Journal Entries
Hello?
Posted Apr 14, 2003
Central Bucharest. 3am.
All is dark and quiet. Myself and my significant other are wrapped up in sleep and each other. Nothing stirs. And then..
I wake - to something. Not sure what. A noise. Something outside. I close my eyes and open them again. There - a noise once again.
It has not yet punctured my occluded hearing. I sit on the edge of the bed and of a moment of pleading wonder - I hope it was a dream. What I hear next decides it, and I immediately wish it hadn't. What I hear from the garden is this:
"Heeeeeelllllllooooooooooooo....."
It sounds like someone in terrible pain, or who wishes to inflict it. It sounds drunk. It sounds menacing. And here it comes again..
"Huuueeeelllloooooooooo...."
Now, let me give you this advice. If you really want to terrify someone witless, then the best thing to do is go and stand in their garden wailing "Heeellloooooo...". That really will work, believe me.
I stand up and try to look out the window into the gloom. We are on the third floor, but the front door is open, and whoever is in the garden could be coming up the stairs.. I go outside into the hall and make sure our door is locked. Then it comes again - and it sounds closer now.
"Hueellllooooooooooo....... aaaaauuuurrrrrrggghhhhhh Heeeeellllooooo.."
I can feel my heart knocking away against the inner wall of my chest. I look around the room for weapons. I run through a mental check list in my head, with the makeshift title: "Old enemies who mght have persued me here.". They are speaking English. Why is that? And why shout from the garden? I am tempted to go down and face them -- but maybe that is what they want... I go down, stumble into the garden, meet a flashlight - see the face... No. I don't think I will go out. I return to our room.
"Huueeeellllooooooo..."
My wife sitrs... She mumbles..
"Why are you awake?"
"There is someone in the garden."
She sits up, eyes wide. She is about to speak...
"Shhh... listen..."
And here it comes again,
"Huueeellloooooooooo ..woof."
Woof?
And my wife again..
"Why are you awake?"
And me..
"Er..."
And the dog outside..
"Woof. woofwoof woof woof Huuueeeellllooooooooooo.... woof"
And my wife says...
"See? Told you you're working too hard."
Discuss this Journal entry [10]
Latest reply: Apr 14, 2003
First drafts for the opening line of Martin Scorcese's film "Goodfellas"..
Posted Apr 6, 2003
"Ever since I can remember, I always wanted to be a toaster"
No....
"Ever since I can remember, I always wanted to be a hamster"
Ach ... godammit ... no..
"Ever since I can remember, I always wanted to be a hatstand"
Hmmm.. No, Marti wouldn't go for it....
"Ever since I can remember, I always wanted to be a tractor"
Too communist...
"Ever since I can remember, I always wanted to be a dumpster"
Hmmm... social realism ... might work...
"Ever since I can remember, I always wanted to be a banker"
Phhhhhh... wonder if there's anything on the telly...
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Apr 6, 2003
Charlie the guinea pig. An appeal,
Posted Apr 1, 2003
I work part time as a professional balloon salesman. I find the work somewhat tedious, so I make a point of bringing my pet guinea pig, 'Charlie' to the workshop with me.
Charlie is a well trained guinea pig, so thought I could allow him to roam around the workshop freely. But this was a mistake, as I found out today. While inflating some magic-whizzers for a children's party later today, I was distracted by something on the radio. I didn't notice that Charlie had taken an interest in the deflated balloons, and in fact he must have eaten one whole. I only found out when I switched on the gas tap to inflate the balloon which unfortunately was already in Charlie's stomach.
Imagine my horror as I heard Charlie's squeeks and turned to find he had become the size of a small beach ball and was floating around the ceiling. I went into the house to call for help, and when I got back, he was gone. I had left one of the windows open, to clear the gas from the room, and Charlie must have floated out of it. I haven't seen him since.
I wonder, does anyone know if there are sattelite tracking facilities or something to see if I can locate Charlie again? It would be of great help to me if I could track his progress around the globe. At least then I would know where he is.
Discuss this Journal entry [10]
Latest reply: Apr 1, 2003
Great Uncle Bulgaria goes to war.
Posted Mar 29, 2003
This is a lost episode of the wombles. It was deliberately lost, incidentally. Bernard Cribbins stuffed it down the back of his sofa in an effort to protect the innocent from irreperable harm. Here's how the story goes:
Tomsk, back from a hard day's collecting rubbish, goes to consult Great Uncle Bulgaria in his study, about where to leave the newspapers. But Tomsk gets a surprise when he enters the study, for Great Uncle Bulgaria fixes him with a 5000 yard stare and tells him to stuff the newspapers in a place that Tomsk didn't even realise he owned.
Worried about GUB's sanity, the other wombles hastily convene a meeting. They are about to pass a resolution when they are all disturbed by the sound of hammering coming from GUB's study. Orinocho, ever the pragmatist, blows open the door of the study with a mixture of placistine and nitro-glycerine. The other wombles, armed with home made kalashnikov's and stun grenades, pour into the study to surround GUB and see what he has built. It is only at this point that they realise he has in fact built a high powered rocket out of yoghurt pots and string. In fact, this is the last thing they realise, for GUB presses the ignition and lifts off, and all the other wombles are incinerated.
GUB flys through space for forty years before engaging in a laser war with the HobNobs of the Thironjingan star system. He destroys a couple of moons before settling down on an isolated planet and building a small allotment for his retirement.
If you haven't seen this episode, I recommend you don't. Mike Batt appears at the end, all wired up on mescalin and screaming something incoherent about coyotes. The genius film genius George Lucas III was apparently so impressed with the laser effects in the episode that he nicked them for his Star Wars films. He pays homage, however, in "The Empire Strikes Back". If you look closely during the sequence when the Millenium Falcon is escaping during a fire fight, you can see that a womble appears in the background and chucks an orange at Harrison Ford.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Mar 29, 2003
Great Uncle Bulgaria
Posted Mar 25, 2003
Great Uncle Bulgaria is everyone's least favourite womble.
He liked to read the 'Times' newspaper, but that was in the days before Rupert Murdoch. Interestingly, however, Great Uncle Bulgaria could only read the times once it was out of date. Wombles made everything from rubbish - "things that the everyday folks leave behind" - and that include newspapers. That was why he was banned from Ladbrokes. He kept trying to bet on horses that had already won.
Why he is called "Great Uncle Bulgaria" is a mystery to me. He was supposed to be a grand womble, a noble womble, a womble of status. I have seen Bulgaria. It is none of these things. All wombles, of course, are communist. That's why you don't get to see much of them these days, the work-shy layabouts. Give a bit of a stint in national service, thats what I say. Make them work for a living. I didn't get where I am today by wandering around Wimbledon Common looking for junk to play with. Well, ok, I might have done..
Discuss this Journal entry [4]
Latest reply: Mar 25, 2003
Dr Deckchair Funderlik
Researcher U216365
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