h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*A dank, slimy tunnel leads up towards what looks like an open grave, through which one can see the stars in the sky above thanks to the stairs leading up that abruptly end at this point. The passage stretches off to the left and right from here, with strange noises coming from either way*

*Irving climbs down through the grave, and comes to the bottom of the stairs. He looks around, with his sunglasses glowing slightly green because they are in night-vision mode. He hopes Lil is right behind him.*

Unless anyone has a better idea, I'm taking the left fork.

*Irv turns towards the left, and hesitates momentarily, hoping someone has a better idea of where they want to go than he does.*

[Bass] Whatever. I don't care, 's'long as there gets to be a fight!

[Treble, like any dog in this kind of situation, starts sniffing the ground.]

*What sounds like a little girl singing in the distance down the fork to the left can be heard. It begins incoherently, but eventually comes near enough to be audible*


-would leave me there,
But I can't find them anywhere,
N'er up or down the endless stair,
The old one with the flaming hair,
Her misery and strife to share,
And all around here must beware,
The cruel and ghostly, ghastly stare,
Of this and more, in-


*The song fades into the distance, and a chilly breeze briefly comes from that direction*

*Comes barrelling noisily down the stairs, but is brought up abruptly by the voice, which is a good thing as otherwise she'd have charged straight into the hesitating Irv.*

Did anyone else hear that? Would be much improved by being put in a major key, I feel.

*close behind Irv, trying to breathe calmly* This tunnel is slimy.

[Treble wurfs nervously]

[Bass] Aww, c'mon, it's just someone singing ... [gestures forward with hus Buster]

Well, I think it would be only logical to go /nearer/ to the creepy singing rather than further away.

*Goes after the voice*

[Bass] Yeah, yeah, whatever. [follows]

*The same voice can be heard from the opposite direction just a few moments later, still singing*


-in another land.

Where's the sign to point the way,
Or what's the stranger's mind?
Do I listen to what he has to say,
Or by myself search and find?

Following lights and sounds and scents,
I've lost them now, in dark apartments
Where they're still trapped without a-


*The voice fades out, again followed by the strange breeze*

*sticking close to Irv* So the ghosts here are quadrophonic, are they?

Wait a minute... Lil, I read this paper that Affy wrote once. He mentioned that megolomaniacs (presumably anyone who would create a castle like this is a megolomaniac) often hide clues to vital information in more or less plain sight... I wonder if the lyrics this girl is singing are a clue?

[Bass] How should /I/ know!?


[Squall] [as Bass] When I'm in character, I'm a jerk!

[Roll] I know you are, Squall.

[Squall] Hey!

[Link] [as Treble] Ruh-roh.

*A sign posted on the wall just by the stairs may now be noticed by any who choose to see it*


<---Laboratory, Workroom, Personal Chambers
--->Barracks, Armory, Warehouse, Teleporter

*adjusts the infra red eyepiece over her left eye*

It's amazing, almost as good as daylight.

We could toss a coin to choose the direction.

[Bass] [staring at sign] Armory? I wanna see what kind of weapons these guys've got!!

[Dylan] [hanging upside-down from above the top of the screen] You know, you COULD split up again.

[Bass] You get outta here! [raises his Buster]

[Dylan] Fine. [disappears]

Armory, Warehouse, Teleporter -- those are all good ideas. An armory for new weapons, a warehouse to cure my claustrophobia and a teleporter to get out of here!

I agree, I love armouries and there is always space in a warehouse to put a picnic blanket down. A teleporter to the ladies loo in Fortnum and Masons would be useful.

[Bass] So, we're decided, then?


[Squall] [in the classics "and somewhere in the world a helicopter exists" tone of voice] And none of them considers the possibility that the barracks might be nearer.

I'm too lazy a writer for that.