h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[YK] [filtered voice-over] Shut up!

[The Millenium Bug starts blasting at all the Bad Guys with a surprising type of weapon. It's kinda like phasers-meet-disruptors-meet-Magitech.]

* Mike's Evilware, thankfully, is used to this, so is relatively unharmed. It wouldn't be a very good Evilware shop if it couldn't withstand the odd supernova from time to time - such things are very common when all your customers are Evil and don't like each other *

[YK] Zark! Use the anti-phasing turbo system!

[Mackenzie] The wha ... ? Oh. Right.

[She pulls a lever and the Bug starts blasting large holes in the shop]

* MaW scowls at the Bug, then opens a gateway so close to the front of it that it flies through before YK even sees it. The gateway shuts, and the Bug is now on the other side of the galaxy *

MaW: Gawd, what a mess!

Mackenzie, however ...


[The Bug materializes in front of the shop again and continues to blast holes in the shop, the ground, the mountain, and empty space.]

* Mike, owner of Mike's Evilware, is not happy. He comes out of his office and raises his voice to its legendary maximum level *

Mike: Hey! Leave my shop alone!

* a medium-range sensor scan would at this point reveal several hundred assorted police and military craft approaching the planet *

[YK] Eep.

[The Bug is transported to where it was before on the other side of the galaxy]

Hey guys, Wol's over at my place this evening, so I'm just gonna write him in, kay?


Wolf: *blinks apathetically at the spectacle before him*


Jade, however...


Jade: Do these come in a seven and a half?

Salesdroid: I think so... Lemme check... *she goes off to the back room*

Thras: *decidedly cranky bacause Jade has tried on 42 pairs of shoes* When do we get to shop for me...? You have your curse'd boots... *points to the crumpled pair of pink army boots near the bottom of the ever-growing pile of shoes at Jade's feet*

Jade: *sighs, stands, picks the boots up* Okay then, let's go find you summat...

Thras: Joy!

*they leave to the front of the store to pay.*


He's fast.


*Appears right behind Jade and Thras in that ever-so-creepy manner of his, wearing an EVIL tux like the one from the banquet scene, pokes her.*

Jade: *her hand automitically goes to the lightsaber clipped to her belt. She ignites it in a blaze of pink light and spins about to see... Wolf. Oh. That's all right then...* What the fremening bloody- *sighs* Oh well. Hi. *waves*

Thras: Don't sneak up on us like that! We could have killed you!

Wolf: NOT BEFORE I KILL YOU!!!! *Reaches out and begins strangling Thrasymachus.*

Jade: *she drops the lightsaber which deactivates itself as it hits the floor. Her hands go to her neck* S-s-top... You're kill-ing me... T-oo.

Wolf: Fine. *Stops strangling Thras, but doesn't let go of him.* After what you pulled earlier I oughta...

Jade: *rubs her neck and snatches Thras from Wolf's hands* What the zark do you think you're doing...? Or talking about... or... Ghaa!!! IDON'TEVENKNOWANYMORE!!!! GRRRR!!! *begins to storm off*

Wolf: *Snatches Thras off of her shoulder* "I don't think I should", she said. And what did you say? "Oh, go ahead, what harm can it do?"
HERE'S WHAT HARM IT CAN DO!! *He moves to punt Thras into the next system, but stops when he realizes that Jade probably wouldn't enjoy the experience.*

Thras: Get your fuzzy demi-human hands off me, fiend! *struggles*

Jade: *uses the Force to take Thras from Wolf's "fuzzy demi-human hands" and (with her snazzy new angel wings* flies to the next level of Mike's* Let's get outta here, Thras... *runs, accidentally bumps into Boba Fett, who was checkin' out the "Creepy Mandalorian Armour" section* Sorry... *keeps running*

Boba Fett: *(in a decidedly homosexual tone)* *sighs* People in the galaxy are /so/ rude these days...

Wolf: *Looks up as she flies over him, grins.* Okay. *Runs up the wall after her, bumps into Boba Fett and falls over.* Ow.

Boba Fett: Are you okay? *Helps him up.*

Wolf: Thanks. Have you seen a frighteningly pink blur shoot by here, by any chance?

