Journal Entries
Library books.
Posted Mar 25, 2003
I rang my local library yesterday and asked to extend my loan on a CD ROM for the twenty third week running. Normally they just go
"Oh... you again... the trouble maker ... yes, you can extend the loan period. In fact, keep the damn thing. Looks like no one else wants it anyway ha ha! Only joking sir. Have it back by Tuesday, then, or we'll come and take your stereo"
But this time they said something really peculiar. "I am afraid we can't re-new your CD, sir. Not today. We're closed. For a special reason."
"Oh.." I asked, "So I'll call back tomorrow then?"
"No, don't do that."
"Why?"
"We're closed tomorrow too."
"Ok.. then, well when do you open?"
"Errrrrmmmmm ... we can't say yet. But don't worry, your books are automatically extended on our computer. Have you got web access?"
"Yes.."
"Look at that then."
And, at this point I asked, in the fashion of a somewhat deluded idiot -
"I hope it isn't some serious emergency - is it?"
And the person on the other end actually laughed..
"You could call it that, sir."
I looked at the web site and discovered my library is closed for the duration of the thing we are not allowed to mention.
Now then .. that, I did not expect that happen.
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Latest reply: Mar 25, 2003
Learn fro the Lyrics, Part II
Posted Mar 17, 2003
Welcome again to the fabulous, wonderful and scary world of Cliff Richard. For this lesson, I recommend a good strong pair of rubber gloves, a welding mask and lots of hessian sacking. For this week, we are going to tackle one of the larger and more dangerous balls from the Cliff Richard cannon - "Wired for Sound", which is where Cliff tells the world that he really likes music. It is a song that is thoroughly deserving of a line by line analysis, so here goes:
"I like small speakers
I like tall speakers"
Well, yes Cliff. So do I. I like the middle sized ones too, as it happens, but Cliff glosses over this issue.
"If they've music they're wired for sound."
This is valuable technical information.
"Walking about with a head full of music
Cassette in my pocket and I'm gonna use it
Stereo - out in the street
you know."
Well, this starts promisingly, and then veers oddly into Benny Hill territory, before kind of petering out. The "you know" phrase is pure genius. Imagine all the songs that could have been inmproved with its use: 'There's a lady who knows all that glitters ... you know.' or 'And I think to myself, its a ... you know' or 'Mama, just killed a man .. you know'. Anyway... on with the next lines..
"Into the car
go to work"
Oh, I just can't be bothered...
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Latest reply: Mar 17, 2003
The Secret Life of Jean-Michel Jarre
Posted Mar 13, 2003
This was going to go into this week's post. But there is no this week's post for it to go into. So I'm putting it here instead, and, for any poor unsuspecting soul that stumbles across it - please accept my apologies.
Monday
Today, I woke up, watched the cartoons, ate a cheese and avocado sandwich and drove to the studio. I am very happy with my new car. For a Robin Reliant, it goes pretty fast, and it is small and nimble and I usually have no trouble finding a parking space. Of course, it was a bit dull when I got it first, but I sellotaped some torches to the back seat, and wired them up to the battery in the boot, which also synchronises the firework display on the roof. Then I put some loud speakers in the wheels and painted a dolphin on the bonnet. It is my vision for this car, and it is realised. Though I wish the Parisian authorities had allowed me more fireworks. I wanted to use nine hundred and seventy six, but, as usual, with all their official talk, they argued against this. Eventually we arrived at a compromise figure of: one. I have rigged it up to a small button on the steering wheel, and I let it off when I park. Sometimes the bin men applaude, which gives me an enormous sense of satisfaction.
Tuesday.
I spent all day working on a new sound. It sort of goes: 'pnnnneeewwwnik'. It took me ages to get right. Before lunchtime, all I had was 'pnik'. I thought that was alright for a while. It was fun, pressing the same key lots of times: 'pnik', 'pnik', 'pnik'. But that got boring after a while and I began to wonder if I was on the right track at all. Then, at about eleven, I had a brainwave. 'What if...', I thought, ' What if .... I add a bit of "eeeewwwww" '. Of course, the idea struck me as absurd at first. I mean, no one had done it before. The standard wisdom is that you never add "eeeewwww" to "pnik".. but I just thought, 'why not, Jeanny boy, lets get back to the old innovative style they all say you've lost'. So I tried it out, and I was stunned. I worked on it all afternoon and finally recorded it at five thirty. Then I went home and tied a lemon to the hat stand.
