h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Kefka] What? You've ruined my moment!

But not mine!!! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!

*Takes advantage of the fact that he's the only one with a hyper-acute sense of smell (And hearing!!! 'Ent' he grrrrreat?) to duck Kefka's fire spell*

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! (More EVIL laughter)

*Seizes the opportunity to smite Sephiroth while no one's looking, then snatches Jade away*

(To Jade): Guess they don't know how I get in the dark.

[Kefka] Miserable fools! I'll get you yet!

[Thrawn] Excuse me, but I believe you snubbed me.

[Kefka] And I'll do it again!

[He shoots Thrawn with a Magitech blaster. He misses and nearly hits Robotnic. Robotnic sends out his robots; a battle ensues]

* MaW lifts the darkness so he can get out a video camera and record the fun *

[various other fighting]

* Seven very burly Mike's Evilware security guards teleport in and begin to break up the fight. One of them tries to confiscate MaW's camera but instead gets thrown right across the shop to land, dazed, in a pile of sinister black leather gloves *

Jade: Yes, what MaW said. he seems to be the only male thinking rationaly at this point. If you wish to fight over me, do it outside... But I have to warn you that I'm not a large fan of violence, and iI am definately no prize to be won. I'm going to the restroom now to get away from you. *leaves to the ladie's room*

Thras: *sticks his tongue out at them*

Sephiroth: But-

Jade: *turns around huffily and goes into the ladies'*

* hits Sephiroth rather hard, sending him into a large display of sinister leather coats *

MaW: And don't even think about trying that big sword of yours, okay? I doubt very much it'll be very good if I make it go dark again.

[Kefka] YAAAAAAAAAARGH! You can't arrest me! I have a world to conquer!

*Tries to bite Kefka's head off, but fails because the little bugger has no neck. Decides to knock him over and jump on him while growling at the security guards, instead*

Try this, YK!! It's FUN!!

YK's not here, you bozo!


[Cut to a building with a sign on it saying, "Droid Arcade" and below that, "Free from the need to eliminate the metalmen!" Cut to the interior; there is all manner of droids in the arcade. Various shots of the metal beings there. Finally, we find Mackenzie playing three-dimensional billiards with an R2-unit and an assasin droid. A protocol droid is standing by. Mackenzie makes a real good shot. The R2 beeps a bit]

[Subtitle: "How can you make a move that precise?"]

[Protocol Droid] He wants to --

[Mackenzie waves the protocol droid]

[Mackenzie] [to the R2] Actually, I /am/ a droid. I'm designed to look like a human.

[Protocol Droid] [nonplussed] Oh.

[Assasin] Well, watch this.

[It makes a move that turns out to be not quite as good as Mackenzie. The scoreboard shows that Mackenzie and the R2 unit are way ahead of the assasin]

[Assasin] Oops.

* the security guards, because they work at Mike's Evilware, aren't afraid of being growled and and proceed to attempt to arrest all present. MaW isn't impressed *

MaW: Why don't you go and have some coffee or something?

Guard #1: Don't like coffee

Guard #2: Just had a cup

MaW: Honestly! Some people. Do you know who I am?

Guard #2: No, and I don't care either.

MaW: You should [pulls out ID]

Guard #1: Ah. Okay sir, we'll just leave you and your friends alone, shall we?

* they back off carefully *

MaW: Yes, why don't you do that.

* at a safe distance, all the security guards turn and run. MaW grins Evilly *

After a short bitch-to-any-sentient-being-that-will-listen-fest in the ladies' room, Jade and Thras decide to do some shopping (soince ther are at Mike's Evilware "The more Evil Place in the Universe! *ding*"
We join our Jedi-yupe-person as she looks through the "squaresoft games/extremely cute anime evilware" femme section.


Jade: Do you think I'd look cute in pink...? *hold up a pink skirt with a matching pink shirt (with a pink bow* Or perhaps this Quistis Treppe outfit..? *points to a rack on her left with Quistis Treppe outfits*

Thras: Well, if you tried on those angel wings over there, and wore some matching pink army boots with it, I think it might just work.

Jade: *anime smile* Daijobu!

