the entire crew into Zalagasan Ai-Ais or cause the Asteroid to turn into cheese or something!

*Sartasmus turns away from the rest of the group and leans against the wall, continuing to mutter incoherently. Greklas stares at Sartasmus for a moment with his disturbingly large alien eyes and turns back to the adventurers*

Greklas-He's had a rough day. Anyway, let me tell you my spin on things: I was overjoyed when Garius Lupus managed to defeat The Ancient One because it meant that the five of us could both keep our deal with you people, and that we could also keep our deal with BETTE. You see,-

Sartasmus-And what group of villains names themselves "Bette"? Why not just say, "The Middler Association", or something? "The Villainous Broadway Review!" I can see it now! "We're the greatest Vaudevillains in history!" Bah!

*Awkward silence ensues*

Greklas-You see, since the Ancient One is a member of BETTE, we could say that we were prepared to side with the member of BETTE on Garius' side because he was the first one that we met. B.E.T.T.E. might then be forced to surrender to us rather than battle with one of its own. As powerful as every individual member of B.E.T.T.E. is, even a one on five match would probably mean some noteable casualties.

[Mog] The notable casualties being the five going against the one?

Right, I should have remembered that. It's so hard to keep track over such a long period of time on so many threads that are relatively inaccessible because of site slowdowns...


Then the Ancient One is the only way BETTE can escape from the surface of the planet, and they probably intend to get away using the Castle. Dodgy, very dodgy.

It occurs to me, Mog, that you will have trouble assembling a snowstorm on an asteroid.

Why don't we get to the Castle first and be waiting for BETTE when they arrive, if the transporter is working? Of course, that means leaving the Jedi here, which is bad.

Does anyone else have any ideas?

Greklas-Forcing a truce. We have the Ancient One, quite possibly the most powerful member of B.E.T.T.E. When everyone then boards The Ancient One, we can send a signal to Greg who can teleport The Ancient One and everyone in him to the Castle's launch pad. We can then escape with the Castle.

Sartasmus-As for the teleportation chambers, they're not in a very good shape. Totally destroyed by that Zakkry person.

FACE's Voice-EVERYONE, PLEASE STAY WHERE YOU ARE FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT REGARDING THE GAME!

*As he says this, a large monitor pops up, revealing FACE at his Pan-Dimensional pad, cheered on in the background by several other Pan-Dimensional entities. Even in the Pan-Dimension, he just looks like a giant floating head*

FACE-It's time for the final part of the show! There are two categories of winning here: who has found who, and who has who in their party at the moment.

*Cheers from the Pan-Dimensional beings*

Sixth place goes to Bass and Treble for being the ones to find Trinstar in Sartasmus' Crypt!

*The monitor briefly switches to show Bass and Treble (see below for a URL)*

Fifth place goes to Garius Lupus for finding Affy4!

*The monitor briefly switches to show Garius Lupus at the Mesa (see below for the URL)*

Fourth place goes to The Salonistas for being in posession of the frozen body of Trinstar!

*The monitor briefly switches to a view of the Mesa at F125887?thread=338388 where everyone is waiting inside The Ancient One*

Third place goes to YK for being in the same party as Affy4, Afgncaap5's descendant. Affy4 is very close to Affy5 in DNA and principles.

*The monitor briefly switches to a view of the Maximummer Security Brig at F127150?thread=349843 where YK and Affy4 would be seen were it not for the dense tear gas*

Second place goes to Kudos, who not only *found* the anti-Affy5, but also has anti-Affy5 in his group. Being an exact likeness to the DNA of Affy5, this is as close as one could be without actually finding Affy!

*The monitor briefly switches to a view of Level 5 at F127150?thread=347531 *

And finally, first place goes to....Oh, I can't read it!

*Groans and death threats come from the other Pan-Dimensional entities*

Okay, fine. The winner of the first place position....who will also win the fate of the real Afgncaap5, Minos Krylma, The Philosopher's Stone, the Elixir Of Life, and a Vegimatic is....is....now where did I put that envelope....

*The various entities begin powering up for an attack*

Ah, here it is! First prize goes to....AMPTON, the head of security at CLI who has both found Afgncaap5 *AND* has Afgncaap5 in his current location!

*The monitor briefly switches to show Ampton, a bound and gagged Affy5, and a laughing Guru all at F26840?thread=311611 where Ampton looks very, very surprised*

*The assembled pan-dimensional entities power down and begin cheering*

Well, that's all for now! Head home, everyone. Sorry if you're in an unusual predicament at the moment, but I'm bound by rules that prevent me from, say, just letting the good-guys win. You've gotta get home on your own. See ya!


*The monitor vanishes. The Lizard-Rat Thing looks in surprise and blinks*

Lizard-Rat Thing-

[Mog] ...!!!


[Vegeta] Okay. I did NOT see this coming.

OK, who wants to go back home and who wants to stay here on the prison asteroid?

Sartasmus-We'll most likely have to stay here for a while anyway. Until Greg gets that teleporter working, there's no way of returning to the Castle with our broken shuttlecraft.

Greklas-And we still have to pick up B.E.T.T.E. to break them out of this prison.