h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Link] Not really.

[Navi] {Let's go in.} [exeunt]

Jade: A dimensional portal...? Sugoiiii!!!

Thras: She means "amazing." Pardon her, she's been paying far too much attention to those damned subtitled Japanese Anime shows she watches.

Jade: *stares at Thrasymachus, rolls her eyes, walks to the portal* Aren't you coming...?

Thras: A if I ever had a choice...

Jade: *smiles happily* It's been /such/ a long time since I got some decent clothing... I'm bloody /sick/ of these duds...
*points at her ensemble, which consists of some tight black leather pants, a long-sleved white shirt reading "Barenaked" with a maple leaf behind it (also tight), covered with a lcalflength shiny black jacket.*

Thras: Whatever... as long as we can get me some new metal tips for my claws... these are rusting.

Jade: You should have cleaned the blood off of them the last time-

Thras: I'm /aware/ of that, thank you....

Jade: *shrugs, winks nymphishly at MaW* Daemons... *walks through the portal quietly singing "Hard Day's Night"*

[The only person left is MaW. He could follow Jade, or he could engage in a soliloquy.]

* MaW tries to think of a soliloquy, but can't, so goes through the gateway. It slams shut behind him. *


Mike's Evilware stands in the middle of a majestic icecap. It is surrounded by ice and snow, and icebergs can be heard crashing into each other on a sea just over the horizon. The air is still and at -16 degrees Celcius. A fairly steady stream of small spacecraft descend to land in the underground parking facility, although many customers teleport down from a space station in geostationary orbit overhead. Not that it can be seen very well from the surface in the daytime of course.

The shop itself is massive, and constructed largely of ice, which has been coated with various coatings so it won't melt or break or fall down. Some big supports of carbon nanotubes provide the rest of the structure. The roof is entirely transparent.


* MaW looks around *

It must be summer... not normally this warm around here.

[Arthur Dent can briefly be seen in the background, boarding a starship]

[The sign to the store says, "Mike's Evilware" and under that, "A division of Microsoft"]

[Well of course it does, only the most Evil managers are accepted at such an Evil establishment. At the entrance, there is a coffee bar where videos of Evil Deeds can be watched over milkshakes and/or fresh blood.]

Jade: I believe that I am /completely/ lost...

Thras: Likewise...

Jade: *Stands close to YK and MaW, because one, she hsn't the slightest inkling of a clue how to get anywhere in this severely mixed-up place, and two, she wishes to know how much the coffee is, and if here's a starbuck's anywhere in the direct vicinity because she really needs a iced-white-chocolate-mocha--with a double shot of espresso seeing as she hadn't any coffee at all that day and is about to collapse from caffeine deprivation* Do they take republic credits...? *searches her pockets for any available cash*

Thras: Do you still have that credit card of yours..?

Jade: Somewhere... *absently searching her pockets* But I'll use my cash if they take the right kind...

Thras: *looks absently up at the store sign* ...A division of microsoft...? Are we in hell...? *perches on Jade's shoulder*

[There is a row of comm terminals inside. A sign above says, "Contact your minions while you wait!" Kefka is in line; Grand Admiral Thrawn is at the terminal in front of him. Kefka shoves Thrawn out of his way.]

[Kefka] My turn!

[A Noghri throws Kefka out the door and gives Thrawn a thumbs-up. Thrawn gets back to the terminal.]

[Thrawn] As I was saying ...

[Kefka flies out of the window and lands at MaW's feet.]

[Kefka] Stupid Imperials! They think that even though their Emperor's dead, they can strut around like they own the place! I'LL HAVE MY REVENGE! [He throws back his head and laughs. FX: Kefka's patented laugh from FF6]

MaW: Why don't you just use the terminal over there?

* he points to one that's free *

MaW: You'll have to run, though. There's a Cylon making for it. He shouldn't really be here - they're not Evil enough.

* MaW calls a bolt of lightning from the clear sky, which hits the Cylon right on the head. It explodes *

MaW: There you go. Stupid robot things... the Borg are much better villians. Speaking of which...

* a Borg cube is manoeuvering into a parking space *

[Kefka goes back in]

Jade: *Finds the coffee bar, (which does in fact take republic credits,) gets her iced-white-chocolate-mocha-with-a-double-shot-of-espresso, and sips it, watching the line for minion contacting with interest.* MaW dear, are they always this violent...?