Wednesday
Back in the studio again. Michel Geiss popped in. I played him my new sound.
'So, what do you reckon to it Micheal'?
I asked..
After a long pause, he said
'You know what that sounds like, Jean, me old mucker?'
(Not many people know this, but Michel Geiss is actually a cockney and an old friend of Frank Butcher)
'What?'
'That ... Jean ... sounds like a duck, imploding.'
Well, I have to say, I was a bit dissapointed to hear this, which made me all the happier when Michel said:
'But, Jean, it has potential. Tell you what, shove it through a flange-bearer, up the gubnuggets a bit, tweak off the sondle-droppings, and you might have the makings of a nice sound there, mate'
Well, I was lost. Michel always loses me when he goes off on one. So I just gave him my hammer and told him to fix it up how he likes. He's happy to do that if I buy him some Mr. Kipling cakes. I figured I'd take a half day then. Get the ironing done.
Thursday
Punks outside my window again. Throwing oranges and shouting "Jean-Michel Jarre is a yo yo". What they don't realise is that in four thousand years time, when we're invaded by aliens, the punks will all be eaten. Because that's what they are. Alien food. Me, on the other hand, well, they'll defrost me and probably ask me to make nice shopping music for them to listen to. And I will do that, and I will put in subliminal messages, saying 'eat more punks, punks are delicious, yum yum, you love them'. That's what I'll do. I will, too. I mean it.
Friday
A new postman came this morning.
'Hey,' he said
'You're that bloke, aren't you, the one that did that song ... the what's it called, how does it go now...'
' Dum de da da dum? ' I asked wearily.
'Yeah, thats the one. Brilliant. Whats it called?'
'Its called 'Oxygene Part Four' and it is part of a suite that I composed, in order to convay, through sonic means the...'
'Yeah, thats it, Oxygen. Dum de da da dum. Brilliant that. Anyway, here's your letter'
The letter turned out to be from the Nasty-Under-Dollop village rotary club and women's ribbon weaving institution. They wanted to know if I would be available to do a concert next week, as it was the fiftieth anniversary of the occasion when one of the Queen's corgies was found wandering around the village pond. They said that Cliff Richard had offered to do it for free, but they'd much rather have me there because Mrs Roberts from the bakery loves fireworks. I wrote back to them immediately telling them I would be delighted to come and that I would need thirty thousand fireworks, two hundred light projectors, fifteen million wind turbines, seventeen high-rise tower blocks and a stage the size of a football field. Then I had a go at the sink with some Mr. Muscle.
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Latest reply: Mar 13, 2003
Wombles
Posted Mar 11, 2003
Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we...
...
mumble dee mumble mumble dee dee..
...
Making good use of the things that we find
Things that the everyday folks leave behind
Wombles.
Yes.
Wombles.
Most of them were named after places. Orinocho was named after a river. Makes you wonder what happened to the others. Was there once, for instance, 'Amazon' a fierce female womble, who, after constructing weapons from toilet rolls and string, went on the rampage, laying waste large parts of the common before Tomsk stopped her with a well placed shot using a tin can?
Or 'Nile'? Probably a very laid back womble. Maybe something in advertising.
Or "Mississipi" who is a married female hippi womble, and makes some very interesting things from the things that she grows, as well as finds?
Or - ok, enough of the womble thing already..
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Latest reply: Mar 11, 2003
George Bush
Posted Mar 10, 2003
I wish I could get a handle on just what it is that is so ironic and absurd about George Bush. Actually, just getting a handle on George Bush would be good. Maybe on his back - so he would look like a cross between a president and a Samsonite.
Anyway - I digress, and therefore must regress. So what is it? Well there's his name for a start. I mean, we're used to it now, but it is fairly amusing. Say it twenty times. There. See?
No, that's not it. I think it is something in his eyes. And, in this, he shares something with Richard Nixon. It is what I can only describe as a look of completely bewildered panic. Both Bush and Nixon, on film, look like everything confuses and scares them: Monkeys, Chairs, Money, People, everything.
Why doesn't anyone just write: "Bush is an idiot. Stop taking him seriously.". Make it a big headline. Headlines work. People believe them. Everyone would read and go "Oh... OK then, he's an idiot." and then talk about it at work. It would be brilliant.
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Latest reply: Mar 10, 2003
Dr Deckchair Funderlik
Researcher U216365
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