h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Bass inputs the other stuff, his stance indicating that if /he/ were the one typing this, he'd have typed, "types in the other ", only with something else instead of the ]

[Bass] C'mon, try saying something that'll prove it's you!

Um....I once created a massive laboratory complex from the remains of a crashed UFO after a bad time travel experiment at a donut stall.

Hmmm....I once created a massively evil super villain known as The Krylma Leader by building a machine that would entrap the minds of other people on h2g2 in my own body, and accidentally channeled his character from The Donuts Are Not Enough, the h2g2 produced movie, thus turning the fictional villain into an evil alternate personality. We continued like this until he was able to clone his old body from DNA imprints in his mind, but this was well after he had created and began working evil through S.T.U.M.P.E.D. and I had helped to be a founding member for C.H.O.P.P.E.R.S. Quite the double life.

Let's see....I once inherritted a Mansion from one Lord Reflection, who actually turned out to be a super villain known as The Masque Of The Red Rejection eMail (though he was the Red Herring at the time). This villain once shared a body with you, Irv, if I remember things correctly.

I was a participant in the first annual h2g2 parade after being in the forum conversation that triggered the parade's creation. Namely, the conversation where my friend Garius Lupus was knighted.

I honestly can't think of anything much else to say that you would know, really. Most of the noteable events are fairly common knowledge, I'm afraid.

Oh, I know! I was a member of The Celery's campaign board back when he was running for President!

[There's a long silence. Then a slightly shorter one.]

[Bass] Does anyone know if that's true?

Yeah, that's all true... I'm pretty sure it's him, actually. Just one more question, Affy, how do you get past the telephone in Zork: Grand Inquisitor without using any spells?

In the meantime, go about trying to release him, Bass.

Zork is so

Irving, you little cheater.


Bass, highlight Active1 instead of any of the Prisoner listings. It's some weird trap system he has rigged. Zombies'll fall out all over the place.

Now, the phone from Zork Grand Inquisitor without using spells? That's a fun one. I got bored with the simplicity of the Kendall spell, so here's what I did: I wrote down what every single button on the telephone did. Then I wrote down the required buttons for the answers to the questions. Then I listened to the questions and used the buttons to answer them.

For instance, I believe that to press six, I had to press two, and that the answer to six was "The Wandering Town Of Thriff" which had previously been a location in Beyond Zork. Anyway, when the question "The wizard Orkin used the Ethereal Planes of Atrii to transport what around?", I already knew that he used Thriff because I once went there and read his journal. So, because the answer was six, I had to press two for the phone to understand that I meant to press six, and I received the next question.

Casting Kendall is faster, but much less enjoyable IMHO. So enjoyable that I've rigged a security system based around the concept at CLI, you know.

[Bass] [highlighting Active1; sounding like his patience is strained] NOW what??

Well, remember, Red is the villain, Arl is a hero, Irv is just Irv. He's not a hero, per se.


Yeah, that's Affy. He's the only one who'd know he'd rigged up a security measure on his computer using that /particular/ system.

Now select "release" from the options in that new menu Bass. Get me out of here quickly, it's cramped.

[Bass does so.]

*Arches Eyebrow, but it's dark enough that this doesn't really have much effect on anything.*

I do hope that is just a breeze I hear and not Zombies making that rustling noise.

*shivers*

Uh-oh.

*The twin jets of steam turn off now as two lazers fire at each other. The two beams of energy strike each other and form what appears to be a rift in the space/time continuum (after all, those in this forum have probably experienced enough of them to get the general impression of one when they see it). This particular rift does not open very widely at all, but out falls what appears to be Afgncaap5. Along with his traditional adventurer's garb, he appears to be wearing manacles over his hands. The manacles do not, however, prevent him from quickly grabbing his sword and slicing through the machine repeatedly. As if posessed, he doesn't stop even when the machine has obviously ceased to function. He keeps hacking away at it until it lies in pieces on the ground. Sighing, he sheathes his sword and turns to the group, scowling*

Thank you. Had it stayed open much longer, the other prisoners might have escaped. I was the guardian of that machine of imprisonment, though not willingly. I had to contain that machine and act as the bridge between this world and the world where all of Dr. Greklas' prisoners are held. As the bridge, I was able to fathom all of their mysteries, secrets and desires. Not an enjoyable experience, and I'd rather never have to face most of those entities again.

*By now, the Salonistas have probably noticed that his ears are definitely pointier than the standard Zorkish humanoid, that his eyes are definitely darker, and that his teeth seem to be more carnivorous than omnivorous, all pointy and sharp. Without another word he begins whistling and marching in the opposite direction*

[Bass] [oblivious] Okay, I want it in the record here and now that /I'm/ the one who released you, i.e. I win the --

[Treble] Woof! Woof! [starts growling at Affy]

[Bass] Huh? [finally notices something] Hey, what's up with your ears and teeth!?

And opposite direction to what?

Opposite direction of the one that the group was heading in.


*He dissappears into the shadows of the tunnel just as FACE appears*

FACE-My my, someone claiming the stone already??? But certainly you listened when I spoke to Irving earlier, didn't you? I hope Irv didn't take all of that stuff I said about lying to him too seriously.

[Bass] ... What??

[Dylan] [hanging down from above the top of the screen] You didn't listen to the whole message, did you?

[Bass] N-no! I just ... wanted to say that /I'm/ the one who freed him!!

[Dylan] Riiight. [disappears again]

*Does his best Spock impression*

It's Affy, Jim, but not as we know him.

*No more Spock, as that's just silly*

Apparently this being shares enough of Affy's brain to... wait! That's it! Affy is one of the other prisoners in that rift that he just closed! He said he was sharing the consiousness of all the other prisoners... and he's just closed the only rift! He may be the only one who knows another way to get to the Affy we know and love (the one what would allow us to win the stone). After him, but don't hurt him!

*Runs after Afgncaap... um.... 3? 6? What?*

[Bass] ... D'OH!