Boba Fett: Yeah, she went that way. *Points.*

Wolf: Grrrrratitude!! *Runs off after Jade.*

Boba Fett: *Looks after him.* *Sigh.* He had a really great bum... Too bad he's straight.

Wolf: *Stops, turns, and winks. Then continues running.* I love messing with their heads...

jade: *ducks into a fitting room, gasping for breath*

Thras: You left your lightsaber back there, you know...

Jade: I'd noticed... *still breathing hard*

Thras: What're we gonna do?

Jade: I dun't know... *puts on her "hey look, I'm cool people" Peril sensitive sunglasses"*

Wolf: *From outside.* Lose something?

Jade: *her glasses turn perfectly black* Phrell. What do you want...?

Thras: Yeh, what she said...! *munches on a slightly stamped dragon biscut*

...

Wolf: An apology from the lizard would be nice.

Thras: *crumbs spray from his mouth* You tried to strangle me though!

Jade: He'll stop chasing us if you appologise...

Thras: Oh fine. *barely audible mumble* ...I'm sorry...

Wolf: I can't HEAR you!

Thras: *slightly louder* ...I'm sorry...

Wolf: That's my bad ear. Try it again.

Jade: Gods, he said he was fremening sorry. *looks at Thras* Just say it louder, kay?

Thras: *sighs* /Fine./ *shouts* I'M FREMENING SORRY YOU BIG JERK!

Wolf: Not sorry enough! *Leaps into the "fitting" room and dives for
Thras.*

Thras: Arrrgh!!! *is being strangled yet again*

Jade: *still wearing her sunglasses, oblivious to any surrounding activity, except for that kick in the head she just recieved* Ow! What the zark's going on...? Stop kickin'!

Wolf: That wasn't me.

Jade: *takes off the glasses* Well someone did... *pissed* Would you two knock it off? ICAN'TTAKEYOUANYWHEEERRREEEEEEEE!!! *opens the door to the fitting room, stands outside, since that's about as far as she can go without Thras*

Wolf: Okay. *Lets go of Thras.* I'm still gonna flush you down the toilet first chance I get.

Thras: *flies to Jade, sits on her shoulder*

Jade: Oh thank you. Thank you so incredibly bantha screwingly much. You've just signed my death warrant, you little... stupid... dragon!!!

Thras: I'm not feeling the love here...

Jade: *rolls her eyes, takes her sunglasses out again and puts them on* *sigh*

Wolf: *Walks out of the "fitting" room, takes Jade's arm.* Shall we be off?

Jade: /You/ can go wherever you zarking well please. *snatches her arm back* You almost zarking killed me! What do you zarking well expect...?

Thras: *thinks about sticking his tongue out at him, thinks better of it*

Wolf: I'm not the one making dates with supervillians first chance I get.

Jade: It wasn't a zarking date! What made you think that? He was going to buy me some coffee or summat! What of it...?

Wolf: "Or summat?" Yeah, then another "summat", then another, then you go back to his place, then you have another "summat", then you slip into "summat" more comfortable, and Muad'dib knows what happens next!!!

Jade: *throws her hands up into the air* This is nuts. Zarking nuts!

Thras: Nuts. Yesh.

Jade. *quietly* 8 minus seven...

Thras: *quietly also* Wan...

Jade: *blinks, eyes fill with tears, even tho you can't see them 'cos she has her sunglasses on* *sniffs* Watashi wa- Watashi wa-...

Thras: Now you're in for it, "Yuusuke.." *snickers*

Jade: *goes into an animeesque crying fit*

Boba Fett: *walks in to try on some pantyho- I mean a new jumpsuit. Very many, that...* *looks down at Jade* Awww... *pulls a tissue out of one of his many pockets, hands it to her* What's wrong?

Jade: *points at Wolf* He's mean.

Boba Fett: *winks at Wolf* Oh, you mean, him...? What did he do...? Oh nevermind... *runs over to Wolf, picks him up and slings him over his shoulkder* Yer commin' with me, hot stuff! *runs into the men's lavratory*

Wolf: Um...

Jade: *wipes her tears with the tissue Boba Fett gave her, looks around* What the zark-... *sighs* I need some coffee...

Thras: Boba Fett just ran off with your boyfriend...

Jade: ...? *raises an eyebrow* What?