Thras: Froody! A dragon biscut stand! Can we go, Jade...? Can we go...?

Jade: Yes, hold on a minute... *digs in her pockets for a few credits, saunters over to the stand*

Thras: I just noticed how starving I am...

Jade: What kind do you like, Thras?

Thras: The kind that has food-content in it.

Jade: Come now, Thras. What kind?

Thras: *stares at a long list of types* Hmmm... *scratches his head with a claw* What do you suggest, sir? That was to the seller-person.

Jade: *puts on her "Hey, I'm cool people!" sunglasses and rolls her eyes*

Sephiroth: The mint-chocolate ones are good... Or at least my daemon thinks so...

Thras: Hmm. That kind then. A bag, please...

Sephiroth: Right-o. *gives him a bag*

Jade: *hands him some credits, sips her drink, smiles* Nice sword.

Sephiroth: Thanks. You too.

Jade: *smiles again* It's a lightsaber, actually. I'm a Jedi. *smile*

Sephiroth: Uhmm... I know this might sound a bit forward, but uhmm, I'm getting off in a few minutes, *coughs* would you like to get a drink, or a sandwich, or something...?

Jade: *raises an eyebrow* Um. I dunno. I'm here with some friends, actually...

Thras: Oh what the hell, Jade. Just go...

Jade: *shrugs* All right. I'll be over in that general direction, okay? *walks back to MaW and YK*

Thras: *picks his bag of bisctus up in his claws and flies after her*

Sephiroth: *da da da daaa du du da du daaa!! (You know, the ff7 victory music.) Score!

YK's not here. He and Mackenzie flew off in the Millenium Bug, remember?

Sephiroth's cool, en't he?

MaW: Yes, Jade, the minion queues are always that violent. This is an Evilware shop you know? And I wouldn't go out with Sephiroth if I were you. That big sword of his has a very nasty habit of accidentally chopping bits off the bodies of people he dates. And you would look a bit strange without your nose...

*Wakes up*
Ahh, sorry, peaceful green fields always put me to......
*Looks around*
I would ask who was kind enough to help me through that portal in my sleep, but I don't feel like it.
*Sees Sephiroth standing a little to close to Jade. Crouches and bares his teeth*
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

[In the background, Darth Vader can be seen conversing with Dr. Robotnic, Pinky, and Brain about cybernetics. Actually, Pinky has been gagged, so he isn't saying anything]

Jade: MaW, dear, we weren't going to go on a "date," just a friendly get-togethe- *looks up, sees Wolf crouching and bearing his teeth, slaps herself in the forehead* Uhmm... hello, Wolf...

Sephiroth: *walks up behind her* Hey! You ready to go...?

Jade: Uhm, I don't think so. my, um... *points at Wolf*

Sephiroth: Is he trying to attack you...? *whips out his sword, ff7 battle music begins to play*

Jade: *touches him on the shoulder* Uhm, no, he's my boyfriend, actually...

Sephiroth: What? You didn't say anything about a boyfriend! Ah well. I supose we can still fight over you then, can't we...? Wolf...? *does the "bring it on" hand gesture from the matrix in Wolf's general direction*

Jade: Sometimes I hate video game characters... *sigh* This is all your fault, Thras.

Thras: /Mine...?/

[Kefka got smacked in the jaw during Seph's last remark]

[Kefka] Ow! Watch where you're whacking! [whips out a glowing blue sword and attacks Sephiroth with it]

*Calmly pushes Kefka out of the way with one finger after casting Eden, then ignores him.*

There is no sword.

*Sephiroth's sword decides to float away and go park itself on Eden as Kefka gets blasted to smithereens. Sephiroth makes pathetic jumping attempts to get it back, but decides to stop when Eden takes a rather threatening turn towards him instead of disappearing. He turns back towards Wolf and tries to look threatening.*

Your powers are weak, old man.

[Kefka gets up. He's MY character, so you can't kill him off like that!]

[Kefka] That's IT! You're FIRED!

[He points at Wolf and a blast of fire comes out of his finger and heads for said Wolf.]

[It becomes a FF battle scene. Simultaneously playing are the Boss Musics from FF6 and FF7. It will sound more ghastly than you can possibly imagine.]

* MaW casts out his hand, and a spell that makes it completely, utterly dark. All light energy within the area of effect (100 metre diameter sphere) ceases to exist the moment it appears *

MaW: Right, please calm down, all of you. This may be an Evilware shop but it's not the place for fighting.