A sales droid with feminine programing approaches

Salesdroid: Are you finding everything all right, Miss...?

Jade: I think so...

Thras: Do you have any pink army boots in stock?

Salesdroid: *looks at the outfit Jade had in her hand* Oh, that would look lovely with some army boots, wouldn't it...? Well, why don't you just follow me, and we'll find some for you in the extremely evil shoes section, m-kay?

Jade: *smiles* All right. Thank you. *she holds onto the decidedly scarily pink outfit and follows the salesdroid to the extremely evil shoes section*

Thras: *to the salesdroid* Do you have anything for size-chalenged dragon daemons...?

Salesdroid: I think we have a section for size-challenged dragon daemons upstairs... We can go and check after we get your friends' shoes, all right...?

Thras: Yessss!!! *Jumps on Jade's shoulder*

And so, as most other female sentient s, Jade goes and shops after a trauma.

Jade: *quietly to herself* Tenshi... tenshi.. ka-ten-tenshi...

Thras: *l*

<irl: sorry wolf dear, I couldn't resist.
<irl: ...and before I forget, Hey YK, stop calling my boyfriend a bozo!

Sorry. I'll start calling him a person instead.

* MaW also decides it might be worth doing some shopping, and heads halfway across the shop to the section where they sell large but incredibly comfortable black boots. He wanders down the aisle looking for the cool ones with the retractable diamond-tipped snow/ice/mud spikes, total waterproofing forcefield, temperature control, smell control and three-inch lightsaber blades mounted just under the toes. He finds them, then looks next to them for the ones with the fancy hypercarbon toe caps *

Salesdroid #2: Can I help you sir?

MaW: No, I know my way around thank you.

Salesdroid #2: Are you sure you wouldn't like some help? I can help you find the correct size of boots.

MaW: No, I've got the right size right here *holds up boots*

Salesdroid #2: [hopefully] Perhaps you'd like some socks to wear inside the boots? Or maybe some spare energy cells to power the internal systems?

MaW: *walks off towards the sinister black cloaks section* I'm fine.

Salesdroid #2: *follows* Are you certain? Perhaps you'd like to be pushed around the store in a luxury anti-gravity chair?

MaW: *spins around and casts out a hand at the Salesdroid. Blackness envelops it and it wanders around erratically*

Salesdroid #2: [from inside the patch of total darkness] Oh my! My visual sensors must be malfunctioning. Excuse me sir, I must report to maintenance immediately. *crashes into a shelf* Woops! *knocks over a pile of black leather flip-flops with steel studs* Oh dear me! This is a most embarrassing situation!

MaW: Allow me to help.

*MaW ignites his evilsaber. The black blade cast a very dark shadow, for it absorbs all energy and matter that touches it. With a dramatic swing, MaW cuts the Salesdroid in two, then on the return stroke he cuts the bigger part in half*

MaW: There, that's much better.

* he deactives his evilsaber and puts it away before retrieving his choice of boots and continuing to the sinister black cloaks section*

[Cut to YK. He is walking down a street in a world that seems totally developed, á la Coruscant or Trantor. He activates a comlink]

[YK] 'Kenzie, you there?

[Mackenzie] [filtered voice-over] Yep.

[YK] Okay. Meet me in the Bug in five.

[Mackenzie] [materializing behind him] Why not here?

[YK] [jumps] Okay. I didn't know you'd got a comlink.

[Mackenzie] [taps her forehead] Built in.

[YK] Okay. Let's go.

[They both dematerialize]

* Happily undisturbed by Salesdroids or security guards, MaW peruses the selection of sinister black cloaks *

[The Millenium Bug flies into the atmosphere of whatever planet the Evilware shop is on]

* Mike's Evilware sends an automated welcome transmission to the Millennium Bug *

Greetings and welcome to Mike's Evilware, the one and only place for all your Evilware needs! This week we have special offers on all items with integrated diamond-tipped weaponry, and over three hundred new products in the recently-opened Cerebral Implants section. If you're Evil, why not sign up for our Evilness card which entitles you to a ten percent discount on all our products, and a waiver of fines for damage to the salesdroids. Issuing of card is subject to proof of Evil activities. Enjoy your time here!

* the transmission ends *