Wolf: *Disembodied voice, talking of Thras.* Ah, he redeems himself! ...Hey! Don't touch me there! Oh, I don't think you guys want to hear this. *Fades out* No!! ONLY MY GIRLFRIEND TOUCHES ME THERE!! back offff........

Thras: *looks at her* You heard me... ...and him... ewww.. *shudders*

TO BE CONTINUED...

Jade: Nicely put YK, very nicely put.

Thras: Yesh... (Wan...)

Disembodied Wolf Voice: I would have to agree...DON'T TOUCH ME THERE!!!!!!!!!

* MaW emerges on the next level of Mike's Evilware and finds Jade's lightsaber. He picks it up, examines it thoughtfully, then nods in approval and pops it in his pocket. A short while later his wanderings take him close enough to hear Jade and Thras, so he goes into the fitting rooms. *

MaW: Ah, there you are! I found your lightsaber. *hands it over* Nicely made, by the way, even if it isn't as nice as my Evilsaber.

* MaW takes out and ignites his Evilsaber, with its blade of purest black. *

MaW: See?

[Sideshow Bob] Very interesting.

Jade: *sniffs* Thanx... *takes her lightsaber from MaW* My blade's p-p-inku.

Thras: She means pink.

Jade: Watashi wa... heeennn..

Thras: She tends to speak in Japanese when she's upset, you see. Pardon her...


All of the sudden, Frog from Chrono Trigger (it's an old school Super NES RPG, kids...) jumps out of the shadows and runs into the restroom. Thras follows him, leaving Jade in a crumpled heap on the floor near MaW.


Frog: Unhandeth the Wolf, fiend!

Boba Fett: *Lets go of Wolf in surpriuse and hastily pulls up his trousers* Wha...?

Frog: *to Thras* Thou canst bloweth fire, correct?

Thras: Can I blow fire...? *rolls eyes* Yesh. (Wan)

Frog: Lighteth up mine blade, if it pleaseth thou. *holds out his sword, Thras lights it up, Frog uses "Red Pin" On Boba Fett*

Boba Fett: *trousers are burning* OW! *suns about screaming, finallymakes a vapid attempt at putting them out on a nearby urinal*

Wolf: Thanks. *nods to Thras and Frog, runs out the door*

Thras: No prob! *flies out behind him* "Twas fun, frog dude!

Frog: No problemeth, Dragoneth type.

Thith ith thilly.

Wolf *to YK*: Wouldn't talk that way for too long with /him/ around. *Points to Boba.*
Wolf: By the way- *Pulls out a small shaped charge and places it facing upwards in a toilet, slams Boba in the chest with the butt of his palm, then sits him on top of the toilet.*
Wolf: (Sporadic Giggling)
*Runs out of the lavatory with his fingers in his ears.*
Lavatory: (Not-so-loud explosion sounds, kind of like sub-surface orbital bombardment from 20 or so klicks away, but in the next room)
Boba Fett *Shooting out the door with his entire backside on fire, since the shaped charge /just happened/ to set off his rocket pack. He lands in a large pile of not-so-evil pantyhose, which instantly catches on fire* Owwwwww!
Wolf: Now he really is a flamer! Tee-hee! *Tosses MaW a coin of rather high value.* Sorry about the mess. *Bounds away to the evil tail comb section.*

John Cleese Voiceover: *Reading from scrawled letter.* I object strongly to the previous postings. Many of my friends are mercilless, EVIL-hearted, soulless bounty hunters, and only several of them are homosexual!

This post has been removed.

* MaW takes the coin, confused, then resolves to keep it for himself because he's Evil. He waves his Evilsaber in the air *

MaW: Hey, Jade, when Thras ran off just now and left you in a heap, why didn't it leave him in a heap as well? Is he like half-way to being a witch's daemon? Although you can't do that only half-way so that's a bit silly really... or is he just stubborn?

Jade: *petting Thras* He /is/ a witch's daemon.

Thras: Wan. I mean yesh.

Jade: *lol* 8 minus 7?

Thras: Wan.

Jade: 6 minus 4?

Thras: Wan wan. Hey, stop that! *lol* Wanna go get some coffee?

Jade: Yesh. MaW dear, would you like to come...? And Wolf...?

Thras: Yeah! We'll treat!