h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*little tweety birds begin to circle UH's head. he swoons momentarily, stopping only to ask*

duhhhh....which way did he go? which way did he go?

*suddenly, he recovers, and presses the do not press button again. the same boxing glove shoots out and hits him between the eyes. he falls over backwards*

well, it was supposed to egage red dog's ejector seat...

*presses another button and the convert-a-car turns into Pub on wheels . Red Dog engages auto pilot*

OK Uncle, let me fix you a and a . I think its about time we need to fix that compact pussycat

*pulls beer taps in a special sequence releasing a tonne of pork scratchings and a lake of cheap lager onto the road turning it into a slippery death trap *

heh heh heh heh

*Busterbone enters Bouldermobile and puts pedal to the metal*

Captain CAVEMAAAAAAAANNN!!!!!

*Slowly comes to his senses in the back seat and sits up. Looks out the front window and sees that the car is headed straight towards a tree.*

LOOK OUT!

*Dives for the blue button marked "Emergency Avoidance". He pushes the button and the seats all swivel to point backwards.*

*sees tricky road surface*

Hmmm.

*presses a green button*

*water jets clear the road*

Let's go, cats!

*speeds off at full throttle*

*looks into the back seat at Arl* While you're back there, could you find some replacement strings for the electric sitting back there and replace the broken one? I broke a string when the car swerved earlier....

*hands strings up*



RL will be keeping me from H2G2 for a while. See my journal for details

*contimues to drive while various twangings ensue*

Can you see the dogs?

we`re here in this tree we hit

*comes to upside down in tree surrounded by foliage*

Looks at a very large neon illuminated button flashing on the control panel marked `REAL GENUINE EMERGENCY NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE EVERYDAY COMMON OR GARDEN VARIETY .... *goes on like this for a while* .... SO ONLY PRESS IF YOU ABSOLUTELY, DEFINATELY HAVE TO*

*presses and Convert-a-car flickers, does several somersaults, and converts to a turbo-charged cut down 4 wheel drive. Mounted on the side of the car are two deep sea fishing type seats with rods and hooks, nets and other cat capturing paraphenalia*

OK boys lets get em.

Bwaa hah hah hah hah hah hah

*says something quite, quite rude*

*looks desperately along the dashboard*

*presses yellow button*

*turbo jets flare*

YEEEEEHAW!

*pulls away from dogs*

*shifts to 1st gear*
*shifts to 2nd gear*
*shifts to 3rd gear*
*shifts to 4th gear*
*shifts to 5th gear*
*shifts to 6th gear*
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*shifts to warp factor 10 until she canna tak any more Capten*

*Catches up with Compact Pussycat. Sits 4 inches away from rear bumper, flashes headlights, honks horn repeatedly and shouts something unintelligable about feline drivers*

*puts turbo into second gear

I'M NOT A CAT!

*pulls away*

*presses green button*

*many tacks appear on road*

We don`t care and we`re not going to let accuracy get in the way of a good line

*Pulls out large cartoon mallet from trouser pocket, climbs onto bumper and hammers all the tacks in very fast as they speed along*

*presses blue button*

*a large oil slick appears behind the cat's car*

~spins on oil slick~

~spins again~

~spins thrice and ends up chasing the Mushroom and the Cat* in a peculiar way~

Errr .... is driving sideways down a one-way street an offence here ?

~looks in mirror and sees flashing blue lights in the distance~



* three years at University, 2 years post-graduate education and I end up chasing a Mushroom and a Cat driving a pretend car. If my parents ever found out *sigh*

*UH recovers and then leans deftly from the passenger seat, attempting, with a net, to grab arl. narrative convention dictates that, at that moment, both cars have to swerve away to avoid a dear little bunny rabbit. they come together again, and UH takes another swing. at this point, narrative convention dictates that they enter a town, travelling down a narrow street which is being crossed by two men in poveralls carrying a huge sheet of glass. these are in front of a large melon stall. this is in front of a low bridge.*

I can't look!

*looks desperately at dashboard*

Oh no! I've ran out of buttons! Oh hell!

*accelerates towards impending crash*

*reaches glass, with a large area infront*

Hold on, guys!

*does a handbreak turn*

SCREEEEEETCHHHhhhhh....

*Slowly comes to his senses in the back seat and sits up. Looks out the front window and sees that the car is headed straight towards two men in poveralls (whatever THEY are) carrying a huge sheet of glass. These are in front of a large melon stall. This is in front of a low bridge. (So, it's men-and-glass, melon stall, bridge in that order.)*

LOOK OUT!

*Dives for the blue button marked "Emergency Avoidance". Remembers its effect at the last minute and hits the purple button beside it instead. Parachutes billow out the back of the car, halting it inches from the glass. Unfortunately, BBW didn't have his seatbelt on and he rockets out the front window of the car, through the glass sheet, through the melon stand (sending melons rolling everywhere) and into the side of the low bridge, where he falls to the ground.*

Just throw me in the back seat, guys. I'll come to just in time to yell "LOOK OUT" again.

Woohoo!

*throws it into second and speeds off in the opposite direction*