Journal Entries
Just a journal entry that I'm going to regret tomorrow
Posted Dec 7, 2006
I'm getting sloshed on a bottle of wine right now, so that made me pluck up the courage to write a journal entry again.
So, yeah, my depression has come back. It's been going on for weeks on end and it doesn't seem to stop. 
I've got an appointment with the university's psychologist next friday, so I've got to wait another week (actually, I fixed the appointment a week and a half ago - pretty long time you have to wait, huh?).
I can do nothing but read, and do mechanical things like cleaning and washing up and things like that. Unable to do study or write or go out or even talk to people. *sigh* I hope they can help me, I had an extremely bad day about 2 weeks ago, I thought I was losing my mind. 
I want to go home so desperately - but I have to wait another 2 weeks. I'm missing a lot of things, I have a very strong desire to be at the seaside with someone - not alone, that would be useless. .
I can do nearly nothing for uni, and that gives me a bad conscience.
I'm going to bed now..Can I delete this tomorrow 
? But maybe I shouldn't. I just don't dare to write this normally, but it's true. Man oh man, that was one bad wednesday 2 weeks ago, I thought I was going crazy, stepping into nothingness with my thoughts. I never want to experience that again. And since (and before, also) I've been telling myself "It's going to be alright, don't worry", I'm just trying to convince myself . I've also had some feelings of panic in these last weeks, that was awful.
It has to get better. I'm going to move away from here, though I don't know how, but I'm really going crazy here. Why should it be so hard? 
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Latest reply: Dec 7, 2006
Saturday night
Posted Nov 18, 2006
I'm drinking this vile stuff: vodka with pink grapefruit 
The colour seemed pretty, so I bought the bottle...
A totally different thing: I'm worried. I feel helpless. My friend Mascha - I call her my second best friend, because yeah well nobody comes near Sabrina, but Mascha is a really good friend. Her (german) step-father died a week or so ago. I don't know how it will go from here. Her mother married this man to be able to live in Germany and get out of Belarus. I'm not sure how long they've been here though this may be of importance as the politicians have changed the rules for immigrants living here very recently. Mascha goes to university in Cologne, her little brother goes to school, her mother works free-lance, journalism here, theatre consultant there. In Belarus she was a university teacher of theatre-science and a journalist. Obviously bad luck under the Lukasheko-regime. Do they have enough money to keep the house? What about Mascha, she is turning 22 this december, does she have to quit university to work and make money? Does she have to go back to Belarus? I don't know. We've sent each other a couple of emails since, but if she doesn't want to tell me, I can't force her of course. For her personally, it will be a relief I think, she didn't get along well with her step-father *understatement* But I can vision her, having a bad conscience and making herself a lot of Vorwürfe... what's that word...blaiming herself...I hope it all goes well for her. I don't like it that we're 660 kilometres apart right now 
I've been reading for the last couple of days. I'm worrying for myself, too. I seem unable to make friends, I don't let people get close to me, I block them away. I just miss the known faces.
Going to read some more..
I live in my own little world
Discuss this Journal entry [2]
Latest reply: Nov 18, 2006
I'm off
Posted Aug 17, 2006
I've not been on holiday for 2 years now, so, I'll accept my parents' (
) offer to join them for 2 weeks at the dutch coast. I'd love to go swimming again, and maybe the rain will eventually cease a little and the temperature be over 20°C again .
Sorry to hootoo, I haven't read any replies to my last journal or followed other threads where I posted something. I think it's time for a little break.
I'll be back in september .
Discuss this Journal entry [9]
Latest reply: Aug 17, 2006
I didn't get where I am today by wearing underpants decorated with Beethoven.
Posted Aug 8, 2006
Oh god. I have just spent the last couple of days watching "The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin". I bought the whole series as a box set on eBay, because I thought it was very unlikely to ever see it again on TV, and I've been thinking about Reggie Perrin again during the last months. He's just my hero. Oh god, this show is so wonderfully funny and sooo incredibly melancholic 
. That last episode now leaves me with such a deep sadness as only fiction can. In my life there's no laughter, no love, no greatness. And does it ever get better? How do you cope with hopes getting crushed again and again? And everything being mediocre. The best joy I ever get is from music, and that's a private pleasure; or fiction, in form of books or films or TV, and that can't be it, can it?
I'm not sure if I should really post this, it sounds pretty bad.
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Latest reply: Aug 8, 2006
Need a laugh?
Posted Jul 14, 2006
The news these past days is worse than usual, it's really nauseating to listen to the radio, getting worse in the near east every day, and bombings in India, and ..ah well you all know
So I'll just share this which totally cracked me up just now - Wandering through the library today I discovered they had Michael Palin's "Full Circle" which I borrowed at once. I read it before, some years ago, it's the book accompanying one of his BBC travel-series, around the Pacific Rim. So: in a hotel in Punto, Peru, he writes:
"They have provided a thoughtful English translation of the Spanish telephone instructions, but I gave up after reading it twelve times:
>Mr. Passing:
If it did not obtain you response until the third stamped, I will serve you to cut the call and to return to attempt it, thus avoiding you the unnecessary collection of their its your his called since telephony system register the call as of stamped quarter through may not have been obtained response.
Thanks.<"
I really should be revising Business English because tomorrow's the exam, ...but this is much more fun 
Another thing, I think my new favorite animal will be the toad . Yesterday I was standing on the terrace, when I noticed a quiet plopping sound, so I looked around. And I found, sitting in the shade of some bush, a cute, brown toad. And it eats ants, the little darling ! The plopping sound (I found out after watching it for some time) was when its tongue snapped after an ant. Maybe I should keep it as a pet, it could free me of all the million insects that crawl around.
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Latest reply: Jul 14, 2006
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Susanne - if it ain't broke, break it!
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